i feel like some of my friends are letting me go.
i'm not going to pretend it doesn't suck or hurt really, really bad.
i'm also not going to pretend i don't wonder what i did wrong or how to fix it, because i would give anything in the world for these people to value me as much as i value them.
on the other hand, there are circumstances in which relationships fail.
i can't always fix it,
and sometimes, it really is my fault.
one of my biggest insecurities has to do with my own emotions. i don't know how to share them with people in a way that doesn't overwhelm them or drive them away. i am painfully aware of how unattractive and trivial my drama is to other people. i really spend the majority of energy in my relationships 1) assessing whether or not i can trust people with my shit, 2) trying to spill it in a controlled and sane manner so i won't scare them away, 3) letting go in super intense and frustrated outbursts of insecurity/pain, 4) subsequently worrying that i really am driving them away by all of my stupid, childish behavior.
When I start to trust people enough that I lay my shit on them, I do it knowing that eventually they will say, "I have had enough," and walk away. The question is usually when, how long, how much will they take before they get bored and tired and overwhelmed and just give up?
the point is, i see people pulling away, and now it is my move, and rather than trying harder to get back what i've lost, maybe it's time to just let go. move on. free them of my high expectations and demands for unconditional love.
it hurts. more than i know how to express- i feel very alone right now. but i think god will provide that kind of relationship in time, when i have gained the maturity required to maintain it.
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3 comments:
ok i dont want you to think i am a stalker ( and I have my last final in 2 hours- last one for good! so i cant write too long), BUT i read you blog once and found it interesting and...I dont know your issue in life, yet i must say you seem like a person who is quite expressive. this quality is amazing. be thankful that you are able to let other know how you feel. I wont bombbard you with my issues( i really dont have ANY:), but my mother was/is not very expressive , and I feel like she struggles with that deffieciency...so let it be understood to all, you are the warrior and the champion.
p.s. are you on facebook? friend me , my name is shimon roth. ok? and you name?
I'm here, kid.
Yeah, people pulling away is tough. There are some people I'd like to get to know better, be closer to, some people that I used to see more often in the past but I can't now. Some people who I don't see at all anymore and our relationship is just memories. It is tough but there are plenty more people out there, it just takes being brave enough to risk relationships with the newbies.
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