Well, today I have a lot to write about, because I have been ruminating on some things for a while.

First of all, I have been reflecting on all the things I have learned about myself while being pregnant. I am the first of most of my friends to have kids, so I am trying to take notes so I can be a better support to each of them if/when they become parents. I am trying to think about which advice was most helpful, what comfort I needed (and when), what products I used, etc. I am trying to think of the interactions I have had with others that made me feel happy and supported, and the ones that made me feel insecure and worried. I am trying to store away all this knowledge so that I can be a good support system to my friends if they need it, but know when to keep my mouth shut if they don't.

For the last month or so I have been buckling down and reading a lot more about birth, parenting, relationships etc. I feel like I am finally ready (mentally) to face the prospect of giving birth. I was trying to describe the process of preparation to Matt... most of the time, in life, pain comes unexpectedly. It is weird to be staring the most physically painful and emotionally demanding event of your life in the face... and trying to prepare for it and accept it-- even look forward to it.

Angie gave me a good book early on, Birthing From Within, which I have been enjoying reading. It's about the mental and spiritual process you go through to prepare for birth and motherhood. There was a great quote in there, (I am going to paraphrase it because I'm too lazy to get up and get it) basically, that if women were really as weak as our current society would have us believe, the entire human race would have gone extinct long ago. I find that comforting and empowering, and I have tried to identify and deal with the fears I have regarding labor and parenting an infant. It has helped me ease my mind and approach the changes in life more confidently.

Finally, I have been reading up on family/marriage relationships once a baby is introduced and trying to think proactively about how Matt and I will tackle parenthood without losing our relationship. I picked up another fantastic book, And Baby Makes Three, last week and I have been totally engrossed in it. I love how it is so full of information and practical tips. I feel like every page is just crammed full of useful knowledge and I'm trying to take it all in.

It's comforting, in a way, to be reading about relationships, because I'm learning that Matt and I have a really good foundation in terms of our marriage and how we relate to each other. I know we are going to be facing a lot of stress and changes, but it seems like our habits and methods are basically on track and that is a big part of keeping your relationship healthy and vibrant (from what I am reading). We were talking about this last night, and Matt was commenting that maybe we haven't been married long enough to really fight about issues. But I can tell a difference even since the beginning of our relationship with how we approach conflicts. I would say we "fought" far more when we were dating, especially in the beginning, than we have since being married.

I am not saying that we are a perfect couple, but rather that I feel we are on a healthy trajectory... I know things will be different, and probably difficult, but I feel confident that we have the skills and resources to manage (and thrive). In a way it is a blessing to be forced to be more proactive with your marriage. It is easy to just let things happen, but having a newborn will mean we are forced to be more intentional with our relationship (something we probably should be doing anyway).

Lastly, I have learned to see some other blessings in our lives as I consider our new baby and the world she's going to be born into. Matt and I had originally hoped I would be a stay-at-home mom when our children were born. Because of where we are right now that isn't really a possibility. But I am learning to see the blessing in all of that. We are planning to arrange our schedules so that I can work part time while Matt stays home with the baby. I will be able to work a little bit less, so that in and of itself is a blessing. Also, I am excited about Matt being able to provide the majority of the childcare when I am away. I think it will give him time to gain confidence on his own as a dad and bond with his daughter. So many dads aren't really able to spend one-on-one time very often with their kids. So that is a hidden blessing in all of this. Also, I think it will be good for me to be able to get out of the house, even if it is to go to work.

I have also been thinking about the very special privilege our daughter will have because of Ethnos. My whole family attends church there so it is literally a family experience for us. It is cool to think that as our daughter grows, she will witness my parents' example of ministry as well as mine and Matt's. We will have three generations of one family in the same church... that is pretty crazy to think about. I don't know how long we will all be serving together like that, but unless God calls us away we plan to be at Ethnos as long as the doors are open. So the prospect of raising our daughter in an intimate, family church where she is known and loved is exciting to me.

Anyway... I have been blogging a long time and there are other things I need to get done today, so I will stop there.

Ahhhhh WHY IS IT SO HOT????

I seriously just briefly considered pulling out the hair shaver thingy Matt owns and Sinead-ing it. And possibly shaving the cat too because he seems equally miserable.

...And yet he, for some reason, wants to cuddle. Maybe because he knows we are both about to die and he wants to show me some love in our final moments...

Goodbye cruel world

Yay!

I just made reservations for us to celebrate our first wedding anniversary!

It is coming up a little over a month from today (June 28th), but because of crazy summer schedules, we are going to celebrate it a little early. So we get to go away in just a couple weeks.

I was feeling sad about missing out on summer camping this year. Usually we spend about a week camping with the Hartzells every summer, and my extended family (all one million of them) rent out a loop of yurts for a weekend every August. Not to mention the second annual Ethnos camping trip. The latter two are happening in August, and the Hartzell Family trip got canceled due to impending baby. Needless to say I was bummed our camping gear would sit in our garage getting dusty all summer.

SOOOO... I decided we should seize the day and go camping for our anniversary, and I am super thrilled to have just booked us a campsite! It is at a KOA campground, which is not usually so much our cup of tea, but I have to admit a hot shower and a free pancake breakfast sound nice at 7+ months pregnant. Not to mention the pool and mini golf. So I am excited, even if it's not technically "camping" (by my own definition).

I can hardly believe we've been married almost a year already... time flies.

So I just got off work... it has been a crazy weekend because of the holiday, and these are shifts I don't normally work, so I am exhausted. Not to mention I am noticing certain difficulties with my usual work habits and practices. Like sometimes I can't reach things on the counters because my belly is in the way and my arms are too short. And if I drop anything on the ground (which happens a lot because I'm moving fast and I'm clumsy) it takes a long time to pick it up/is uncomfortable and annoying.

I have taken to moving little things around on the counters so they are within my reach while I am working, a habit which is totally necessary but pisses off all my coworkers. (Of course they can't really be mean about it once I explain the reason, but I can tell they're exasperated.)

I'm 29 weeks today... which means our little girl could be arriving in about 10 weeks (or more, or less)! Hooray for the home stretch... I'm sick of pregnancy.

I am really into bubble tea right now. Talk about the weirdest pregnancy craving ever... those little tapioca balls that they put in the bottom of the cup? I swear I could drink a cupful of just those things.

Cold Mountain

Not to be all woe-is-me but I really wish I weren't sick this week. There is a lot of stuff I need to do, and I am finding it really hard to stop (or even slow down) and rest. I am in the pregnant mommy mindset and am so conditioned to ignore my random complaints and ailments that even though I know I should probably be taking it easy it's hard to do so. My parents taught me that illness is your body's way of slowing you down when you are putting too much pressure on yourself.

Anyway, I have to go back to work today, even though I'm not really ready and I feel guilty for exposing others to my contagious swine flu germs.

On a completely different note... last night Matt stayed home (usually on Tuesdays he does guy stuff) and we watched Cold Mountain. I have been wanting to see this movie for a while, primarily because the editor (Walter Murch) is one of my heroes in the film industry, and also because I have heard a lot about it and how great it is.

I don't think it fell short of any of the reviews I had heard, although for some reason, no matter what character he plays, I still hate Jude Law and have trouble loving his characters. The whole main love story was a little Romeo and Juliet-esque for my taste. It's not that I don't believe people can fall in love so quickly and completely... I do believe that, it happens all the time. What I don't believe is that they can then spend multiple years apart obsessing about each other with no communication and then come back together and so quickly fall back into love after so much has changed. I don't know, perhaps I am too much of a cynic, but I didn't connect as much with the main love story. It probably doesn't help that we are currently watching the show Rome which (I feel) has a much better example of this same dynamic (a husband returning to his wife after 8 years of war and her believing him to be dead). Of course TV shows have a lot more time in which to develop more realistic situations and characters.

There was one really fantastic and heartbreaking scene in the movie (I cried a little bit) where Jude Law's character comes to stay at a house where a widow and her sick baby are living. She lets him borrow some of her late husband's clothes and then asks him to sleep in the bed next to her. You kind of have to see the scene to get it, but even though very few words are exchanged it was by far the most powerful and beautiful scene in the film. (By contrast the final death scene was so predictable and cliche that it just seemed like a waste of time.)

Anyway. That little scene was like a little gem, and perhaps it is because of where I am in life that I found it so moving, but seriously... that is probably something that will stick with me for years.

Well, it is 2:30 in the morning and all the powers of the universe have aligned against me to keep me from sleeping soooooooo here I am blogging. I'm pretty sure I am coming down with something because when I left work a few hours ago my throat was just starting to hurt and now it is killing me. I'm also pretty sure my work/boss would freak out if I were to miss even one shift.

Work has sucked a little lately because one of the other members of our management team broke her foot and as a result has a bunch of restrictions on the time of day and length of shift she can work. The good thing is that I have been picking up a bunch of her hours, but my boss has been stressing about it. Not to mention that the schedule has been less than ideal because I've been working a ton more nights and weekends and not been able to spend as much time with Matt. And there is literally no back up plan if one of the remaining three of us gets sick or injured... it makes me worry a little bit about what is going to happen down the road if I have to miss work or leave early for some reason. I have not once (so far) called in sick because of pregnancy symptoms, and I doubt that is going to change, but it would be nice to just feel like I had the option if I needed to take advantage of it.

Needless to say I am looking forward to dialing it back a little come September.

Aughhh I think I am gonna have to miss work tomorrow... I feel crappy.

I love the women who ask me how far along I am, and then feign surprise, like "You're due in August? Wow-- you look great!" I know they are lying, but I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless. And it definitely beats the strangers who say stuff like "Wow, you are huge" or tell me about their friend/sister/wife/self whoever who was "barely showing" at 26 weeks or gained like 10 pounds their whole pregnancy. I'm not gonna lie... I kinda want to be mean to those people.

I have read about how random people you don't even know will give you advice or comment on your habits while you're pregnant. I am just beginning to experience this phenomenon. (Mental note: never become this person.) The other day at Winco the guy checking me out told me I should only load my bags to 10 lbs. I said, "I don't know what book you're reading, but I can carry like 40 lbs if I want to." He told me that it was very dangerous for me to lift heavy things "especially this late in your pregnancy" (again, STRANGER, so he really has no idea how far along I am). He proceeded to pick up each of my bags and tell me which ones were too heavy. Then he double checked my bag of kitty litter (8 lbs so I guess I was safe). I explained to him that I do yoga with two 5 lb weights every single day-- I think I can handle my own groceries. Which is when he gave me that look that people give when pregnant women don't take their advice-- it's a mix between "I warned you" and "Someone should really call social services."

I know people are well-meaning, and I speak partly in jest, but still, it can be annoying. A man scolded my coworker the other day for making me carry a bucket of water. Like, actually spoke sternly to her, and frowned when we both laughed at him. The other day I ordered coffee from my own work, and my coworker said, "Did you mean decaf?" Uhhhh NO. I meant what I said. To which her reply was "Ooooooookay." (aka: I warned you.)

Anyway.... time to eat. I am always grumpy before breakfast.

This post is for my friend Amanda. She does not read my blog, but if I tell her I wrote a post for her she will start to feel guilty and then have to check it every once in a while. It's all part of my continuing mission to attract new readers (...my brain really wanted me to continue that sentence with "explore strange new worlds").

Also, my goal for today is to finish watching Lawrence of Arabia.

My Husband is Cool Pt. 1,455,987

So I know I blog about this topic quite a bit, but Matt and his awesomeness happen to be my #2 favorite topic for blogging, so I'm going for it.

Matt and I have been slowly (really slowly) trying to prepare our house for a baby. So far this has mostly consisted of conversations and brainstorming but no real action. To be frank I find the task of re-decorating our house a little daunting in my current state. I like how it is now, and since I don't have a billion dollars to spend buying all new furniture and organizational tools, it requires creativity and that can be a challenge. Usually I am up to such a challenge but for some reason this is hard to get moving on. Perhaps it is me attempting to cling to our last few months as a newlywed couple before being plunged into the reality of parenthood. Anyway, for whatever reason, we haven't really been on top of this stuff yet.

One of the things we have been discussing is how to squeeze our office into another room of the house and this has led to some slight disagreements (not really arguing, just a differing of opinion). I really wanted to buy a computer armoire. I liked the idea of everything being tucked away and neat (a place for everything and everything in its place). I also liked the idea of having something that can close up so that cords, papers and little baubles are out of a crawling baby's reach. Matt liked the desk that we have and didn't agree that a new piece of furniture was really necessary. I think he was also worried about having enough space for all of our office supplies.

We have been looking around for a while, but hadn't come to an agreement on anything. Well, this week Matt started looking and sent me a link to some well-priced furniture on Craigslist. I said it looked pretty good and Matt went and bought it-- for less than the asking price-- and then he and his dad (who is also endlessly helpful... perhaps more on that later) went and picked it up in Oregon City. It needs to be refinished, so today we went out and got the materials to do it and Matt has volunteered to take care of it all by himself (I can't really stain things in my current condition). And guess what-- it's an armoire. :)

I am relieved to have this out of the way and SO thankful that Matt took charge and is getting things done. Plus, he gave up what he wanted and took on a big project to please me and get our house ready for the baby.

Also, while I lazed about typing this, he fixed our toilet (it has been broken for awhile). It is really a blessing to have such a handy husband. I consider myself to be pretty savvy with tools and home repairs but half the time I would be lost without him. Seriously.

Anyway, Matt is currently out in the garage so I feel like maybe I should be doing some wifely things like laundry and dishes rather than spend all day blogging... :)

I think my dream job is to be a professional organizer. I know that's kind of a weird job, but I really think I would thrive on it and be good at it. The only problem is, though this industry clearly exists, I really have no idea how I would go about getting into it.

I think most of the time that these people start their own businesses. I could probably do that, but I would much rather join someone else who is already successful. Plus, it is a financial risk.

a poem

Recently my blog may have attracted quite a following. And by that I mean two coworkers now know of its existence and may someday visit it (but probably not). Regardless, I have decided to step it up a notch.

I may have already posted this once before, but it was probably about 5 years/500 posts ago, so no one will remember. This is a translation of a poem I wrote my senior year of high school for a french assignment. It is so much better in french but unfortunately I have lost the original and the ability to re-translate it so now all I have is the english version (and a snippet of the french over there below my picture).

When the shadows on my windowsill
Become sunlight dancing through the panes
and I've danced along upon this street
and felt the brush of gentle rain...

My whitewashed mind, it walks alone
Upon a beach bright as the dawn,
With waves that break over the rocks
and whisper to me, "Time goes on."

The thoughts that run across my mind
In patterns like the wings of doves
Leave me to try to catch their flight
In search of morals, truth and love.

The bare feet of my youthful mind,
Splashing free in salty tides,
Know nothing but the haggard seagulls
And the selfish way in which they pry.

To indulge my childhood pleasures
I let my innocent thoughts run free
and in my fingers hold a pencil
To record the things I see.

But upon this beach there is naught to find
But rocks and waves and pure white sand
and I know the world has more to offer
Than the grains I hold within my hand.

So away from the beach I slowly stride,
and leave childhood to play alone.

Does anyone out there speak two languages fluently enough to read/write? Because as much as I hated taking french, I used to love translating between the two. English is so raw and clunky in comparison. I have an abysmal accent, but if I still remembered how, I would always write in french because it is so beautiful and poetic.

God is good!

On Thursday, Matt and I had a trip to the doctor and sat down with one of their receptionists to talk over my health coverage and figure out what our fees were going to look like. I feel uncomfortable using exact numbers, but suffice it to say that making a baby comes with a pretty hefty price tag. Although we could pay the medical bills without accruing any more debt, it would seriously diminish our savings. Which is not something you want to do when you're adding a family member, taking time off work, and learning how to juggle parenthood and employee-hood.

But God is really, really good to us. This year we received a great tax return that will cover almost half of our prenatal/delivery expenses. It was a blessing, but it was also a blessing we had expected, which unfortunately made us a little less thankful than we should have been.

Well, we received another great gift from God yesterday and this was one we weren't expecting. One of the perks of Matt's job (which I am neverendingly thankful for: both that he was so selfless and responsible at such an early age to pursue a career that would support a family AND that God has protected his position so far in a stumbling economy) is that he has really great health coverage. I am not on his health plan and could not switch after becoming pregnant, so I didn't think we would reap any of the benefits of this coverage. One of these benefits is a flexible spending account. Which, for anyone who doesn't know (like me until yesterday) means that Matt and his employer have been saving money in a designated account for the last couple of years. This money can be used to pay for random medical expenses not covered by his plan. Thankfully, Matt has had none and has been accruing money in this account for a while now. Yesterday, we discovered that we could use this money to pay for my medical bills. And guess what-- it will cover exactly half.

Which means that God has chosen to bless us with the exact amount we need to pay for our child without sacrificing our savings.

To me this is an overwhelmingly good gift from a Father who CLEARLY loves us. I mean, this would have been difficult, but it wasn't impossible. For some reason I have always thought that God provides in "extreme" ways only when you are hanging on for dear life and can't make ends meet. It blows me away that He would do this for us before we even really had a need.

I was so moved by this yesterday that it brought tears to my eyes while I was at work, and again now while writing this. I don't know if I have ever felt God so tangibly as during this pregnancy. It was so hard in the beginning to surrender my disappointment and my fears when God gave us this baby. It was so not what we has planned, and I had never felt more unprepared or out of control. But over the past few months He has slowly uncovered this grand plan, and every step of the way He has provided so that every would-be obstacle has become an amazing example of His love for us and reassurance that He means this for our joy as well as His glory. I have wondered over and over again if I could be a good mother and why God would saddle me with such responsibility when I still feel like a child myself. And over and over He would soothe my fears and show me the beauty of it all. From the very small to the very large he has provided for every need we have had, from maternity clothes to baby items to delivery costs. He has protected our child and kept her healthy even when there are so many things that could go wrong. And He has completely changed my heart.

Anyway, I could probably blather on and on but I will stop it here and just say God is good and today I am overwhelmed by this simple truth.

I know I have talked about this before

But it's worth mentioning again. I love Real Simple magazine. Vicki gave me a subscription for Christmas and the day I run out and find it crumpled in my mailbox is the happiest day of each month.

The reason I am getting so enthusiastic all over again is because I accomplished these two ridiculous feats today, with assistance from this magazine:

1) cooked a gourmet dinner in 13 minutes

2) cleaned my whole house with a few squirts of castille soap, a cup of baking soda, and a little bit of borax.
(I really mean my whole house. Sinks, tubs, showers, toilets, floors, counters, stovetops, you name it. I did it all)

I am ceaselessly impressed with how practical every single bit of information in this little periodical can be. It is literally like a guidebook to life, or at least to being a really great housewife.

This month was especially helpful to me because of the cleaning tips (see above, no. 2). I haven't been able to clean my entire house in 5 months because of baby. It has been Matt's responsibility to clean the bathrooms and the sinks. This is fine, except that it frustrates me each week to clean the whole house and leave something dirty. Also, I don't feel too great about having chemicals in my house that are so toxic I can't breathe them in while pregnant.

This fact, and my desire to be more environmentally friendly, has had me rethinking my cleaning routines. So when this month's big story was about how to clean your house using simple, non-toxic household products, I was pretty thrilled. Between the three things I listed above, a couple lemons, salt, and a bottle of vinegar, you can clean everything in your entire house.

I just like the idea of using natural products, and not having to worry about my baby getting into a bunch of chemicals. Today was kind of a test run to see if this would be doable, and I am pleased with the results (my house smells like an orange tree instead of pine and alcohol).

19 weeks

(My husband has informed me that the format of my blog makes it undesirable to read, and that if I were to follow his advance and put a double space between each paragraph he, and others, would be more likely/willing to read the entirety of my posts. So, Matt, this is for you:)

As of this week our baby is about 6 inches long and designating specific parts of the brain for smell, taste, hearing, vision and touch. This is generally the time when doctors encourage you to talk or sing to your baby because research shows they are just beginning to be able to hear you. So it's time for me to make good on my promise of reading to my baby while pregnant.

Matt and I are part of a website called baby center where we get weekly updates and can see advice and stories from other parents. This week there were a few other moms commenting about how active their little ones are in the womb. This made me smile a bit.

I am literally counting the days (there are 13) until our next doctor's appointment. Last night I started thinking about the changes we are going to have to make to accommodate a baby in the house. We are probably going to use part of our tax return to get the stuff we need to put our house (+ nursery) in order. I really have no desire to paint or otherwise redecorate this room, and neither does Matt, so this mostly consists of buying 1 or 2 pieces of furniture. And since we aren't going all-out on the nursery, maybe I will sew a quilt or paint a painting or something to satisfy my nesting instinct.

Anyway, I am most excited about picking out names! We have talked only very briefly about this topic because we knew we were going to find out the sex and wanted to wait for that. So I have only heard a handful of Matt's baby name ideas (most of which I think-- or hope-- were jokes). But this should be fun.

FYI readers, we are planning on keeping our baby's name a secret until the baby itself is debuted, so don't think you are going to get a sneak preview... even when we do choose a name.

I am tired. Almost all of the time. I wish that I could not be tired, but I can see no solution to this problem. Right now, no matter how much I sleep, I always feel run-down. Which is just because of being pregnant. And after I am done being pregnant, I will have a little baby who needs me ALL OF THE TIME, and then I will never get sleep.
So, there is no solution for the feasible future, and that makes me feel... depressed.

I think I might be coming down with something, because I have not been feeling so hot these past couple of days. It struck me today that I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the flu and pregnancy sickness. Except for, possibly, a fever. Which could still be pregnancy related. But hopefully not.
Anyway.
Within the past week our baby has been getting steadily more and more ferocious with its little kicks, somersaults and jabs (by the way-- as a side note for anyone who has not been pregnant, baby somersaults actually feel like somersaults. It's a similar feeling to riding a roller coaster or being in an elevator. Just so you know).
It's interesting to me how much of a difference I can tell within one week. A week ago I was feeling intermittent kicks and punches (especially in the car or when sitting upright in a chair) but now I can tell the baby's sleeping schedule based on its pattern of movement. And each individual movement is much easier to identify. Like I said, they are pretty fierce. And regular. It kinda feels like I have a mini ADHD soccer player in there. And he/she is the size of a bell pepper! That is really kind of big, when you think about it.
Feeling your baby move is pretty cool, because you get to bond with them a little bit, and it can give you a clue about their mood (mostly if they are awake, hyper, or frightened). You can also interact with them a little and see how the way you move (or talk) can change their behavior.
Still, it is a kind of weird sensation, being kicked out from the inside. In the car it can make me quite carsick, and it just doesn't feel quite right all of the time. The stronger ones (and I know I haven't felt anything much yet) can be startlingly uncomfortable. I hear that later on they can kick you in the ribs and cause pain. Not really looking forward to that.

Anyway, in other news I received a review and a raise today. Yay! And... that is all I have to say about that.

More of the Top 100

So Matt and I have been continuing to chip away at the top 100 list (only 30 more to go!) and polished off these few in the past couple weeks:

Raging Bull- These past few movies have secured some actors on my favorite actors list. Bustin Hoffman, Jimmy Stewart, Alec Guinness, Marlon Brando, and Robert De Niro are a few of them. De Niro was fantastic in this movie. It makes me sad that his (and Hoffman's) talents are now wasted on trash like Meet The Fockers.
Also, I didn't catch this at the time, but did a little study on the movie after the fact and some of the visual elements Scorsese incorporates are pretty cool. In general, I love being able to dissect things on multiple levels. If all that is present is all that I see or read on the surface, I may enjoy it, but I won't count it among the greats. I love that there are directors out there who plan up artistic details incomprehensible to the average viewer. It shows that there is incredible depth to a medium that has historically been limited by technology, time, physical constraints, etc. I like art that makes me think, and this one did.

Patton- Matt and I watched this one last night and it was one of the first that he approved as being Top 100 worthy. I'm not always a huge fan of war epics (unless they are made by David Lean... more on that later), but this one was good. It's possible I enjoyed this more than I otherwise would have because I knew Matt was enjoying it.

Midnight Cowboy- This was the only X rated film to ever win Best Picture. And probably one of the greatest acting performances of all time (by Hoffman of course, who else?). AND it contains the famous line (which maybe you didn't even KNOW was a famous line) "Hey, I'm WALKIN' here!" when Rizzo is nearly hit by a taxi while walking across the street.
I liked this movie the same way one might like reading The Catcher In The Rye. It was painful, but beautiful.

The Apartment- REALLY enjoyed this movie. It reminded me of one of my high school friends. It had a clever plot and was well-cast. This was the first time I had ever seen young Shirley MacLaine and she was unbelievably gorgeous. I kind of wish actresses were still classy like that. Ohhh well. C'est la vie.


I also mostly done with both Bonnie and Clyde and Lawrence of Arabia and will post my thoughts on these soon.

(my baby is probably doing the backstroke or something because I can totally feel it wriggling)

So lately I have been thinking about myself, my family, and the values I want to live by and pass on to my children. The last couple of years of my life have been consumed by dating, engagement, early marriage, and the anticipation of upcoming parenting. But now that Matt and I have settled into our daily routine, I have been reexamining my choices and trying to decide what kind of wife and mother I want to be, and what values I would like to instill in my family.
I have already decided some things that are important to me as relates to parenting. I know it will be years before these things make an impression on our child, but I have recently discovered how important they are to me and therefore how deeply I desire to live them out for my family.
First of all, there is the obvious one, I want our household to be one that is Biblical. I want to set a good example for my children of how to love Jesus and love each other. I want to know the Bible so that when they come to me with questions I know how to help them find the answers. My parents were always incredibly knowledgeable about Scripture and this was an incredible asset to me, probably more than I understood until very recently.
Also, this might sound weird, but growing up, my parents often asked me to choose my own punishment when I was in trouble. So if I did something wrong they told me to go find that sin in the Bible and read what God said about it and come up with an adequate punishment. I thought this was incredible, because when I was old enough to really get what I was doing it made me see that acting out against my parents was also hurting God. They also occasionally chose not to punish me, and when they did so, they told me it was to illustrate how God is merciful even when we sin and don't deserve it. Which is pretty powerful stuff, even to a teenager.
I also want to set a good example of marriage and family life. I want our house to be a place that is open to visitors and where our kids can feel our love for each other, for them and for our friends and neighbors.
Over the course of middle school and high school, I racked up about 6 or 7 years of French classes. It got to the point that my senior year I was near fluent and could read and write in French. (I actually used to study the Bible sometimes in French because I found the differences in translation really beautiful. French is a great language for describing God's love for us.)
Anyway, the years have gone by and I've lost most of what I knew. But back when I still had it, I decided that I would like to teach my child to be bilingual. This is easiest to do by just speaking to them in another language when they are very young. I don't know if I will still be able to do this, but I am going to try because I think it would be incredible and I'd love for them to have that opportunity.
Next, I want to teach my child to be a good steward. By this I chiefly am referring to two things: money/material possessions and the environment.
I feel like my parents did a very good job of teaching me about money. When I was young they sat me down and showed me with monopoly money how much their paycheck was and where it went every month. When I was older they gave me an allowance from which I was supposed to provide my own things: school supplies and clothes, etc. All of this was great. There is only one thing I would change from my parents education and that is credit. When I was sixteen I got a credit card and ended up with $500 in credit card debt. Now, this was a very inexpensive way for me to learn about credit and I am thankful for this lesson. But given the choice with my own child, I would not allow them to get a credit card. I'd instill in them from the time they were young that any item worth buying is worth saving for. Another thing my parents did that I would do differently is that I never plan to loan my child money for anything. I didn't realize until recently how this had contributed to my idea of "buy now, pay later". My parents were good at educating us about credit card debt, but they loaned me money countless times so I could buy stupid stuff. I don't want to do that for my kid. I would rather occasionally gift them something that they really want (I stress occasionally, if it was regular it would be the same as loaning them things) than set them up to "borrow" things. I also think this is a good example of what Christ does for us: when we are good stewards of what He has given us, He often blesses us with more.
As a side note on this topic, I also want to teach my family the value of taking care of their possessions. I grew up mending my clothes when they tore. Or, if they were not salvageable, I tore them up and made something new until the fabric literally dissolved. I try to use things until they are used up, and I hope to teach my kids to do the same. I want them to be creative with the things they own rather than fall in line with the throwaway culture we live in.
Now, the environment. I believe very strongly that this is another stewardship issue. I don't care about the environment for political reasons, I care because it was God's gift to me and taking good care of it makes it more enjoyable to live in. (Not unlike money and other possessions: good stewardship makes money/possessions a blessing, poor stewardship makes them a curse). I am making a very intentional effort to change my daily habits to be more Earth friendly and more community friendly. I hope that my kids will grow up seeing these things as the norm instead of as optional efforts. That is my goal.
Lastly, I hope from a very early age to teach my children to be independent. I want them to grow up feeling like they are capable of doing things on their own, but that I am here to help them if they need it. For example: my mom taught me to cook, clean and do laundry by making me do it myself starting from grade school. I was responsible for doing my own laundry, cooked dinner for the family once a week, and knew how to do almost every household chore, including fixing things that broke around the house. The only reason I know how to do this stuff now is because I've been learning to do it for ten years. I didn't realize at the time how great this was (I thought it sucked) but I think my husband would agree I am a good cook and decent housekeeper, and I know how to help "fix things" around the house.
Anyway... I could go on and on about all my parenting goals and plans. It is cool to be awakened to all these things and how important they are to me. Some of them I haven't even realized until recently.
The only downside is that it makes me a little anxious. The more excited I am or the more plans I make for my child, the more afraid I am that something will somehow go wrong. I am eagerly anticipating our ultrasound next month for reasons other than I thought I would. I am excited to find out the sex of our baby, but really I just want some assurance that s/he is healthy! (Plus I really think it's a girl)



*DISCLAIMER: all references to multiple children in this post are generalities and in no way reflect my desire to have more kids. I don't know what they are like yet and I'm not totally convinced that one won't be enough for me.

the weekend

Well, I have a few things to say about this weekend, and about my husband, being that it was his birthday last Thursday.
This was a big birthday because it is both our first and last as a couple. Not that we are getting a divorce, but having a kid around is going to make stuff like this harder to do, so it had to be memorable.
So, there was a party. We had dinner with the Hartzells, and the REAL present is that next weekend we are going away (to the beach)! This is our first trip since our honeymoon and I am really excited to get away and hang out with my husband.
On Saturday, we did something else fun (well, sort of fun). We finally switched our cell phone plans which means that my parents are no longer paying my cell phone bill. And we switched to... T-Mobile. It wasn't my first choice for a cell phone carrier but T-Mobile has one thing that no else does: The G Phone. Which was another of Matt's birthday presents.
My husband is an incredible provider. And by that I mean not just that he brings home a paycheck, but that he ALSO does all of the hard work figuring out how to make our paychecks stretch over everything we need or want them to. He is the one that determines when we need to say no to something because it won't fit in our budget. A lot of the time it means he is saying no to something that he personally wants so that I can have something that is important to me or so that he can provide something else our family needs more. Even when he does get something for himself, it is always in the most frugal way possible. He always shops around for the best price or for a used version of something he wants. Because of how well he leads our family in this, we don't usually have to worry about how we are going to make ends meet or pay for unforeseen expenses. This is something I really respect because I do not come by this trait naturally, and in my hands I'm sure our finances would be a huge mess.
Soooo... all of that to say that I encourage him to make the occasional splurge on himself when our finances will allow it. So he got a (well-deserved) fancy new phone for his birthday. And seeing him play with it is like watching a little kid on Christmas. Pretty cute.
On Saturday night we had all of the young married (and engaged) couples over for our first ever study night and that went really well. I really like the people in this group, and all of the things you worry about when you are about to have a bible study (or theology night, or whatever) didn't happen. Everyone did their homework, everyone seemed comfortable with sharing, and Matt did a great job leading our discussion. This is, in general, another thing he is really good at, I think because he is such a good listener and also does a great job of gently redirecting conversations when they roam from the important points. Not to mention he came up with good discussion questions for the group and knew exactly when to ask them so there weren't awkward pauses but everyone still got to share.
I just felt very encouraged by having this group and having it immediately be so successful. This has not always been the case with things I have been a part of at Ethnos or other churches. I think, and I have said this before, having other couples to talk to is invaluable when you are newly married.
Lastly, yesterday I had a long work day but I got to spend an hour or so with my best friend and her husband who live in Seattle. They came down to visit for the weekend but we could only squeeze them in for a little bit on Sunday. Still, it was really great to see them and catch up a bit. I wish they lived closer to us so we could hang out more.
Anyway... I spent longer than I thought I would typing this and now I need to start getting ready for work.
:)

Top 100 Movies!

Since I renewed my movie-watching goal two weeks ago I have managed to cross several films off the list: Tootsie, Fargo, An American In Paris, Yankee Doodle Dandy, and Chinatown. I would have liked to write full reviews for all of them, but it's been a busy week for me so instead here are a couple thoughts on each:

Tootsie: I think I already mentioned this one. I like funny movies and this was a funny movie. I also love Dustin Hoffman, who is an incredible actor. So this one got a high score in my book.

Fargo: I enjoyed watching this movie, but I don't know if it deserved to be on the Top 100. I haven't seen many Coen films, but I preferred No Country For Old Men to this one. I think No Country has a greater right to be among the Top 100. Maybe someday it will be. Still, Frances McDormand is a great actress and her character was pretty endearing.

An American In Paris: I hated this movie. I didn't like the plot or the characters, I don't think Gene Kelly is as great an actor as people claim, and the 18-minute ballet wasn't enough to get me to buy the 30 second resolution to the film. I understand why it is ranked among the Top 100 but I still think it is a crappy movie and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Yankee Doodle Dandy: I put this one off for years knowing nothing about it because I assumed it was going to be an army musical. Turns out it is about Broadway. It was actually pretty good. Cagney is not a great singer, though. In fact, his voice is pretty annoying. But the movie was fun to watch, for a musical. I've had the songs stuck in my head for the past five days though, and I could've done without that.

Chinatown: Absolutely brilliant. I love Nicholson. I also think Huston did an incredible job in this movie, particularly in the end scene where he's coming, zombie-like, for the little girl even after getting shot in the arm. It is saying a lot for me to say I like a film noir, because in general I dislike the genre and all of its cliches. But this one was entertaining and kept me guessing. Also it was one of the few that Matt tolerated (the only other one he watched with me was Fargo, which he spent a good 30 minutes googling afterward trying to figure out "why it was good").

I have a pile of DVDs sitting next to my TV waiting to be watched in the coming weeks. The Apartment, Raging Bull (which I might have already seen but gotten confused between Rocky and On The Waterfront... I'll watch it again nonetheless), Lawrence of Arabia, Bonnie and Clyde, and Midnight Cowboy are hopefully my next five. I'm still waiting for Midnight Cowboy to come in the mail, so hopefully I get to that in the next couple weeks. Otherwise I'll have to replace it with a western... yuck.

Two things:

You may have read in the news that Starbucks eliminated some 1300 positions yesterday. (Quick side note-- it annoys me the comments people make about this. It's almost like they are rejoicing in Starbucks' failure. I understand why people hate the company, but still. It employs thousands upon thousands of people; 7,000 of which will be losing their jobs in the new few weeks. It could be I am touch sensitive since it hits kind of close to home, but still. Rant over)
Anyway... where was I? Oh yes, our assistant store manager was one of those demoted (not for personal reasons or anything, they're just getting rid of that position in general). I'm not going to lie, it is actually better for me in terms of my paycheck. Since she was a salaried employee, she had to be scheduled 40 hours a week which means the other supervisor and I were barely getting 30. Now we will all be splitting the hours, so I will be able to scrounge a few extra every week. Still, it sucks. I feel bad for her and for our store manager, and a few of the baristas who didn't see it coming and are now freaking out about their positions.


Mooooving on... part deux, Matt and I had our second doctor appointment today. We met our real doctor for the first time, and to my relief he is nice and not creepy (sorry, but sometimes I wonder about male OB-GYNs). Mostly this appointment was boring. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat again, which was still pretty fun and reassuring. I got the results of all my tests and they told me stuff I already knew, like that I don't have HIV. So far everything looks good, none of the scary stuff happening like I read about in mommy books. The only really cool part of our visit today was that we got to schedule our NEXT visit, which is in about 6 weeks. And that is where we get our anatomy ultrasound and get to find out the sex of the baby. It seems like that came upon us really fast, though I'm sure the next few weeks will drag on with me just waiting for it. Also, I am eagerly anticipating the first kicks and punches which are supposed to be coming in about a month or so. I'm told it can take longer for first-time moms to recognize these things, but I'm determined to be so tuned in to my body that I won't mistake it when it happens. We'll see if this works... I bet not.

(In case you are wondering why my blog suddenly became mom central, it's because I have made it a goal of mine to record my pregnancy IN CASE I have a little girl who someday will want to read about it. My parents saved their love letters and let me read them when I fell in love with Matt, and I always thought that was a cool gesture, so this is kind of like that. And also, I'm too lazy for paper journals.)

Matthew 6:25-34

Which reads:

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

This passage came into my head today as I was driving to work and worrying about the fact that my work clothes are ready to pop buttons and zippers. What would at any other time in my life be something fun (buying new clothes) is, at the moment, a stressful additional expense in an already tight budget. Right now Matt and I are trying to successfully navigate the loss of about a quarter of my pay while still banking enough to pay for baby expenses.
And, the thing that makes this really stressful is that maternity clothes aren't a one-time expense... so while I'm doing my best to get stuff that will last for a while, I have no idea how big I will get or how fast I will get there.
Anyway, while I was pondering all these things, God brought this verse into my head. It said two things to me. First, that sometimes what we think we need is not really what we need. As much as I would love to have cute/fashionable maternity clothes (and I admit it, I really do), I can live with pretty much anything that successfully covers my body. And, secondly, I think God will provide these things. By that I mean not just the clothes, but the things that are necessary to provide for our family-- now and in the future.

Anyway, this is a simple revelation I know, but it was a good reminder for me...

Aaron

So I found out today that our neighbor died. I was sure something had happened because there have been people in and out of his house for the past couple weeks cleaning and moving things. I was hoping it was something else, though, like his friends were helping him move or he had gone to a nursing home or something.
He was around 60, and kind of reclusive. I used to worry about him because he would leave notices or mail on his doormat for days at a time. Recently I actually knocked on his door to check on him but he didn't answer.
Anyway. I feel bad that I didn't really know him... he had no family. And he seemed like a nice guy from the couple of times I interacted with him. Makes me wish I would have reached out to him more.

movies!!

I've had this headache for like 4 days... ugh.

So, I have made a new resolution for myself (and thus for Matt as well). I am going to attempt to polish off the Top 100 movies by the time my baby is born. I have been chipping away at this (ever so slowly) for the past five years and now it's time to step it up a notch. I have 38 movies to go (36 of which are attainable, and 2 of which will require a ton of effort and/or money to find).
I currently have 13 of these movies in my possession and my plans for today include two musicals (An American In Paris and Yankee Doodle Dandy) and, if possible, Fargo.

On a related note, yesterday I watched Tootsie and it was fantastic! Funny, well written and well acted. Plus, I enjoy watching these movies and getting to hear (in context) famous quotes that have slipped into our vocabularies. I mean, how many times have you said or heard someone say "I coulda been a contender", but most of us haven't seen On the Waterfront (in fact, many people think that quote is from one of the Godfather movies). Or, "Here's lookin' at you, kid", or the army whistle from Bridge On The River Kwai. I could go on and on. But it's fun to hear where all these quotes came from, especially when you can go your whole life hearing it without ever having heard it in context. Tootsie has a famous line, "I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man." I've heard the quote before, but I never knew where it came from.

Anyway, I am a nerd and I'm well aware of this. Most of the movies that I've left til now are ones that I was avoiding for some reason (they're westerns, musicals, film noir or really really old [Birth of A Nation SUCKS and is racist]) but I am determined to push through them and complete my film self-education before I am forced to completely surrender to mommyhood, and therefore have no more fun again, ever.*

Well, that is all for now. Off to take some tylenol and watch some Gene Kelley.



*please note sarcasm

I miss wine!

I really, really miss wine. A lot. I am fine giving up every other type of alcohol and even cutting back the caffeine, but I swear to you I am popping a bottle of champagne in the delivery room the second this thing is over.

I am eating a chocolate cupcake as I write this.

Let me just say that our cat is not the friendliest of cats. I have grown to love him over the past couple of years, but I am by no means blind to his faults. He is feisty, whiny, and I've seen him hiss at more than one person in the past few months. But, he has one really adorable habit that I love. One of his favorite things is to crawl up in front of you when you are typing on the computer and lay down between your arms and snuggle. It's pretty cute. He also meets you at the door when you come home from work, sort of like a dog, and he'll meow and let you pick him up and cuddle him for a bit.
Apart from that he will never cuddle with you, unless you are sleeping, which is not quite as cute, because it wakes you up, and waking up a sleeping pregnant woman is never a good plan.
We just had a fun/relaxing weekend with our friends Brent and Amy and their 6-month-old daughter Sofia. It was our first time having guests stay with us, so that was a little interesting. It was kind of a mad scramble to get the house ready. Luckily their daughter isn't crawling yet because our house is nowhere near baby-proofed.
Anyway, we had good times, saw all the Portland sites, and Matt and I got to get a little taste of what it's like to be around a baby. I feel like we may be slightly misled because Sofia is not only the cutest, but also the easiest baby I have ever met in my life. She hardly cried all weekend, she slept all night, and when she was awake she was always smiling and giggling.
It was weird for me though. I felt very excited being around a baby, and it almost made me wish our baby would come sooner since I am so eager to meet him/her and play with them. It also made me anxious, though. Amy was very open with me about what a challenge it was juggling parenting and school, what effect it had on their relationship, and the financial burden (which will be considerably greater in our case). And it was a lot of work keeping her fed, rested, clean and entertained. It's one thing to play with a baby for a few minutes, it's a totally different thing to be stuck with one all day long.
So, I am, and probably always will be, still conflicted about becoming a parent.
On the plus side of things, I saw like 15 hot moms this weekend with babies around 6 or 7 months, which made me feel hopeful, since I read an article last thursday about post-pregnancy body issues. Needless to say, I don't want to get fat, but more importantly, I don't want to feel bad about myself. I think the way you feel has a greater impact on your appearance than the way you're shaped. And I hate to read about moms who think they need plastic surgery to repair their distorted post-prego bodies.

In other news, last week was a looooooooong week at work, complete with all kinds of drama, but it's beginning to look like things are looking up around the ol' workplace, and that has elevated my mood a bit. In addition, I am no longer feeling nauseous for the most part (thus the cupcake) and I don't need a nap today. In fact, I'm about to go exercise right now. AND it's sunny outside. So there's no reason to not be totally happy.

P.S. my cupcake was delicious, if you're wondering.

something pretty cool

My aunt, who is both incredibly cool and an art curriculum coordinator in Washington (those two, in my mind, are related) sent me a link to this website today: http://www.chrisjordan.com/

I think this artist is fascinating. I especially liked E. Pluribus Unum and Running the Numbers. I probably spent a good half hour looking at all of the pieces and thinking about what they mean.

Baby!

Even though Matt already gave his whole rundown of our first doctor's visit, I am still going to do the same. I don't think I could possibly forget it, but I want to be sure I have a record of it.
I had been equal parts excited about and dreading our first OB visit. They had to reschedule me once and because of that our appointment wasn't with our regular doctor-- who I haven't even met yet. As it is they just BARELY squeezed me in before the end of the first trimester. (According to yesterday's ultrasound we are pretty much at twelve weeks today or tomorrow.)
Anyway, the lady who we DID meet with was really nice and totally put me at ease. She was a nurse midwife, not an OB, but I liked her and I hope that our doctor is as good. I was REALLY anxious about all of the tests I would have to take, and I cried a little bit in the morning thinking about it. But it turned out not to be bad at all. I HATE getting my blood drawn more than anything, and yesterday I had to get blood drawn out of BOTH of my arms (I wish they would have technology powerful enough that they would only need a drop of blood for each test, or, better yet, a drop of blood on which they could perform all four tests). And maybe it was just me, but the vials seemed huge and never ending. Luckily Matt was there for moral support, so I put on a brave face to impress him. :)
Seriously though, all of the awkward and painful stuff was nothing even hearing the baby's heartbeat, which was incredible. It only took her a second to find and I was so excited I couldn't stop giggling... it took a long time for me to sit still enough to get a clear reading of it. Baby hearts beat so fast! And thank God there was only one heartbeat and not THREE like Dave had me worrying about.
We were all set to leave after that, but somebody had canceled their ultrasound appointment so they squeezed us in at the last minute. Women have complained to me about ultrasounds before and I seriously don't get it. This was the coolest thing I have ever done in my life. If I could be getting an ultrasound right now I would be. If I could buy an ultrasound MACHINE and set it up in my living room and look at my baby all day I would do it. It was just that cool.
We only brought home a couple of pictures, but we got to see a lot more in the doctor's office. We saw both hands and feet, the legs, the tummy, the tiny bladder, the skull, the umbilical cord (they even do this thing where they can show you the blood pumping through the umbilical cord to the baby-- that is way cool) and then they zoom out and show you how big it is in comparison to the rest of you, and it is TINY.

I don't think I can really accurately describe how amazing it is to see or hear your child for the first time. I was prepared for it, and had been told by everyone how great it would be, but it still brought up new feelings for me. I'm not sure if I could put them into words, but I'll try. I newly reconsidered, and for the first time really understood, the concept that I am sharing my body and that the things I do affect my baby-- what I eat, drink, and how I exercise. It is easy, especially as early as I am and with all the crazy symptoms I have been experiencing, to get caught up in how I feel and how all this is affecting me. This was the first time I truly got beyond myself a bit. Another thing that was weird is that seeing your baby up on an ultrasound screen, or hearing their little heartbeat, is really your first reassurance that they're in there. And it connects you with them. And then I went home and was looking at the ultrasound pictures, and thinking how ironic that my baby has been here all along, and is closer than the picture I am holding in my hand, and yet this is the first time I really feel close to him or her. And even though he or she is right here with me all of the time I still feel like they are so far away because I can't see or hear or feel them.
I don't know how to describe it, I know all the other moms will read this and get what I am saying, and maybe the dads too, but it is an incredible feeling.

Anyway, I really have to start getting ready for work now or I'm going to be late.

additionally,

I have been engrossed in Anna Karenina for about a month now (the upside of reading a 750+ page book is that it lasts a long time) and I am not only loving it, but wishing everyone else in the world was reading it too, so we could all discuss the excellence. Tolstoy is an incredible writer. He writes about the experiences common to man-- love, marriage, death, birth, work, family, art-- in a way that is so descriptive that you feel almost as though he is looking into your brain and writing the things you have felt and dreamed. Then there is the beautiful realization that we all hold these things in common, and your eyes are opened to the fact that what you thought was uniquely your own has been shared throughout time, cultural boundaries, and even gender.
The characters, too, are woven together quite seamlessly, and even though I don't approve of some of their choices, I can't help but like them and be interested in their stories. There is no villian, just a lot of broken and complex people, and he takes the time to develop them well. It's fascinating.
This is the second Russian novel I have read (the other being Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment) and it's not difficult to see why these authors were so highly praised... they seem to take more interest in the smallest details than any other author I have had the pleasure of reading. I have already put The Brothers Karamazov and War and Peace on my to-read list.
It can be hard to find a good book, and I really love fine literature, it makes my brain come alive and makes me want to write essays and dissertations.
I know, I'm a nerd.
Has anyone else out there read this book?

some more thoughts about babies... which is all I blog about now

I'm sure nobody in the world finds this information as fascinating as I do, not even Matt, but every Monday I have been reading about the growth of my little baby. This week happens to be the final week of my first trimester, which I am thrilled about for a whole host of reasons. I've been feeling a little bit better, (or perhaps I've just had a better attitude about feeling nauseous, I'm not sure) a lot of the dangers have passed, I should be getting my energy back, and we're going to the doctor this week! So there is a lot to be excited about.
Anyway, by now my baby has hair follicles and ears, he/she is legitimately a boy or girl (even though we can't tell which one yet), and is the size of a plum (which seems pretty huge after measuring in olives and raspberries for the past two months).

One thing I have been really thankful for lately is that I have noticed my attitude has changed a bit toward the world, toward pregnancy and toward parenting. I tend to be anxious, or I have been in recent years. I'm not sure if this worrying is a personality trait of mine or if it was a response to the extreme stress I went through in the past four or five years. But, it was significant enough to color some of the decisions I made. In fact, one of my main reasons for being so opposed to having children was the fears I had about how my children would grow up. Would they be born healthy, would I raise them right, would they have emotional troubles like I have experienced with my family? I have watched my parents go through a great deal of suffering on my and my siblings' behalf and I have never been envious to repeat that myself. I have worried about every possible thing a parent could worry about- kidnapping, drugs, SIDS, birth defects, mental illness, you name it. This was all happening before we were even pregnant, and put weight on my decision to never have kids, or at least prevent having them as long as I possibly could. Which turned out to be about four months.
Anyway, what I have noticed over the past couple of months is that I have been more at ease about this than about many of the things that have happened in the past several years of my life. There are so many things to be worried about, and yet, for the most part, I have not been worried. I am very thankful for that, because if I were to follow my usual pattern in this, I would probably be constantly beside myself. I have a very strong sense of God's control of this situation (something I have rarely been aware of in the past) and I believe that all will go well for us. I think we will have a healthy baby, and I know that we will be both be good parents.
That's not to say I am not occasionally overwhelmed, I'm just saying that in general, I feel confident about the future.

some names I have crossed off my list

I have always liked having an "original" name... not a lot of people in the states have the name Ciara, or, if they do, they don't spell it and/or pronounce it the same way. I like feeling unique and even though I know there are more people with the same name out there, I don't run into them often and that makes me feel good. Which is why I want to give my kid a name just unique enough that they won't be sitting in class with 4 other kids of the same name.
That being said, I am working by process of elimination, and have decided not to name him/her any of the following, because they are the most popular baby names of 2007:

For boys:
Jacob
Michael
Ethan
Joshua
Daniel
Christopher
Anthony
William
Matthew
Andrew

For girls:
Emily
Isabella
Emma
Ava
Madison
Sophia
Olivia
Abigail
Hannah
Elizabeth

I have to admit I am a little surprised at some of the names that are in the top ten... Ava and Madison? I had thought those were a little more rare.

and then i woke up

I just had a dream that Matt and I went to Disney World, and I rode on all the roller coasters because I wasn't pregnant (or maybe I just didn't care-- I don't know). And I had a martini and ate like twelve cupcakes, all of which were free.

babies are spendy!

So I have been doing a bit of research on my insurance coverage and I have to say I am finding it less than satisfactory. Of course when I enrolled I chose the cheapest health care because I am young and healthy... well, that backfired.
A coworker told me that her brother and sister-in-law just finished paying off their medical bills from their baby (he is now two). That freaked me out a little. I'm pretty sure Matt and I will be able to pay cash for our little one... (that makes it sound like we are buying the thing on ebay) but that all just depends. I mean, that's assuming a totally healthy pregnancy and no C-section and all that. (Which I am assuming, if not for financial reasons, then for the sake of my sanity.)
I am just trying to keep my chin up and not get too depressed about any one thing. I know babies are a blessing, and I really do feel that way, but there are a lot of bumps in the road ahead and if I choose to think about them all at once it can get quite overwhelming.
On a happier note, Matt and I get to go to the doctor next week for the first time and I am really hoping that we get to hear (or see) our baby's heartbeat! As of this week the little guy (or girl-- it already knows even though we don't) has elbows and the beginnings of knees, ankles, and teeny baby teeth.

And now for something completely different... Matt and I got to go to the Blazers game last night and even though I am not a fan of basketball I totally loved it! It's been a while since I have been to a sporting event and I'd forgotten how fun it is to cheer for your team. Plus, it was just a cool game to watch; it was close until the very end and we ended up winning by only one point in the last 30 seconds. Yay Portland!

So it starts...

Well, so much for my big accomplishment of last year (losing 25-30lbs). I can already feel myself getting bigger. Unfortunately for me, I carry weight in my tummy anyway, so I didn't need to add very much to get a visible bump. It sucks.
I already hit the jeans-won't-button mark and you can't even imagine how many tears have been shed over that fiasco. I did what every good weight watchers member would do and got rid of all my "fat" clothes when I lost weight, so I have very few things that fit/look good (I bought a lot of figure hugging clothes which are no longer fun to look at).
I am finding it very difficult to emotionally surrender to the changes taking place in my body. I remember talking to pregnant friends and thinking it was silly for them to complain about being "fat"... I mean, they were pregnant, and looked pregnant; it doesn't look the same as if you spent the last couple months overeating. But now that it's me, I feel pretty depressed about the whole deal. One friend I have likes to point out my "baby bump" and keeps asking me if I'm showing because, according to her, it looks like I'm showing. I love this friend dearly, but part of me wants to still be friends with her when she gets prego so I can be the first to tell her how fat she looks. I mean, really, how oblivious can you be? There is no other time in life when it's okay to point out someone else's fat tummy but now that you're prego it's okay to comment on the size and the shape? Plus, what do I say because at this point it probably really isn't baby... it's more all the cheese and salty things baby makes me eat. Anyway, it's frustrating and I know it's inevitable and I know everyone means well but I really don't want to gain back the 30+ pounds I just lost. Especially not this soon.
My mom and sister and I went shopping last night for some clothes to wear in the meantime (since I am not big enough for maternity clothes yet). I figured I will need some bigger clothes when I am in the process of losing weight next year. Plus, one of Matt's friends who recently had a baby showed me these cool things called belly bands that keep your pants up if they are too big/small and unbuttoned. So I got a couple of those to help me transition.

And now onto another topic entirely... I didn't know how to make resolutions this year. I'm sure if I were to look at my resolutions from last year they would all be totally irrelevant. At this time last year I was not even engaged. Well, this year I have even less of an idea of where life is headed and the common ones (lose weight, get a new job or go back to school, etc) don't really apply. So I made two resolutions, and these are them: 1) to pray for my husband and baby every day and 2)to read to my baby in utero. For now that is all I can think of.

Grammar nerds Unite!

My friend Matt (not to be confused with my husband) bought me a book called Eats, Shoots & Leaves for Christmas... and since I know there are a few grammar nerds out there who would appreciate this book, I'm posting part of introduction to intrigue you:
Either this will ring bells for you, or it won't. A printed banner has appeared on the concourse of a petrol station near where I live. 'Come inside,' it says, 'for CD's, VIDEO's, DVD's, and BOOK's.'
If this satanic sprinkling of redundant apostrophes causes no little gasp of horror or quickening of the pulse, you should probably put down this book at once....For any true stickler, you see, the sight of the plural word "Book's" with an apostrophe in it will trigger a ghastly private emotional process similar to the stages of bereavement, though greatly accelerated. First there is shock. Within seconds, shock gives way to disbelief, disbelief to pain, and pain to anger. Finally (and this is where the analogy breaks down), anger gives way to a righteous urge to perpetrate an act of criminal damage with the aid of a permanent marker.

I will loan this book out when I have finished, Ashby, if you are interested. ;)

I had to post this too, just because it made me laugh:

Well, here we go!

So now that the cat's out of the bag I suppose I am free to blog about my current condition to my heart's content... which is nice, since I have wanted to several times in the past month.
Morning sickness and fatigue have so far left me simultaneously excited and miserable. I am thankful for these symptoms because so far they're the only physical proof I have that my baby is really in there. From what I understand it's common to feel doubtful about your pregnancy or fearful of miscarriage. I have felt both, and even over the past few days I've wondered if this was all somehow a huge mistake (although I don't see how that could be possible). So it is, in a way, comforting to at least feel pregnant.
The miserable part, I'm sure, explains itself. Let's just say I would not wish this on anyone... I am nauseous from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep and can barely stumble through my work day and make it home without falling asleep at the wheel. At first I thought the fatigue was mostly due in part to quitting caffeine cold turkey (also the headaches-- alas, those are here to stay as well). But it has persisted too, slightly lessened, for the past four weeks and will probably continue for the next four.
Luckily I got some good tips from other mommies on how to handle my "morning" sickness, and reassurance that forcing chicken down my throat when I really don't want it isn't going to be good for anyone.
It's pretty crazy, this is not at all what we planned and certainly has been difficult to adjust to (at times I still feel really overwhelmed, not so much by the prospect of having a baby, but more at the lifetime of parenthood suddenly stretched out before me--if that makes sense) but the fact is it's hard not to be excited when you realize there's a little baby in there waiting to come out. I think I have adapted a little easier to the situation than Matt has, simply because I already feel like a mom and already wish I could meet my baby.
We have about 12 weeks to go until we can find out the sex-- which we are going to do-- and until our baby will develop ears and be able to hear us talking and recognize our voices. I can't wait for those milestones, or the first kick, or the first time I see the heartbeat! I mostly just want reassurance that he or she is really in there and doing just fine.
Anyway, that is all for now, I am sure I will have plenty more blogs to come.

Today I came home from work all tired and grumpy and feeling sick and guess what? my house was all clean (I left it messy) and all my dirty laundry was washed, dried, and folded neatly in the laundry basket AND NOT ONLY THAT, but my socks were folded the way I like them folded (we have a dispute about the best method for sock folding in our house). So that was a pretty awesome surprise. And now I have two hours to relax by myself in my perfectly clean and quiet house.... yay.

good call ashby.
:)

I have an incredible husband.
I am so thankful and proud.

I have decided I need to blog more. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I enjoy writing and consider myself to be a decent writer, and looking back over my 500+ posts, there are some things that are interesting to go back and read. And I want to have those going forward.

Update on producing

Today I'm reading a book about producing, and tomorrow I am meeting with the Sheridan Street team to look at their stuff and see how I mesh with the other creative partners. I'm kind of hoping this works out because I'm getting excited about it now!

Well, here I sit breathing in paint fumes and listening to the sounds of Matt cooking in the kitchen. We just demo'ed the office closet to make way for the new trim we'll be putting in (including brand new closet doors! yay!). We're also building a custom closet thingy for our office to store all of the many, many things we have crammed into the nooks and crannies of this place. Right now there is junk spread all over our office and living room waiting for a place to go. It's going to be a while until we can put them all back in their place... this might annoy me.
But... it is exciting to be remodeling again. The office is our first step since it's one of the smallest, simplest and least visible rooms in the house. It's also supposed to double as a guest room and in its current state it's under prepared. So I'm glad we've finally found some time to work on it.

In other news, I had fun last night with the girls but I learned two valuable lessons. One, wearing a wedding ring is not as obvious a deterrent as you'd think (so many people don't even think to check). And two, I cannot stomach Guinness. I've had it on two separate occasions now and both times was sick afterward. I know I wasn't overdoing it so I've concluded it must be something about that particular beer that my body just doesn't go for. Which is sad because I like the taste.

Anyway, I'm being called to dinner...

Ladies night

Tonight I'm going to Kell's with a few of the ladies I work with. I'm really excited! It'll be my first time at a bar and also my first time going out with a group of girls since before my wedding... most of my close friends live far away and getting together is either really difficult or impossible. When friends do come to visit we usually do things as couples so apart from the occasional outing with my sister(s) or mother(s) I don't get out much on my own.
Also, I am really thankful for some of the friends I've made at my new store. Two of them in particular, Amanda and Kenny (who I mentioned in my last post). Amanda is recently married (3 months ago I think), similar in age, and a believer, and we've really hit it off working together. So it's going to be lots of fun hanging out with her and the other girls tonight.
I've decided it is invaluable for newlyweds to have other newlyweds to share their lives with. It's been a comfort to me to have Amanda to talk to. Sometimes it is funny how as young marrieds we all go through the same things... I mean literally, I think almost every couple fights about the dirty dishes and the laundry. So it's always relieving when you voice something and realize you're not alone. Even though I think on some level we already know that's we're not the only ones, it's still nice to be reminded every once in a while.

On another unrelated note... I simultaneously love and hate birth control. There are the obvious reasons why I love it but the fact is that it has killed my skin. I have never had a problem with acne but for the past few months it has been a constant battle. I know that a lot of people are probably thinking I have nothing to complain about... I know that even my worst breakout can't compare to what a lot of people have to deal with. Even so, it is new for me and not something I enjoy. I've sunk a chunk of change into trying to find products that will clear my skin up but I'm starting to think it's just something I'll have to deal with as long as I'm on The Pill.
If anyone is reading this and has any suggestions, I'm all ears. I'm using clinique right now but I'm thinking of switching to their acne line because the regular stuff just isn't doing it for me. Of course this revelation comes after the $40+ purchase... ugh.

An interesting opportunity...

So I had an interesting proposal from a coworker the other day. He went to Fox with Matt, majored in Film, and owns his own production company (check out the website here). It's not a money maker at this point, which you can probably guess from the fact that Kenny works a second job and also from a glance around their website.
Anyway, I've enjoyed having someone to talk film with, something I've missed since leaving school. It definitely makes me wish I was back taking classes... but all in good time.
In the meantime, Kenny has mentioned he'd like me to help produce a couple of their upcoming shorts. Producing is really a pretty good gig... you're basically the organizer of everything... schedules, festivals, talent, locations, promotion, budgets. It's definitely well within my skill set so I'm thinking about whether I want to get on board or not. Could be fun... and I don't really have much to lose. Except time.

Oh man

I hit my head pretty good on the trunk of my car Sunday afternoon. So good in fact that I wasn't able to work on Monday or today. I slept all night Sunday night, almost all day yesterday and until 11 this morning and I am finally feeling a BIT better.
I still have a pretty nasty headache but I'm thinking a bit more clearly today and I'll probably be back at work tomorrow.
Still feeling a bit groggy, but hopefully that will wear off.

Real Simple is the best magazine ever

My coworker Amanda turned me on to this magazine recently and I freaking love it. It's like someone just handed me a life manual.
It has tips on everything from how to organize your kitchen to how to throw a party to how to get over illnesses. I even learned how to extend the life of a bouquet of flowers (a cube of sugar and a penny, store it in the fridge overnight). It's like every good tip that your mom would ever tell you all pulled together in one amazing package.
It's just nice, because being a new wife and homeowner can have its stresses. I have some high ideals. I'd love to be the wife who can pull together a gourmet dinner like it's nothing or set a table like a Crate and Barrel catalog. If I'm being totally honest... I have to admit that Martha Stewart is one of my heroes, and if I could emulate her (except for the jail part) I would be thrilled.
Anyway... I'm not really sure how to word it, but there it is. I just really enjoy my domestic pursuits. And yet there are the occasional phone calls to my mom to ask her what I can substitute for rice wine or how to make roman shades or whatever. And now I have a publication to answer ALL OF MY QUESTIONS ABOUT EVERYTHING.
So, in short, Real Simple is amazing. Seriously. And I know I've lost what remaining audience I have by this point in my post (probably my mother-in-law and possibly my husband) but there you have it. I just love how practical it is.
I love it so much I am posting about it well past midnight when I should be sleeping...

Kristin, I hope you read this at some point, because I know YOU share the love.

Goodbye Porter

On Monday my parents finally put down our dog, Porter. He was 16 years old, blind and deaf and couldn't really move very well, but I went and saw him on Sunday and he still seemed pretty happy.
I knew that this was going to happen, and I haven't really grown up with the same feelings for my pets as some other families have (like the Hartzells-- they really cherish their pets; this is something kind of new to me). However I did shed a few tears before and after saying goodbye to Porter.
The thing that makes me the most sad is not that he had to go, because everyone and everything will die some day. But my parents dropped him off at the vet and left. I think it would have been kind of nice to be with him since he was probably scared and alone.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

I'm gonna tarantino it...

Today I:
1) cut open my left hand thumb with a box cutter (ouch)
2) got a performance review at work (doing good)
3) got a raise because of my performance review (I don't know how much)
4) welcomed my friend (alaina) back from idaho
5) didn't go grocery shopping

Yesterday I:
1) had to call my boss to let me into the store at 4 am
2) was reviewed (surprise!) and then complimented by our district manager for running the "perfect shift" (she didn't know about the 4 am part I guess)
3) started an intense bible study that I plan to finish in april or may
4) was inspired and brought to tears by the facts of this study
5) didn't go grocery shopping

On Monday I:
1) totally scorched the thumb of my right hand (if you are reading this far you will realize by now that I am totally thumb-crippled)
2) baked 4 completely different mini pizzas for dinner (pepperoni, taco, chicken bacon parmesan, four cheese)
3) left my keys inside the store to screw myself over the following morning
4) had my first ever taste of some kind of alcoholic tea beverage (gross)
5) went grocery shopping, but only one day's worth


I am desperately in need of groceries but I've learned over the past three(ish) months that I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING... and so does Matt.

Starbucks is just like high school.

If there is ever anything you don't want me to know about you, then don't tell anyone who works for Starbucks because
A) They are some of the most gossipy people on the planet and
B) They are everywhere, so your secrets will spread like wildfire.

I don't want to be a flake

Some recent events have really had me pondering some points of my character and thinking about how to change the things I'm not too fond of.
I am a very creative person, which is something I'm very proud of and, honestly, one of the things that brings joy to my life. I love to design and create things. I love learning new skills and I love being able to hold something in my hands and say to myself, "I made this."
My brain follows a million different projects at a time; I have barely written down an idea for one thing when I am already thinking about the next. It can get overwhelming at times.
The thing that bothers me about this, and I'm sure it is a common complaint among creative people, is that with so many ideas and plans, it is really difficult to be a man or woman of your word.
I really value stability and trustworthiness in others, but neither are traits I excel in myself. When I say I am going to do any given thing, I genuinely mean it and get excited about it, but mere months later I find myself struggling to follow through, if I follow through at all. Usually by then I have come up with a "better" or "more important" plan and justify my "moving on" from previous projects.
Anyway, in recent history I've begun to see the negative effect this can have on others, and I've started to think about how I can work on being more of a "do-er" than a "say-er". Life and plans change, and at my age and in this stage of life, I know I am naturally going to be less stable than others around me. But I would love to be the person who can be trusted to do what they say they will do. I would love to be described as punctual, reliable, and stable.
So I'm not really sure how to get there. I think sometimes it will require gritting my teeth and following through on something even though I'm ready to quit. I'm sure I'll learn to choose my words carefully when I commit to things or explain my visions. I know that I will need to pray a lot about where God wants me to spend my time, and surrender my plans to Him.
Anyway, my point is that I could use some prayer. I feel like this is a weak point in my character that has the potential to really harm my ministry, and I really want to work on it so that I am able to effectively serve the way God has intended.

Handywoman

Yesterday I took on my first home improvement project by myself... it was mostly successful, so I'm going to call it a win.
Since we have two bathrooms in our home we kind of have a "his" and "hers" thing going on. Both are pretty dated and we haven't done anything (except paint) to update them. The bathroom I use is also the most visible bathroom in the house, so it's kinda been on my mind that I'd like to do a little renovation in there, when we have the time and money.
Anyway, both bathrooms have these ugly glass shower doors. It's not that I hate the idea of shower doors, because if they had nice frosted glass or something a little more modern they might be okay. But they are hard to get clean and the kinds we had featured the 90's pebbled glass look, which I figure will not earn us any money when we try to sell our home. So I ripped them out in favor of a shower curtain. All by myself. And it looks pretty decent.
The only mistake was that in prying off part of the assembly I nicked the tub. This would have been a lot more disappointing if it was the first nick in our bathroom. But now it's just something I'll fix when I go to fix the sink that somehow got chipped also.
I'm hoping that when (if?) life settles down I'll be able to tackle more of these one-day projects. I already have several things on a list of improvements to do like: rip out the other shower doors (if Matt will let me in HIS bathroom), frame out the kitchen cabinets, and resurface the countertops.
But, alas, married life (or maybe summer, or maybe simply the aftermath of really withdrawing from society for several months to plan the wedding) has been busy. We have been out of town every weekend this summer, and this week (now that we are finally home) we have something going on almost every night of the week (wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday) and stuff we couldn't squeeze into this week already queued up for next week.
I'm sure all the moms (if any moms have time to read this) are rolling their eyes at me right now, but to me that is a lot of stuff going on and it's difficult to balance it all.

Wedding Photos

Mainly I'm posting this for the fam, but if anyone else is interested feel free to check em out:

http://kkstudioconnect.com/apps/customer/events.php?custID=81

Under user name put "zeus" and click login!

Final Cut Pro Editor

That was today's. The chances are really slim that I would ever land that job, although it would be awesome if I did, because it's pretty much my dream job.
Should I allow myself to hope?

One a day, every day

Today I applied for a position as a showroom assistant at a NW Portland firm. It's basically data entry/receptionist type stuff, but at least they are looking for someone with a creative streak.
This sounds a little more up my alley, so I'm hoping I get a call.

Today I sent out my first resume. It's for a receptionist at a financial advisory firm. I really want the job.

PR

Today I ran the farthest and fastest I have ever run in my entire life. Not that it was anything amazing- 3.66 miles. Still only about half of my goal. But I have now surpassed any past level of physical fitness. So that's a good feeling.

It's time for a new job

So here I am typing up my resume and wondering when I should tell my current boss (who doesn't handle employee turnover too well) that I want to quit.
It could be the hours. I've been working 4:00-12:30 4 or more days a week, which was fine when I was getting a good break here and there, but lately I'm lucky to get two days off in a row, and that is not cool with me. I have an assistant manager who constantly shows up 10-15 minutes late for every shift. He's stopped apologizing for this and I've stopped hoping this behavior would change if I brought it up to my manager. I learned very early on in my employ at this store that the manager and assistant manager have each others backs. I would find this admirable if not for the rumored reasoning behind it, which you can probably figure out for yourself.
One thing I have learned is that the best way to get along with people is to just accept criticism, and follow their correction. Even when I don't agree or am not responsible for something that has happened, I just take it. It's frustrating, because I sometimes get blamed for other peoples mistakes, but I find that trying to point that out never reflects back the way it should. So I am kind of stuck. Although I think the majority of the time I have earned the criticism that comes my way, so maybe that's not too important of an issue.
Anyway, the point of this post is: I am getting my stuff together and going to look for a new job. Not a retail job. One where I can sit at a desk and stare at a computer screen all day, and maybe have a boss like Michael Scott who I can make fun of on my luxurious weekend off.

Weight Watchers is the best thing ever

So today I went back to Weight Watchers for the first time in 3 weeks... and I have to say I actually missed it. For those of you who have talked to me about my whole weight loss journey you will know I am a huge WW fan now. There's really no substitute for a good diet and exercise, and I like how the resources help me to make healthy choices. I like the camaraderie too; hearing other peoples' stories is helpful and interesting and having a "weigh-in" every week keeps you motivated.

I lost about 30 pounds and I've kept it off about 6 weeks, which isn't a ton, but it's encouraging because it isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Plus I feel great. I wasn't able to exercise much before because of the general busyness of remodeling and planning a wedding. But I noticed when I went back to the gym that things I thought would be difficult were actually fairly easy. On our honeymoon I woke up early one day and ran three miles without having run in several months. So that was a really good feeling. Over the weekend, Matt and I went on a 7-mile hike with my parents and it was fun, not painful.
So my next goal is just to get more physically fit. Matt and I are trying to go to the gym every week day but it's difficult to stay motivated. So I think I am going to enter an event, since it always helps me to have a goal in mind. There's a 10k coming up (the Human Race- it's the Nike one), and I want to run it. It's the 31st of August and it's about 2x the length of what I can run now, so it should be a doable challenge.
So ask me how I am doing with this when you see me. And more importantly, if you want to run it with me, tell me. I'm trying to get Matt on board, but I don't know how that will pan out. I'll run it alone if I have to, but it sure would be nice to have some company...

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I spilled a cup of coffee on my skirt this morning (which is what I get for not wearing an apron) and I think it's been soaking in chemicals for about 30 minutes now, which is probably worse for the fabric than the original spill.

I have the best husband ever

Yesterday I had to work late and when I came home not only was dinner waiting for me but Matt had bought me a video game he knew I wanted.

But even normal day-to-day married life is awesome. I know I am probably more optimistic than most since I've been married less than two weeks, but I like the simplicity after all the months of busy-ness and stress. We have so much less to coordinate. Not just big things, but little things too, like who's driving to who's house or where we're eating or whether or not we have time to run errands or pursue our individual hobbies. These things may sound stupid, but they have really simplified my life.
Not to mention the fact that I now live with one other person (and one small cat) instead of four other people (and two large dogs). Which means the house is always quiet (unless Matt is playing videogames) and if I clean something, it's still clean when I get home from work (no offense Owens, if you're reading this).

So, not to say that married life is perfect, because that would be unrealistic, but it is pretty cool. I've heard some brides get post-wedding blues, and I kind of understand how that could happen, but not me. I think married life is the best possible reward for enduring wedding planning.

when you have a bad day

Today was just not great. It started off that way, but now I am tired, frustrated, and my back hurts.

I came home from an (emotionally) exhausting day of work to roughly 50 unchecked emails, many of which were disappointing (the video guy who was going to tape our wedding just fell through and i have no back up plan and no time to fix it... stuff like that).

I really want to elaborate on all this, but alas, my own better judgment restricts me. It also, regrettably, restricts me from drowning my sorrows in a huge bowl of ice cream.

On the up side, tonight I get to pick up my wedding dress, and tomorrow I get to take the day off work and go to a spa in gresham to get my hair and makeup done (it's a trial run for the big day). So that stuff will be nice, and hopefully relaxing.