I hesitate to talk about this because I'm tired of being such a downer. Not that I am necessarily worried about depressing other people, although I do probably have this tendency at times. But I am tired of depressing myself. I really do want to be happy. I have been doing so much better lately, in spite of everything that has been happening. I think for a couple of years now I've believed it would be impossible for me to ever be happy again. Which may sound silly, but it's still something I struggle with. And why try to work toward something you don't believe you can acheive?
In the past couple of months I've been working over a few things. Finding my passions and engaging them. Dealing with grief. Focusing my attention outward (on helping other people whose experiences I can relate to) rather than focusing it inward (on self-pity). I feel like I am finally coming up for air. I have wanted this so badly for so long that I can't even express in words how good it feels to experience happiness or excitement about something again. It feels electric. I catch myself actually smiling for real instead of faking it. I just feel relieved. Like all hope is not lost. I'm not going to be sad forever.
Not that I am there yet. I realize that. Grief is a long road and I'm sure I'm still somewhere near the beginning of it. And still looking just as frantically for the off-ramp. But it somehow seems manageable. I've found a balance between respecting and remembering the things I've lost, and allowing myself to look toward the future.
That is a big deal... I don't know if anyone can truly grasp the weight of that statement.

With all of that going for me right now, I am afraid to bring up something bad. I am afraid of settling back into old habits, or even thinking through this event.
Basically, on Sunday, my friend Doug died. He went to my high school and he had muscular dystrophy. He was one of the nicest people I have ever known. He died of viral pneumonia. Which is how Caitie's dad died. And what my dad had a few weeks ago when he ended up in the hospital. Scary.
I don't know how I should react. Surely there is some boundary on what you choose to let affect you and how deeply. I am all too familiar with this specific feeling. But it does not matter if you have lost one person or a dozen people, it never gets any easier to deal with.
Before I prayed that God would give me rest, and he didn't. So I prayed that God would give me strength, and for a long time he didn't do that either. But I do believe he is beginning to answer some of my prayers. I don't think he has in mind for me to live an easy life, or one free of pain. But I do believe he is patiently teaching me how to find joy in the midst of suffering.
I am trying really hard to be teachable.


"Whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
Whatever you conceive Him to be,
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
In the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
-Max Ehrmann, Desiderata