MAN I have a headache right now.
Today was emotional. More problems with my brother, plus Oprah made me cry. Damn that Oprah. She is always doing that.

I have been thinking about Ethnos and our new series because we are starting the book of James this week. James is my favorite book and I know it well, so I'm pretty stoked about this one. (Bear with me as I express my thoughts, cause they might be a bit choppy. My head is literally killing me, so I'm having trouble being coherent)
The reason I find this passage interesting is because one of the first verses is: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." The version that I have, which is NIV, says, "Consider it PURE JOY." I have meditated on these words so many times through the hard circumstances in life, and there have been many. And I don't at all mean to belittle the things I have been through, because they have been intense and significant. But when I consider this passage in the context of church history I am blown away by these verses.
Not two weeks ago I sat in my art history class staring at a slide of the Colosseum, and recalling everything I'd learned in Western Civ about Nero and the persecution of the early church. These circumstances go far beyond anything I have ever experienced. I can't imagine living in fear of persecution and torture. And James doesn't just say, "Don't worry, this seems bad, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." He says, consider it JOY. PURE JOY.
Joy is hard enough for me to reach in happy circumstances, but nearly impossible in the midst of pain (or such has been the case until recently... I will get to that in a moment though). Considering this verse in its actual context, I can't wrap my mind around that concept. Persecution is joy. Torture is joy. God was growing the early church in ways they never could have fathomed through circumstances that seemed completely evil (and were completely evil).
Why I say this, though, is that I finally feel I have reach this point in my own life. It isn't that bad things don't happen or that I don't get upset when they do. I remember sitting in Justin's office last December, bursting into tears and telling him "I am tired of all the bad stuff happening to me, and if it doesn't stop soon, I just feel like giving up."
I laugh about that now, because what was happening in December that could even begin to compare to this summer? Losing Mike Osborne and Doug, the dissolution of Bethany Baptist, my brother, my sister, Todd, losing weight and feeling really sick, frustration about my own issues... just to name a few? None of these things have been easy, and none have been fun. But I can feel a physical and emotional difference in the way I have responded to them. For the first time, ever. I can't explain it except that these things have been character building for me. They have produced perseverance, and steadfastness. Even the things that have been most difficult (and continue to be difficult... I am not pretending they are easy now) I am deeply thankful for.
It is funny, because back when I first complained to Justin, he said he saw God preparing me for something. I didn't totally disagree with him then, but I did question, how is this preparation? I'm not maturing, I'm just discouraged and depressed? But now I see the purpose in that process. I am thankful for all of it.
Sitting down every night and writing about the good in each day, I have realized and found the joy in living the life I am living and being a servant of God.

There is so much more I want to say here, things that have been incubating for days and weeks and months, but a lot of it relates to the hermeneutics study. I want to save all my thoughts on that to discuss with the group tomorrow night in person...

BLAH. Okay. Done for now. I need some freaking excedrin.