ash brought me a journal so that is no longer a request.

so i am quite calm and logical in times of crisis, that's just how i work. but i wish i was more visibly upset when i talked to people. i feel like they think i am putting on some sort of act or trying to "be strong" or something. of course i am upset. but i am not a public crier/emotional outburst type of person. its just not how i operate. of course it takes so much trust for me to be able to communicate my feelings to other people. i am trying to be open about stuff but honestly when i say that i feel a certain way my heart is just disconnected. i hear myself saying it and it is true, but it is not possible for me to show you that. even if i wanted to make it apparent to everyone i am not capable of doing so. pretty much only if i am alone or with someone who i am totally safe with will that happen and so far there is only one person in that position and i think that's pretty much how it will stay. not on purpose its just this specific person is enough and i cant force myself to express something to someone unsafe. not that i am saying you are all unsafe, i know you and love you, its just my body feels differently i guess...? i dont know how to explain.
so i say that because i have been seeing everyone and they have been asking me how im doing and when i say "i'm doing ok" i really am, and i'm not bottling things up on purpose, it's just a different way of expressing emotions. and trust me it does come out, just not to the general public. im ok.
i feel like i keep rambling. i want to get a real journal to write my thoughts in so i dont have to censor anything for public viewing. but there has been no time for that. to go get one. actually if anyone wants to help me out just leave a blank notebook on my porch. that would be really helpful. it sounds dumb i know but thats what i want.
one thing that has sucked is that i always feel nauseous. i cant tell if its stress or from being sick myself. i dont ever want to eat. i have to force myself to do it so i will have enough energy.
i cant really sleep so well either although i am exhausted right now so maybe i will be able to tonight. it would be nice.

also matt thank you for praying for my family. i have more i want to say to you but i will do it when i see you, hopefully on sunday.

an update on our family situation

i can't sleep. my head is killing me. excuse the spelling and punctuation errors i am sure i will make. i dont feel much like rereading or editing.

last night my brother tried to kill himself. by some miracle god intervened and he was unsucessful. he is in stable condition (physically) right now and in the psych ward at Portland Adventist hospital. we don't know how long he will be there. for the moment that's all the information we are giving out. i thought it might be easier to post it and let it spread by word of mouth. i was fielding phone calls and texts all day and still did not talk to everyone that i should have. i am sorry if that means you, but it has been a crazy 24+ hours and i don't really know what i should be doing.

pray for the family. mostly we are just in shock. my parents are very upset but holding it together. my sister has not been talking much and i think she is afraid of visiting the hospital. no one has been able to sleep or eat well. just as i sit and type this i realize i have not stopped moving all day. i am afraid to be alone.

thanks to everyone who have been praying already. your prayers have already been answered and will continue to be answered. don't stop calling and texting. i may not be able to answer everyone but it is good to have something to do, and to have the encouragement from people.

I cant really post any more tonight. probably i have said too much already but i need something productive to do.
i feel sick to my stomach.
please pray for everyone.
pray that they will transfer my brother to another floor or to a hospital closer to our house.

i cant type anymore.

No. Having had some time to think, I withdraw my initial statement for today. Ugly is not the word I am looking for. I don't know the right word though. I don't know if there is a word for it. Non-beautiful?
I know that seems the same but it's not. Ugly can mean not beautiful. It can also mean not pretty or not cute, or not attractive, or not hot. But pretty, cute, attractive, hot, and beautiful all mean very different things. I don't mean that I don't feel pretty/cute/attractive/hot. Although I don't feel some of those.
What I really mean is that I don't feel beautiful or loved. I think you can be all of those other things without being loved. But I think beautiful is something that happens when someone else sees who you are and loves you anyway. It doesn't feel like a physical thing. To me, anyway.
To me, "You're beautiful" = "I love you". Maybe because I know I'm really not very beautiful at all. I'm messed up, and who wants that? No one... So for someone to get close enough to see me, and still think I'm beautiful anyway, takes a great measure of love on their part. A great great measure.
I don't mean to be all emo, or whine about the way I look, because that's not what this is about. I'm just being honest about how it feels to be me right now. I wish I was strong enough to take total comfort in my relationship with God. I know he loves me and is proud of me and thinks I'm a beautiful person. And he is probably the only one who knows how crappy I really am, so that should mean something. I wish it would, but it doesn't.

It is funny just reading over those words I wrote, how different their meanings are to me. Pretty, cute, attractive, hot... some of them are compliments, and some just seem that way... and kind of leave a bitter aftertaste. There is a Wallflowers song called "Invisible City," and it is one of Brianna's favorite songs. She told me once that the reason she liked it so much was because of this one line, "feeling pretty is so hard." She told me it was easy for her to feel attractive, but hard to feel pretty. I can relate to that, I think. When we were in high school Brianna was always the really pretty one that guys, like, drooled over and obsessed about. Usually they obsessed about her to me because I was the best friend-type girl who would be listening to them ramble on about their love while we played videogames or something. And I never felt like I was important or pretty to anyone, I felt more like I was filling a gap that could easily be filled by one of the guys if they weren't busy with baseball practice or hanging out with their girlfriend, or something.
Anyway. In the past year, since Brianna has moved away and I've gotten used to spending more time on my own (and with boys who don't think of me as their sister) I've kinda realized what she means about feeling attractive. Like you can wear a short skirt or a low-cut top and get plenty of attention. And it does not feel good. In fact it feels totally AWFUL.
Well. That's not true. It feels good at first. Then you pause to think about it, and realize being sexually attractive is nothing like being cute, respected, important, or special. Honestly, it feels like you are a whore who could be replaced at any time by any other girl in the entire world who is willing to wear less clothes than you and post pictures of it on the internet.
I remember that when some of my guys friends came home from school for the first time, their jaws sort of dropped. I've changed a little bit in the past year and it is mostly evident in the way that I look. At first it felt really good, like "HA HA. YOU NOTICED I'M A PRETTY GIRL." That lasted about ten seconds. Then it turned into annoyance because they were changing the way they treated me. And I really didn't like it. I felt like I lost some of their respect, because now they treated me the same as they treated every other girl they knew.
Over the last year I've been seeing this more and more, and I have many explanations for it, probably because for the first time I have been dressing in something other than sweatpants every day. And I've been flirting a lot. I never used to flirt at all but in the past year that's changed. I don't like that about me. Around my guy friends I feel like every other girl instead of like their friend.
I don't know what I want. I guess I would rather feel unattractive and appreciated for who I am than feel the way I am feeling now.
I don't even know why I am posting this because there is no good reason to, mostly I just want to get it out of my head, but it does not make me feel any better, in fact writing about it makes me think of examples of it, and then I feel worse.
Haha. Oh boy. I should have just stuck with ugly, and not explained it.

today i just feel ugly.

happy

I had a really good weekend.
On Friday I went out to dinner with one of my friends from high school, one who I haven't seen too much yet. That was really fun. It was good just to be able to talk and to be listened to. Usually I am the one doing the listening. Not that I mind that at all: I love listening to people talk. And I don't usually have much to say, anyway. But it was fun. I get the feeling this particular friend has that same problem. So we both talked a lot. And both listened to each other. And by the end I felt like I could say we were both actually caught up on each other's lives. It felt really good.
On Saturday I got up early and went hiking with my mom, Matt and Jade, Brian and Russ. It was a lot of fun. The view was beautiful and I don't really get to hang out with Jade as much as I'd like to. So it was fun talking to her on the way up.
That night I hung out with my friend Brianna for a bit. I wanted to go swimming but she wanted to go out for ice cream. So we got ice cream.
Then I went for a long walk with my brother. He is another person who is in the position to listen to me talk. Sometimes for hours. So we walked around for miles and talked about all of our plans for school and the future and so on. It is good to hear him talk. He is very much a verbal processor and even though he thinks a lot on his own, he goes in circles in his own head. Once he is talking he usually reaches a conclusion pretty easily. All he needs is a little feedback. It's kinda cool being part of the process sometimes.
Needless to say, with all that activity on Saturday, I was pretty tired and sore the next day...
On Sunday I watched Elizabethtown with Becky and Brianna. It's not the best movie ever, but something about it just makes me smile. Probably the elaborate music map. Becky and I are the type of people who would actually do something that elaborate in real life. As it turns out, Becky and I are surprisingly similar. I am learning this more and more. And I like it.
Then to Ethnos.
Then after Ethnos I went to the Ketahs' with Todd and the Mulkeys. That was fun too. Since I was at the end of a really social weekend I didn't feel much like talking, but I got to listen to some good conversation. I really like ethnos and I like that we all hang out like that. I also haven't been able to go to the Ketahs' community group for a long time, so I've missed spending time with them.

Usually all that social activity would have me totally exhausted, but it felt really good. I feel pretty relaxed. I have been much happier lately, which probably has a lot to do with it. It is good feeling like things are going well. FINALLY. Yay!

Anyway, I didn't get any exercise yesterday so I need to go running... woohoo... my legs are still kinda sore from Saturday.

i like skirts. a lot.
i do NOT like shorts. i only own one pair of shorts. they are black and they don't fit and i stole them from my brother to wear when i am running. that's it.
i don't like dress shoes, or fancy skirts. i like skirts you can wear with t-shirts and tennis shoes. i like short skirts better than long skirts, and the shorter they are, the more i like them. unfortunately short skirts generally should not be worn in public places. i am okay with that rule, i just wear them around the house. i think they are the most comfortable item of clothing ever invented.
my favorite kind of skirt is a denim skirt, even though i don't really like jeans (on a side note, up until last summer i did not own a pair of jeans. no lie. i was forced to buy them by my mother). my favorite skirt i own is a denim skirt and if i could i would wear it every single day of the summer. maybe even the whole year.
i just really like skirts.
and it is skirt season now.
so i am pretty happy about that.

those are my deep thoughts for today.

Oh. ALSO. Life is good. Matt and I gave my parents a quote today. In about a week of working I'm getting paid almost $800. Without taxes. I think we start next Wed. I'm stoked.

I hesitate to talk about this because I'm tired of being such a downer. Not that I am necessarily worried about depressing other people, although I do probably have this tendency at times. But I am tired of depressing myself. I really do want to be happy. I have been doing so much better lately, in spite of everything that has been happening. I think for a couple of years now I've believed it would be impossible for me to ever be happy again. Which may sound silly, but it's still something I struggle with. And why try to work toward something you don't believe you can acheive?
In the past couple of months I've been working over a few things. Finding my passions and engaging them. Dealing with grief. Focusing my attention outward (on helping other people whose experiences I can relate to) rather than focusing it inward (on self-pity). I feel like I am finally coming up for air. I have wanted this so badly for so long that I can't even express in words how good it feels to experience happiness or excitement about something again. It feels electric. I catch myself actually smiling for real instead of faking it. I just feel relieved. Like all hope is not lost. I'm not going to be sad forever.
Not that I am there yet. I realize that. Grief is a long road and I'm sure I'm still somewhere near the beginning of it. And still looking just as frantically for the off-ramp. But it somehow seems manageable. I've found a balance between respecting and remembering the things I've lost, and allowing myself to look toward the future.
That is a big deal... I don't know if anyone can truly grasp the weight of that statement.

With all of that going for me right now, I am afraid to bring up something bad. I am afraid of settling back into old habits, or even thinking through this event.
Basically, on Sunday, my friend Doug died. He went to my high school and he had muscular dystrophy. He was one of the nicest people I have ever known. He died of viral pneumonia. Which is how Caitie's dad died. And what my dad had a few weeks ago when he ended up in the hospital. Scary.
I don't know how I should react. Surely there is some boundary on what you choose to let affect you and how deeply. I am all too familiar with this specific feeling. But it does not matter if you have lost one person or a dozen people, it never gets any easier to deal with.
Before I prayed that God would give me rest, and he didn't. So I prayed that God would give me strength, and for a long time he didn't do that either. But I do believe he is beginning to answer some of my prayers. I don't think he has in mind for me to live an easy life, or one free of pain. But I do believe he is patiently teaching me how to find joy in the midst of suffering.
I am trying really hard to be teachable.


"Whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
Whatever you conceive Him to be,
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
In the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
-Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

happy birthday dear bec-ca

Today was my little sister's birthday.

She is 15 now.

For her birthday we drove to the lake in LO.

And we played in the water fountain and climbed all over the creepy statues.

I got back my grades. Two A's and two B+'s.

and I hate to even mention it. But something bad happened yesterday.
Another something.
I wish it would have happened to me instead.

for self, so next year i don't need to look too hard

Barbecued Spareribs on a Charcoal Grill

240 MIN
60 min to make
180 min to grill
Does not include rest time

2 full racks spareribs (about 6 pounds total)
3/4 cup Dry Rub for Barbecue (see recipe)
2 (3-inch) wood chunks or 2 cups wood chips
2 cups barbecue sauce, optional

Rub both sides of the ribs with the dry rub and let stand at room temperature for 1 hour.
Soak the wood chunks in cold water to cover for 1 hour and drain.
Meanwhile, light a large chimney filled a bit less than halfway with charcoal briquettes (about 2 1/2 quarts or 40 coals) and allow to burn until covered with a thin layer of gray ash. Empty the coals into one side of the grill, piling them up in a mound 2 or 3 briquettes high. Keep the bottom vents completely open.
Place the wood chunks on top of the charcoal. Put the cooking grate in place, open the grill lid vents completely, and cover, turning the lid so that the vents are opposite the wood chunks or chips to draw smoke through the grill. Let the grate heat for 5 minutes and clean it with a wire brush.
Position the ribs over the cool part of the grill. Barbecue, turning the ribs every 30 minutes, until the meat starts to pull away from the bones and has a rosy glow on the exterior, 2 to 3 hours. (The initial temperature inside the grill will be about 350 degrees; it will drop to 250 degrees after 2 hours.)
Remove the ribs from the grill and wrap each slab completely in aluminum foil. Put the foil-wrapped slabs in a brown paper bag and crimp the top of the bag to seal tightly. Allow to rest at room temperature for 1 hour.
Unwrap the ribs and brush with the barbecue sauce, if desired (or serve with the sauce on the side). Cut the ribs between the bones and serve immediately.





Dry Rub for Barbecue
10 min

4 tablespoons sweet paprika
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons ground cumin
2 tablespoons dark brown sugar
2 tablespoons salt
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
1 tablespoon ground black pepper
1 tablespoon ground white pepper
1-2 teaspoons cayenne pepper

Mix all of the ingredients together in a small bowl.
(The rub can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for several weeks.)
Makes about 1 cup.




serv. suggestions:
mashed potatoes
corn on the cob
watermelon

i miss joey.
he is not coming back until the middle of july.
=( <-- that is how i feel about that.

On wednesday I went and had dinner with my family- Aunt Melinda, Uncle Rich, Connor, Aidan, Hannah, and Owen (no, his name is not Owen Owen, his name is Owen Lewis). They are just here on break from missions in Afghanistan. I have not seen them in several years. Since the summer of my freshman year. So I guess it's been about 4 years now.
The funny thing is how we can pick up right where we left off like nothing has changed or there is no huge cultural shift for them in coming here. They are so laid back it blows my mind. My cousin Connor just graduated from boarding school in India, and a day after the ceremony hopped a plane to come back here, and he was sitting across the table from me joking about the hip-hop culture and that freaking awful "Booty Booty" song.
Ahhhhh I love these people. Of course, we share the same sense of humor, same interests, but also the same passions (missions, the gospel, travel). jajhjfjsdf.... No, I can't even find words to describe how happy I am that they are here.
Also, my uncle Rich is a trained optometrist and he practices in Kabul, so I asked him about degrees in medical science and what his recommendations were for me. He told me it was okay to continue with my current degree, as long as I was sure to keep my grades up and fulfill the undergraduate requirements for medical school. Which I'm looking into. That means taking extra classes, maybe at PSU, in biology and chemistry, etc. So I'm weighing my options there.
He also assured me that coming to med school with a different background (film instead of bio or chem) is actually encouraged in some cases... they want well-rounded individuals who will use their degrees in different areas.
So maybe there are some options for me?

I am FREAKING OUT about my grades from last term. I want them now-ish. How long do I have to wait?

damian lewis

I couldn't sleep so I watched 2 hours of Band of Brothers. It's been about a year or so since I last saw them. Soooo freaking sweet. Also, I have had a secret crush on Damian Lewis since I first saw this series. And by "secret crush" I really mean "not so secret at all," because I have absolutely no problem admitting this guy is smoking hot and also the epitome of manliness.

Yep, this guy is a BAMF for sure.
Of course the picture doesn't really do him justice, but if you've seen the series you know what I'm talking about. Damian Lewis = All That Is Man.

CS Lewis's A Grief Observed

"It is hard to have patience with people who say, 'There is no death,' or, 'Death doesn't matter'. There is death. And whatever it is, matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter.
I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and places, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?"

i wish someone had told me about this book two years ago. i was only sixteen; i could not find words. how could anyone else understand when i couldn't even understand myself? after all, i was the only one who knew how it felt to lose someone.

one down and two to go. I executed a fairly well-written 5-page research paper this morning in roughly an hour and a half, thanks to Brandon's inability to communicate clearly or DO ANY WORK OF HIS OWN.
AUGH.
If I had known it was going to come down to me shouldering the research load for the whole team, I would have done it weeks ago and written the best paper possible. I know this topic like the back of my hand. I could have done that. But instead I crammed it in at the last minute, picking up slack for two of the laziest people alive, who will probably walk away from this class with A's because of MY hard work.
AHHHHH. I hate that.

I also submitted a second draft for my theory of natural selection/description of selective pressures essay.

Then I sat in Powell's and typed 15 pages of script. And assembled them like a madman.

I went to turn in my portfolio and Jackie told me to go home. Apparently I looked like I was about to die. Which was about right, because that's how I felt. As I turned to leave she stopped me, saying, "I'm looking forward to working with you in the future, and I'd like you to think over break about the possibility of working on an independent study later in your career here."
Oh hell yes.
Jackie loves me.
Of course, she hasn't read my script yet. When she does, she might change her mind.
I'm hoping for a B + in that class.

Then I skipped over to Bill's office to drop off my final essay. We talked about anatomy, physiology and biomechanics. I asked him for some advice on whether or not to pursue science as a possible career field. We talked about it extensively. He encouraged me to take every science class I could fit into my schedule between now and graduation. That will put me in a better position for a master's program, although his recommendation was just to get a second Bachelor's degree. (random tangent-- The thing I don't get is, right now I'm working toward a BS, not a BFA. If I already have a BS shoudln't it be much easier to get a graduate degree in a science field? I haven't researched it enough so I don't know for sure... anyway, yeah. Whatever. ) Of course he recommended OSU (he taught there for years). I was planning on going there originally, so it's kind of a bummer. I know I am doing exactly what God wants for me, but I still feel like there are other talents/skills I should be pursuing. I could have so easily majored in English, Psychology, Biology, etc. Even Biblical Studies. I considered all of these things and I settled on film. I'm hoping that wasn't a poor choice. I love my major more than anything in the world, and I am so looking forward to being able to use these skills to glorify the kingdom. But I am leaving so much out!
I just want to be sure I am doing what's best, that I am not closing the door to something I could find satisfaction and joy in. Am I doing something good right now? Am I doing what I can do best? And am I doing it to the best of my ability?

Starting wednesday, I have a break until July 10th. I'm so happy I could cry.
I need money though. Does anyone need their house painted?

The LIST (ashby understands)

FOR TOMORROW:
-Compile/write/edit 5-page research paper
-Edit natural selection paper
-Write 22(!) pages of script
-Compile all scriptwriting info from the entire term, and make it look nice so Jackie doesn't hate me

MONDAY:
2:45-4:45 Bio Final, 2 research papers due, Powerpoint presentation due
5:30-7:30 Table reads, Script DUE (AHHHHHHHHH!)
Turn in my apt key?

Monday night/Tuesday morning:
-Value assignment
-Ground Subtraction/Contrast assignment
-Study for Final Exam

TUESDAY:
7:30-10:30 ???? Sacred Space meeting???
2:45-4:45 Color Theory FINAL EXAM, two projects due
7:30+ Community group @ Sanders

Tuesday night:
Study for Computer Final...

WEDNESDAY:
10:00 MEET WITH SARAH! YAY!
5:30-7:30 COMP FINAL EXAM
Straight from final to grandparents to hang out with my family who is coming from Afghanistan/India.

The end.

On Thursday I am going to lie in bed all day in my pajamas and watch the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy while eating chinese food and chocolate ice cream.

I finally saw MI3... and everyone was right, it was badass. There were a couple freaking sweet lines of dialogue. Mostly Fishburne's. "You can look at me with those judgmental eyes all you want, but I bullshit you not: I will bleed on the American flag to make sure those stripes stay red." or "Don't interrupt me when I'm asking a rhetorical question."
I think I nearly had a heart attack several times when Ethan was flying through the air, shooting random bad guys, or hanging off ledges being shot at. During the final scene I was about hyperventilating, leaning forward in my chair and clutching the back of the seat in front of me. (Yeah... I get into movies. What can I say?) Bri came with me and she would scream and bury her face in my shoulder any time something intense happened. (So basically the whole movie.)
I think JJ Abrams should be applauded for reviving the series, especially after John Woo's crappy directing in MI2.

My one criticism is this: Apparently MI-3 did not have a large enough budget, because although they could afford a Ferrari, to shoot on location in the Vatican, and to clothe every extra in the party scene, they clearly ran out of cloth when they were sewing Maggie's evening gown. I'm not sure wearing half a dress goes over well in the Vatican... but that could just be me.

sickle cell disease

I've spent a term doing research on Sickle Cell Disease and the relationship between genetic mutation (in this case, the substitution of regular hemoglobin-- HbA-- for HbS, in which the gene improperly codes for valine instead of glutamic acid) and instances of malaria in tropical/subtropical regions. There is a link there. Essentially children and teenagers with SCD or SCT are immune to malarial parasites which, before medical advances in malaria-rich regions, allowed them to survive TO reproductive age. Now of course the HbS mutation has been spread around so much (it is one of the most common genetic disorders) that it is common even outside of regions where malaria is a threat. Also, because of medical advances, SCD/SCT patients nowadays often live PAST reproductive age (in the last 30 years, the average lifespan of an SCD patient has increased from 14 years to 45ish years). This longer lifespan increases possibility of reproduction and therefore the continued spread of the mutation to future generations. Of course this is a common risk factor with any genetic mutation, but it's interesting to think that when we are trying to "help" patients who suffer from Sickle Cell, what we are actually doing is enabling the mutation and messing with the science of natural selection/survival of the fittest. Obviously I'm not advocating ending medical treatment for SCD/SCT patients, but it is an interesting dilemma nonetheless. In nature, mutations persist because they have an advantage of some sort. In recent history there has been no medical advantage to Sickle Cell Disease, yet it persists because we allow it to.
Just a few thoughts.
Tomorrow I am giving a 30-minute lecture on this topic in my molecular biology class. I'm really nervous because there is so much information to cover in such a short time period... it's just a complex issue. The physiological impact of this relationship is kind of... confusing? I guess.
Blah blah blah.

Came across this passage a couple of days ago in my quiet time. It's the first time I've read it in years, and maybe the first time I've actually thought about what it means.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails." -1 Cor 13:5-8

I wonder how many times I've told people I've loved them without really thinking about what love means. I'm impatient. I am envious, I am too proud to share my true feelings, I am mean to the people I care about. I get angry too often. I don't trust easily and I lose trust quickly. A lot of the time, I feel like giving up on people because they aren't meeting my expectations.
Is that love? Because it really doesn't sound like it...

The next time I say it, I really want it to be true.

some of my more serious (and intelligent?) thoughts...

Lately I haven't had a lot of time to write. I've been busy with school, moving, and all of this dumb medical stuff. So I figured I'd take the chance right now to write out some stuff while I take a break from working on my film glossary (ahhhh shoot me now!!!! I hate this project).
I don't particularly enjoy writing for writing's sake. Honestly, I would much rather sit down and have a good conversation about the things that are on my mind. But, since that is kind of an impossibility at the moment, blogging it is...

Recently one of my friends returned from a study abroad in Russia. Talking with him about his experiences there has been incredibly interesting to me. Over the past couple of months I have had Russia on the brain quite a bit. It has one of the highest incarceration rates in the world, and due to the overcrowding of prisons it is incredibly common for prisoners to become ill while serving their sentences (most of which are for bogus crimes... police officers in Russia are corrupt and the legal system does not work as it should). Unfortunately, one of the illnesses that has come up repeatedly is tuberculosis... a specific strain of it that is resistant to all known forms of antibiotics. This Supertuberculosis strain is literally ravaging Russian prisons, and as yet there is no known cure.
I can't get this situation out of my mind. Antibiotic resistance is a scary thing... mostly because our response is to manufacture more drugs and perpetuate the adaptation of viruses/bacteria. This isn't the proper way to react to the circumstances, but we don't really have any other options. The more we introduce antibiotics into our society the more dangerous and deadly these diseases become.
Anyway... Woody describes Russia as a place you go for the experience, not for a vacation. I don't think he really enjoyed his trip there, but he obviously learned a lot. It shook up his world view a bit, to be sure. It's shaking up mine just to hear about it. I have been praying about Russia as a potential future destination, perhaps after school...?
Since I've been in art school, I've been learning that I am probably not as good at art as I was hoping. Actually, I have been increasingly interested in science, specifically biology, human anatomy, physiology and biomechanics, and medical research. Lately I've been doing some light research on possible degrees in these fields. I am considering double majoring, possibly in biology or a related field? In terms of practical application, I think it would be a good idea to get some kind of medical training, maybe as a nurse or physician's assistant. I want whatever I am doing in school to be something I can apply to my future plans. I would love to have the knowledge and equipment to practice medicine in foreign countries, so that I can actually help the people I am going to serve in a more tangible way. Film is an excellent medium and I have not lost interest in it or faith in its potential power, but I don't want to be another American who shows up, takes pictures, and leaves without providing any kind of physical/emotional relief from suffering.
The problem is, I still don't enjoy school. Any kind of schooling... I never really have. So already I'm looking into (potentially) another 4 years of school, which does NOT sound exciting to me, save the final accomplishment of a nursing/biology degree.
Anyway, that's just something I'm turning over in my mind.

Finally, I've been re-reading some of my favorite books lately. I read Siddhartha earlier this week, and now I'm getting into Crime and Punishment again (Dostoeyevsky is an astounding writer). I have a really strong appreciation for classic literature... anything that demands my respect or makes me think. Crime and Punishment has always been one of my favorite books. My copy is totally battered and notated.... anyway, I picked it up earlier this week and got into it again, and it's been weird re-reading some of what I wrote and seeing how I reacted to it at different stages of my life. I treat my favorite books like journals... I'll write or draw in the margins to express what I'm thinking... which is why it's really fun to re-read them later. When I first read Crime I was incredibly depressed, and I remember having some really dark thoughts. Some of the things I thought or saw in my mind scared even me. Today I came across the following passage:
"In a morbid condition of the brain, dreams often have a singular actuality, vividness and extraordinary semblance of reality. At times monstrous images are created, but the setting and the whole picture are so truthlike and filled with details so delicate, so unexpected, but so artistically consistent, that the dreamer... could never have invented them in the waking state. Such sick dreams always remain long in the memory and make a powerful impression on the overwrought and deranged nervous system."
I am reminded of Van Gogh, Woolf, Tolstoy, Michaelangelo, Beethoven etc. So many great artists wrought beauty from their weakness and, in some cases, insanity. I think this purely emotional response, although sometimes unsettling, is what makes the difference between good and great art. There is an intesnity all of these artists exuded that is virtually unmatched by anyone in history.

I don't feel like stopping, even though I have already said way more than I intended to (no one is going to read this entire blog... but oh well, I am just going to pretend).
I'm going to sleep now... forget the film glossary. Ugh.

[EDIT: took out the snakes on a plane trailer... that was for you, troy... and to shield us from further retardation by exposure to this crap]

There are no words to describe how I feel about this.

been holding off on this for a while so i can think it through. but, this is the announcement:

I AM MOVING.

Finally. Colie has already found somewhere else to live, so she will be moving out within the next 10 days. I paid rent to the end of June, which completes my one month notice. But I am already on my way out. I'm moving back into my parents' house, at least for the next term. I am taking summer classes July-September, and then I don't know what. Taking the fall term off, and maybe more. It just depends. I get really depressed in the winter (haha... more than my usual whiny-artist self) and have a hard time focusing on schoolwork. The months leading up to Christmas are the worst. So I am just ging to take my break in the fall instead of the summer. What I really want to do is get out of Portland, move somewhere new, and take some time to relax/recharge. I have an idea of where I want to go already... but not what I want to do, and not how long I will be there. But I think it would be good for me to get away.

calendar of events for june.

(i can't sleep)

June 15th. That is just two weeks from today, and that is when school gets out at OSU, and probably at the Art Institute, too. (It's interesting that I know their schedule and not my own, huh?) June 15th means Matt comes home. I forgot how much I miss him. With everyone coming home it has been hard, we have all changed quite a bit, and I forgot what these relationships were like. Super emotional. Now I remember that the reason I held it all together with so many hard friendships was because I always had Matt to talk things through with. To decompress. I am looking forward to having that stability again. Oh my gosh, I freaking love and miss this kid. TWO WEEKS.

June 17th. TODDY'S BIRTHDAY! He is turning 23. According to Todd, if you are not an adult by the time you are 23, you are a jackass. So basically over the next two weeks, the man has a ton of maturing to do... ;) juuuuust kiiidding. i love you, buddy.

June 18th. Father's day. I have no idea what my father wants for father's day, but I'm guessing socks. He has asked for that every year for as long as I can remember, so I doubt this will be any different. Anyway... it is what it is. Happy Father's day to everyone.

June 19th. MY LITTLE SISTER TURNS 15. Yikes. She is getting old, and I'm not sure I like it. 15 is a big deal. That means she can drive... and... well I can't really think of anything else you can do at 15, but, yeah. I'm just glad it's not 16. In my family you can date at 16. So pretty much that is where the downward spiral begins. I do not know what to get my sister for her birthday. She is basically the most amazing gift-giver in the history of gift-giving. And I SUCK at it. I never know what to make or buy people. I end up usually getting them dumb stuff that they don't want. But Becca always makes me the coolest stuff. I think I will probably end up making her something, but I'm not sure what yet. It's going to take a lot of planning and plenty of time for the execution, which is why brainstorming begins today. If you have any suggestions feel free to submit them in writing and they will be considered, although you will not receive any credit once i steal your idea.