the happy game

Well today is going to be a bit more of a challenge to pick out good things. It was not really a good day. I'm going to start with some of the bad things because i need to vent a little.
I woke up at 5:30 to a text message (text messages at 5:30 are bad news), and was immediately nauseous and unable to go back to sleep. I probably laid there for about an hour and a half just feeling miserable. When I did finally get back to sleep I had nightmares that woke me back up again, still nauseous.
i had an awful fight with someone today. by the time it was over i felt completely ripped into. I was speechless. i cannot stand conflict, and i don't really like to hurl insults, or use sarcasm, or anything like that. i try to be honest about how i feel, which is really hard for me. and if it doesn't work then i just let them hit me where it hurts. I don't fight back. I just take it, with tears.
So I cried a lot today. Not just about that either. That fight started in the morning, but ended in the evening (it didn't take all day it was just... spaced out...). My family and I had gone out to dinner again (without my brother) because my dad is going away this week to europe. We ended up having some very heavy conversation about our family situation, what to do about my brother's drug habits, etc. It was a good conversation, but hard to have. For Becca and I, our patience with Daniel is really expiring very rapidly, and we don't get a whole bunch of chances to express our feelings about it. I was a basket case because of all the conflict that day and broke down at the dinner table (this is my 2nd public meltdown this week... I think I am going for a record).

Anyway. Enough about that. It was upsetting, but didn't rule my day. And there are some very good things that also came today, in all of this:
1) I got to spend some time with Kristin. She is leaving next week for school in Seattle. It was really fun to be around her.
2) I dyed my hair (my roots were driving me nuts)
3) The dinner conversation was really, really good and long overdue. I feel more at peace in terms of what I can and can't share with my brother. It is good not to have to tiptoe around him anymore.
4) I realized that despite all of the emotional overload today and sunday I have not even once been tempted to hurt myself. That was a huge realization for me and it made me very happy. That used to be something I struggled a lot with, so not having that thought anymore is freeing.
5) Despite the painfulness of my argument today, I am really proud of myself for making the decision to protect myself and do what is best for me right now. I have had trouble doing that in the past and it always ends up messy. I wish I could balance both but right now I can't do that. So the first is a big step for me. Which leads me to number
6) I have been so thankful for people like my mom, Jade, Ash, and Sarah, who have helped me out by listening and affirming and encouraging me. I will say it again: I have the most amazing friends (and mom). And I think that is a good realization to end the day with.

(this really did make me feel better)