so i am quite calm and logical in times of crisis, that's just how i work. but i wish i was more visibly upset when i talked to people. i feel like they think i am putting on some sort of act or trying to "be strong" or something. of course i am upset. but i am not a public crier/emotional outburst type of person. its just not how i operate. of course it takes so much trust for me to be able to communicate my feelings to other people. i am trying to be open about stuff but honestly when i say that i feel a certain way my heart is just disconnected. i hear myself saying it and it is true, but it is not possible for me to show you that. even if i wanted to make it apparent to everyone i am not capable of doing so. pretty much only if i am alone or with someone who i am totally safe with will that happen and so far there is only one person in that position and i think that's pretty much how it will stay. not on purpose its just this specific person is enough and i cant force myself to express something to someone unsafe. not that i am saying you are all unsafe, i know you and love you, its just my body feels differently i guess...? i dont know how to explain.
so i say that because i have been seeing everyone and they have been asking me how im doing and when i say "i'm doing ok" i really am, and i'm not bottling things up on purpose, it's just a different way of expressing emotions. and trust me it does come out, just not to the general public. im ok.
i feel like i keep rambling. i want to get a real journal to write my thoughts in so i dont have to censor anything for public viewing. but there has been no time for that. to go get one. actually if anyone wants to help me out just leave a blank notebook on my porch. that would be really helpful. it sounds dumb i know but thats what i want.
one thing that has sucked is that i always feel nauseous. i cant tell if its stress or from being sick myself. i dont ever want to eat. i have to force myself to do it so i will have enough energy.
i cant really sleep so well either although i am exhausted right now so maybe i will be able to tonight. it would be nice.

also matt thank you for praying for my family. i have more i want to say to you but i will do it when i see you, hopefully on sunday.