Les Resolutions!

I know a lot of people think resolutions are lame, but I love them, and I write them every year. Sometimes they are too ambitious for me to complete, and this year I am having a hard time thinking forward an entire year. What will life be like next January? I will have a 17-month-old. I don't know much about 17-month-olds, but I'm guessing they are a lot more work than 5-month-olds. So this year will probably be another year consumed with all things baby. And this time I think I am okay with that.

I have one goal for Kisa over the next few months, and that is to stop sleeping with mommy and daddy. We have been (at least partially) co-sleeping with her since she was a few days old. It started out being something that was genuinely enjoyable for all of us, but as she has gotten bigger (and louder... and more wiggly) it has become less so. I think at this point we are all ready for her to "move out", and I am excited about putting her in her own room, even though I know it will be a tough transition.

My personal goal is to be more open and honest, and it has been inspired by Facebook. Let me explain: over the past few months or so I have been pondering the benefits of social networking tools like Facebook and blogs. They allow me to communicate with all kinds of people: old high school friends, family members around the globe, coworkers, fellow Ethnosians, etc. What I post on my FB page goes out to ALL these people. As such, it eliminates my ability to be different around each group. This, I think, has been a bit of a wake-up call for me, because the truth is that I sometimes am different with different people. Do I want my conservative aunt to see what I would say to my friends (with whom I am often less conservative than I would like)? Would I want my friends to see the things I post about what I believe, or am I too afraid of offending them?

As a result, I have started to really think intentionally about the way that I present myself and whether or not it is an accurate representation of me. Sometimes that means choosing not to say the things I know I really shoudln't be saying, and sometimes that means saying what I want to say, even though I know some people will be offended by it. I want to be someone who is real and honest with people. Even if the majority of people turn out not to like the person that I am-- I at least want them to know who I am. I'm sure I've said things that offend my conservative family members from time to time (and I know for a fact I have shocked my liberal friends). But it has been because I am communicating who I am and what I believe.

So this resolution is partly about becoming a person who is marked by openness and honesty (even with the ugly things) and partly about becoming a person who genuinely feels like they have nothing to hide. If that makes sense.

Finally, I have a resolution for my marriage and spiritual growth. Matt is going to read through the Bible again this year, and I am going to join him on the same reading schedule. Hopefully this will be a good encouragement for both of us. He is generally quite a bit more disciplined than I am, so I hope it will be a help for me having him checking up with me and discuss things with. I love learning and talking about the things I learn, so I really can't think of anything more fun than reading through the Bible with my husband. He is so full of insights.

Anyway, I have to stop writing now because I have to check my blog stats. Matt is claiming he has written more blogs in a four-year-period than I have. I do not think this is the case... but I have to check.

Merry Christmas, Kisa!

When we were over at the Hartzells' on Friday they dug Matt and Ashley's old toy box out of the garage and gave it to us. We gratefully accepted (because when don't we accept free things?) but decided we'd like to make some changes so it would fit better with her decor. So here are the "before" photos:



Step one was to disassemble the whole thing and paint it white and green to match the other furniture in her room.


I found some awesome green and white polka dot fur at the fabric store, and I lined the inside of the toy box with the fabric so her toys won't break when she chucks 'em in there.



I liked the checkerboard from the original design, so I lined the top of the box with felt and painted a new checkerboard on the inside with some green fabric paint:



I also painted over the old patterns on the top and side with my own murals to match her room. One side already had a green chalkboard, which I left because it's cool (and it already matches). Soooooo here's he finished product (after 12 or so hours of work):






We are spending this week remodeling and redecorating Kisa's room (Matt is remodeling and I am redecorating) in preparation for the Big Move (aka when she starts sleeping in a crib and not in our room/bed). Today I did this and Matt hung custom shelving in her closet, replaced her old light fixture with a new ceiling fan, and shampooed the carpet. Tomorrow we are buying a crib and installing blinds. I've got a few other projects I'd like to tackle, but we are well on our way to our first completely remodeled room in this condo!

Thanks Russ and Vicki for the toy box! Kisa will now have furniture in her room from my childhood as well as Matt's, which I think is pretty cool.

I don't really remember last Christmas that well (what with the morning sickness and general exhaustion/terror) but this one was both enjoyable and memorable. Our first Christmas as a family unit. And I will say this: having a baby around certainly makes the holiday a little more exciting. I know she's not old enough to open gifts or enjoy traditions, but this year we thought a little more intentionally about the things we'd like to do as a family in the coming years.

We started a few new traditions that I'm excited about. We baked cookies together, and we set up a Christmas tree and decorated our house as a family. In the future, we'd like to cut down our own tree, and next year we'll probably drive around and see some Christmas lights.

Christmas eve was spent with my family, and they started some new traditions of their own. We set a $10 gift limit, which was pretty fun. It's amazing the stuff you can get for $10. Or make for $10 worth of materials. We traded in our traditional Christmas eve dinner for a pasta dish that we cooked together as a family- right down to the pasta noodles! And all of us, as a family, donated some gifts through the World Vision catalog. I'm looking forward to seeing how that last tradition grows. I think when Kisa gets a bit older I'm going to have her save money for it all throughout the year, and then she will probably have tons of fun picking out the gifts to send (they are things like goats and sheep).

Matt and I started our own tradition on Christmas Eve, too: new pajamas for everyone right before bedtime, and then we all cuddled up on the couch and watched Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

Christmas day was the usual stockings and presents, and then we went to visit the Hartzells. Lots of fun and presents for everyone- especially Kisa! I'm excited for the baby toys we got. It's so fun to see her growing and beginning to really play for the first time.... she is going to be a little explorer. Once she can get over how awesome her toes are, I'm sure she will really love all the new toys! ;)

I could probably write more but, to be honest, I was writing this to kill time while I waited for my new video game to install on my computer. And it's done. So time for some gaming.

Merry Christmas!

My favorite Christmas song

I’m here with the others
Who saw the heavens testify
Now I hang back in the shadows
I want to come close
I want to know
She sees me shivering here
She smiles and with a nod
I walk through the mud and straw
To the newborn Son of God

Come, let us adore Him
He has come down to this barren land
Where we live
And all I have to give Him
Is adoration

He raises a wrinkled hand
Through the dust and the flies
Wrapped in rags like we are
And with barely open eyes
He takes my finger
And He won’t let go
And He won’t let go
It’s nothing like I knew before
And it’s all I need to know

Come, let us adore Him
He has come down to the world we live in
And all I have to give Him
Is adoration

God is with us here
Our Immanuel
God is with us here
Our Immanuel

O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
Jesus, our Immanuel
Is with us here and He won’t let go

I am continually humbled by the picture of our Savior as an infant... maybe even more so since this year I have experienced motherhood. This song is about a baby, but it is also about our powerful Redeemer... and I think it does a really good job of capturing both. The second verse brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, or even think about it... what a great God we have!

Regarding Marriage

I am of the opinion that if you solve the problems in the marriages in your church and create really great successful marriages you will not be able to build a church big enough to hold all the people that want to come and have their marriages healed.

Matt and I subscribe to the daily generous wife and husband blogs. It's a great resource for other married couples out there. Or at least I think it is. Basically they email you a tip every day about how to be a better husband or wife. Even if the tips aren't always relevant to you personally, I like the reminder every morning to be thinking about Matt and how I can bless him that day.

Anyway, I also usually read the husbands' blog too, because I find it to be an interesting window into how men view marriage and their wives, and it also reiterates to me how different we (men and women) are from each other. For example, I'd bet most, if not all, of the wives read the husband blog just like I do. I wonder how many husbands read the wife blog? My guess is not too many. :)

I digress. Today I was reading a conversation on this blog about how one man felt the church had failed him, and his marriage, by failing to teach about Godly marriage and sex. I think this is probably a pretty common experience- that the church might see, but will perhaps not address, marital issues. After all, who has the right to "butt in" to someones marriage and offer advice or instruction?

Personally I think that our marriages, like every other piece of our lives, should be open to instruction and guidance. Matt and I set out to be open and honest about our relationship with others. So far that has been easy, because the vast majority of the past year and a half has been amazing. I hope we can continue to be open when things are harder for us.

I love my husband. He is a great man, one whom I deeply respect, and I want the best things for him. I also love marriage, and not only because I love Matt. It is really a phenomenal gift we have been given, to create the picture of God's love for us on earth. We live in a culture where marriage is seriously devalued, and I never want my own relationship to exemplify that, but rather to be a picture of what God intended it to be. When Matt and I fall short of that mark, I would hope that our brothers and sisters in Christ would guide and exhort us.

I liked the quote at the top of this page because I think I agree with this man. I don't know what it is like to be unhappily married but I DO know what it's like to be happily married, and it is something worth cherishing and protecting.

Anyway... kind of a rambly post but I've got relationships on the brain today. :)

My new baby is coming home today

You know you're a grown-up when the most exciting part of your day (well, maybe your week) is getting a refrigerator delivered to your house. And you catch yourself daydreaming about it's shiny exterior, well-organized (and lit) interior, and the fact that it doesn't secretly leak water into your floorboards. Or freeze everything on the top shelf and thaw everything on the bottom shelf.

I am seriously so excited about this fridge.

Of all the wonderful things man has created for our enjoyment and consumption, does anything really compare to a fresh pear and a hard-boiled egg? I would submit to you that it does not.

I do enjoy the occasional (okay, daily) tablespoon of nutella, but still... God's simplest gifts are often the best.

I like the way I feel when I know I am eating well. I feel proud, healthy, energetic, and confident.

I have decided that the pleasure I get from tasting most of the junk foods that I like does not, generally speaking, outweigh the pleasure I get from being in control of my cravings, eating healthy foods and feeling good about the way my body looks. When I was previously overweight I was somewhat insecure about my figure, and just generally less comfortable-- clothes did not fit or feel that great, plus there are all kinds of medical things that spring up with even just ten extra pounds on your body.

Since I am again in the position of needing to lose some weight (thanks to baby Kisa and my crazy freaking thyroid... and, yes, my poor diet/exercise choices) I am reminded of how good it feels to be a healthy weight and composition.

This is all in response to my renewed diet plan, which I started up again today. I slipped off track for a while there, but I'm gonna do this, because I forgot HOW important it is for me to be feeling good about myself.

Matt is also partially joining me in this, against his will, since I am the primary cook in our house and therefore he eats what I cook him. :)

Here is my personal goal: that someday, when I pass off this job as Ethnos administrator, the person who comes after me will never have to say that the person who worked the job before them didn't quite know exactly what they were doing.

They will have an easily maintained organizational system, they will know precisely what the job entails, and they will be trained. And they will have a manual to refer to in the event that they have a question.

I say none of this to "rip on" anyone who has worked this job before me, because I think it is a difficult job if you only do it for a few months (which is what most of them did) or if you are not trained properly (which none of us were). But I think we can do better.

oh, memories

This date last year was the day we found out we were pregnant (and about 4 weeks in).

I came home from work (I had to work the closing shift, so it was about 11) pregnancy test in hand. I had already told Matt about my suspicions earlier that day so he was waiting for me. When we saw those two little strips we (or maybe just me... I don't remember) dropped about a million F-bombs and I cried inconsolably for at least a half an hour, maybe longer.

Haha. I am counting on sleeping better tonight than I did this night last year! :)

I'm praying for a smooth and relaxing day today.

Last night Kisa had a pretty intense bout of crying right before bedtime. I have had a cold since Saturday night that started with a really raw sore throat, so I sent Matt to the store at 10 pm to buy baby tylenol (in case she had caught my germs). Turns out that wasn't it, but I am glad I have it on hand anyway because I think we're getting pretty close to teething time.

She was an absolute angel the rest of the day, though, and I didn't really get a chance to enjoy it because I was working so hard. So I'm hoping she is happy again today and that I will have less to do so I can have a chance to hang out with her and recover. Pretty much my ideal day today would consist of cuddling with her and watching america's next top model reruns. And eating oatmeal.

So I had a revelation tonight as we were watching The Wrestler (which is a good movie by the way): it is ok for parents to not be perfect and to not have the answers all of the time because they are just people. After all, I am a parent and popping out a kid sure didn't make me perfect (although it did make me a little more mature). It seems obvious and simple, yet I realize how much I have expected of my parents (and other parents I have known). Now that I am a parent myself, I hope that my kid will be gracious and merciful when, inevitably, I am selfish and weak.

In other news, for any readers out there in the Real Simple club: they are selling one-year subscriptions on amazon for $5. That was not a typo, it's really $5. So go buy it.

I have discovered a new parenting trick. This is how it works: sit your baby in front of the tv, and then proceed with other household tasks.

Yes, I realize I will not be winning any parenting awards anytime soon. ;)

Mr. Fix-it

The other day I did something I never thought I would do, which was to write a honey-do list. Now that I spend so much time at home doing housewife-y things, the little annoyances around my house have turned into huge issues. The loose faucet in our kitchen aggravated me to no end. The doors to our laundry space didn't shut properly, and now that I open and close them several times a day (at least), it was driving me crazy. So I put together a list of my five most important small projects and handed it to Matt.

Now, I didn't mean that I expected him to do every single one of them immediately, but rather that when we find time to improve our house, these were my top priorities.

However, my super handy and helpful husband (yes, I meant to alliterate) did four out of five things within the next two hours. Including replacing our kitchen lightbulb, fixing the laundry room doors, repairing our busted toilet handle, and- yes!- tightening up our kitchen faucet. It probably would have been a lot easier if the toilet hadn't overflowed on him mid-fix, and if I hadn't broken the garbage disposal and flooded our kitchen with dirty cabbage water immediately after he was done (oops). He fixed that too.

So, it pretty much goes without saying that my husband is awesome, but I'll say it anyway.

So, this weekend Matt and I got to visit my friends Jon and Kristin who live up in the Seattle area. It was a long overdue trip, and it was just nice to get away for the weekend and have fun.

While we were up there we had the opportunity to visit their church, Eastlake. It's got a huge congregation (I think they said somewhere around 4-5k) and a big building, complete with parking attendants and even a cop to direct/supervise the traffic in and out of the area on Sundays. I believe they have three Sunday services. The one that we went to was certainly packed, I'm sure the others probably are, too.

It reminded me of the "glory days" of BCC-- where we'd park up at the middle school and ride the shuttle to the sanctuary to allow more room for visitors. I remember weaving in and out of the lobby, packed full of adults, trying to find my parents to get them home for lunch. (One of my biggest frustrations as a kid was how LONG it took to leave church after it was over. We used to joke that my mom and dad could only make it about 5 feet before they'd get sucked into another conversation. I felt like we were always some of the last people to leave.)

Anyway, it got me thinking. Eastlake was started on the same timeline as Ethnos, yet they now have 4,000 members and we have 40. What makes one church succeed and another struggle? I could point to a lot of differences between the two, but the core actually seemed the same. The entire sermon was about valuing each others experiences and connecting, openly and honestly, with those around us. You could tell that what people valued most at Eastlake, and at Ethnos, was the community they were a part of. Both places feel like a place you can be honest and be loved for who you are.

So. What is it? I love Ethnos, the people and the values we have set in front of us. I believe in these things, and that is why Matt and I have stuck by these people throughout the past several years. But, it is sad to see us held back, and I'm not confident that I know the reason why. This Friday Eastlake is having a baptism service/celebration. A whole service just for all the baptisms! It has been more than a year since we have had a baptism at Ethnos. I want us to be growing and having an impact on the community around us.

Anyway, I am thinking about that today.

I had such a productive day today. I cleaned my entire house (meaning I comet-ed the toilet bowls and mopped the floor and the whole shebang. I have found that keeping my house clean is a lot harder now that I have a baby. It is still tidy almost all of the time, although I know that is going to change. But finding the time and energy to actually CLEAN is a whole other story) I got a haircut, I cooked dinner, I worked on Rezdex (sidenote-- GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK TODAY! YAY!), I did like 4 loads of laundry, I ran errands for myself and for Matt, and Kisa and I hung out and had quality time.

I feel soooooo much better already, it is unbelievable.

:)

2 good things

Yay! This evening a man from the doctor's office called me (a full day earlier than expected) to give me the result of my TSH test. So it's true, I have somehow developed the thyroid issues of a woman more than twice my age. However at this point I really do not care, I am just glad that I will hopefully be feeling better soon!

Originally the doctor had said I would have to wait until next week to get any medication (after meeting with my PCP) but she just went ahead and ordered me up a prescription so I can get started as quickly as possible. I assume this was probably because of just how low my TSH levels actually were. I mean really, it is just ridiculous that an otherwise healthy 22 year old woman would develop such a sudden and severe problem like that. Perhaps its been coming on for a while now and I've just attributed it to pregnancy/new parenthood. Who knows. Who cares. They are going to fix it and I can go back to being myself. Hooray!

Good thing #2: Matt and I are going up to Seattle tomorrow to visit my BFF and her husband for the first time ever since they got married (almost two years ago... yeah, I'm kind of a bad friend :/). Actually right now the thought of packing and driving all the way up there sounds really exhausting, but I'm really looking forward to seeing her and I'm hoping that maybe getting my medication tomorrow will help me feel a little better and more energetic! We'll see.

I might kind of be a fan of my sister's new boyfriend, despite my dislike/general distrust for most of the people she dates. Last night I overhead him asking my dad's permission to take her to an apologetics conference. So at the very least he knows how to drive and woo her family members.

Natalie Mulkey is a genius.

I am thankful for my friend Natalie, for a great many reasons but one of them being that she always has good advice. When I was pregnant she gave me all kinds of tips about how to combat my morning sickness and I was sooooooooo grateful to her for that.

Well, on Sunday she and I were discussing my health (aka how I have been feeling crappy for a couple of weeks now). She mentioned that sometimes women can develop thyroid issues after having babies. This is the first suggestion that has made sense to me because I have had no other symptoms besides a headache and fatigue. So, I finally went to the doctor to get checked out, and the doctor is pretty much positive that that's what's up.

While I'm not super thrilled about having to wait even longer to feel better (it will take a few days to get my test results and get in to see my primary care physician, and then a few weeks to fine-tune my medication) I am relieved that I probably know what's wrong and can now address it. It is very defeating to feel like you are doing everything in your power to take care of yourself and still feel like your body is trying to shut down. So, hooray for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

A long post concerning my feelings about abortion, etc.

I have been deeply engaging/praying about an idea that was brought to the forefront of my mind a couple of weeks ago. I was driving home from the grocery store and I saw this bumper sticker on the car in front of me: "Be a Voice for Choice: Every Child a Wanted Child".

I have always had my own thoughts and opinions about abortion, and at times in my life I have held these opinions with varying degrees of fervor. However, when I read this bumper sticker, my eyes immediately welled up with tears and I felt nauseous. It was like all of the emotions of the past year of my life came tumbling out right then and there, and I could barely keep it together. I don't know if I could describe it in a way that would be understood, but I will do my best because I have finally been awakened to the profound change God has brought about in me.

First of all, let me say that I am not what would be defined as "Pro-Life" in the political sense, and it's been years since I made that decision. It's not because I don't value the lives of the unborn, in fact, I place few things in life with such high priority. Rather, it is because of my own firm beliefs regarding my role in society as a believer and the role of our government. First off, I don't believe that the government has the right to pass laws regarding personal morality. There are many things that take place in the world out there that I don't agree with, and these things are the result of sin and depravity, and also a result of the freewill granted by our Father. I do believe that this freewill has a purpose, and though I sometimes would like to reach into others lives and make their decisions for them, that was never His design. So, I fundamentally disagree with forcing my moral values on others through government. (This is the conclusion I have come to after much study and prayer. I realize a lot of people out there will disagree and have Biblical support for their stance, and I am happy to hear it. I don't think there is just one way to integrate faith into your life, but for me, this is what I believe.)

The second reason I believe this with such strength is that I simply do not believe politics are the answer. I have seen too many Christians sit back and let their ballot be their only method of combating the evil in our world. If you REALLY believe abortion is wrong, what difference does it make to fill in a circle on a page? I think that too often we think of our political stance as our primary weapon in a moral battle. The reality is, we are simply commissioning others to do the work we are unwilling to do ourselves. And this, to me, is just as evil. Politics have made no progress in turning people to Christ because THAT IS NOT THE GOAL. I think we, as Christians, need to stand up for our own ideas, not behind the shield of senators and representatives and presidents we "agree" with but clad in the armor of the Holy Spirit.

All of that being said, I have been struggling lately with what my response should be to the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate. How do I support mothers of "unwanted" (or rather, unplanned) children? Or how do I support the children? I feel like it would be hypocrisy for me to say that I feel strongly and yet personally have no involvement.

I will get to my thoughts in a minute, but first I just want to say something else for the record. I know what it is like to experience an unplanned pregnancy. It is one of the scariest things life can throw at you. I realize I am saying that as a woman in a healthy marriage with a wonderful and loving support system, so I can only imagine how women feel when there are other variables involved: finances, single parenthood, teenage parenthood, no support system, even rape. I know that I don't understand those situations, and I don't claim to. All I know is that the women who choose life for their babies in the midst of these difficult situations are heroes, and they should be celebrated.

I do understand what it feels like, though, to find out you are pregnant when it's the last thing in life that you want. To be honest, the day I found out that I was pregnant with Kisa was the worst day of my life. I have a tendency to minimize pain in retrospect, but I have made a point to try to remember my feelings about that because I believe God allowed me to experience them for a reason. I think the pain that Matt and I went through was for a purpose, and even that, apart from the changes of parenthood, has made a lasting imprint on who I am.

Obviously, I see things differently from the other side of pregnancy. I have changed dramatically, from the things I value in life to my goals for the future, and even my passions and interests. But I do remember the person I used to be, and how that person used to feel about the world. I don't think it's presumptious for me to say that I probably experienced a lot of what other women experience when they find out about unplanned pregnancies. So, really, I understand. I understand what it's like to feel the cascade of your well-planned life coming down around you. I understand what it's like to hope for, or even pray for, a miscarriage so things don't have to change. I know the surge of adrenaline that tells you that you can't do this, that it is a mistake, that there's got to be something you can do to go back in time and pretend it never happened. I know how it takes weeks, even months, for that feeling to fade. I have watched dreams crumble, or seen walls built up around them so high that they seem impossible to scale. I would not wish that pain upon anyone. I would hope that every woman would be able to experience the sweetness of pregnancy without the bitterness of sacrifice. But that is just unrealistic. We live in a world where, for the first time, we can actually MAKE the decision whether or not to have children, and when that decision is yanked from us, it feels like a severe injustice. Perhaps that is our own coloring of the situation, but I will not deny that the pain and the fear is very, very real.

I believe all of this had a purpose in my life, and whether or not I planned her, Kisa is here and she has been one of the most beautiful gifts that a gracious God has ever bestowed on me. I also know that someday her husband will thank God for bringing her into this world in the same way that I thank God for creating Matt, and for entrusting him to Russ and Vicki, who were faithful to love him and raise him in truth.

So the question has been raised: where do I go from here? I understand how abortion can seem like a reasonable choice in a broken and sinful world. I honestly don't judge the women who consider it as an option, because were it not for my husband and my faith, I probably would have, too. In a different circumstance, I hope that I would have made the same choice, but I honestly don't know.

I have been kicking around some thoughts on the topic, and asking God for his guidance as I consider how to turn these passions into ministry. I spoke before about the pain I endured having a purpose, and I believe this is it. I believe God means for me to have direct involvement with mothers and babies of unplanned pregnancies. What that looks like, I don't yet know. Maybe it means I will volunteer with some local NPOs, like the PRC. Or maybe it means something more dramatic, like adoption.

It's odd that in my life I have tried to leave everything open to God's direction, except family planning. For some reason I have always considered that to be my choice (i.e. I will have a baby, or have more babies, when- or IF- I am ready). Well, God pretty much blew that up in my face, and I'm glad He did. It is weird to try to consider God's plan for my family. Does he want us to have more children? Does he want us to adopt? When do we know we are done having children? I am starting to understand how people get to the "quiver full" idea. I do believe that kids are a blessing, and I fully intend to have as many as God wants me to have. Right now it seems scary to think about, or talk about, continuing to grow our family, and, Lord willing, we are hoping to take a break for a while. But the question lingers in my mind. What does He want for us, and how do we obey?

In the meantime, my heart is beginning to be drawn to the idea of adoption. Maybe for Matt and I, or maybe just as a concept that I throw time and energy into supporting. We will have to see what the future brings, and see if God leads Matt's heart in the same direction.

Either way, I feel like a new world has been opened to me, one that I have never before considered. I think that God wants me here, engaging this topic, and I am doing my best to be faithful and continue in humility and prayer so I can follow wherever He leads.

It feels unfair that over a week has gone by and I STILL have a major headache and I'm STILL so tired that this afternoon (after a cup of coffee, mind you) I took a nap ON THE FLOOR (the floor I have not vacuumed in... oh, I don't know how long) in front of Kisa's swing so that I wouldn't have to rouse myself and walk over there to put her binky back in her mouth if it happened to fall out.

That was kind of a run on sentence, but oh well. At least most of the stuff in that paragraph is spelled correctly, although exhausted has taken a toll on my punctuation.

Seriously though, if you know me you know I am a complete pansy when it comes to headaches. I hate them, and the most minor headache makes me feel like I am going to implode imminently. I would rather throw up all day than have a headache all day.

In other news, I am looking forward to relaxing all weekend, because hopefully I will feel better after a little R & R.

Since Matt updated his blog, I guess I should too...

Thank you all for pointing out my hypocrisy.

In other news, I have discovered a slight down side to working from home.

When your home is also your office, it can start to feel a little bit like you are always on the clock. Between the two jobs I work, my baby, and taking care of basic household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands), I have discovered that I can go an entire day with almost no down time. Surprisingly, I have discovered that I am NOT the type of person who struggles to motivate herself when unmonitored (I would have guessed this about myself). Rather, I struggle with sitting still or resting when it feels like there is always something I have to get done.

I have not been feeling well the past few days, and I'm not entirely sure why. It could be the changing of the seasons (I have historically had a difficult time adjusting to the winter months). It could be lack of sleep, although I feel the amount of sleep I get is generally reasonable, so I'm not sure that's it. It could be that I am feeling overworked or overwhelmed. It could be that I am coming down with something. It could be that I have had a bad reaction to the flu shot I got last week. There are so many possibilities. Regardless, I have been feeling pretty wiped out, and that's made me rethink the patterns I've fallen into over the past month.

So, in a renewed attempt to take care of myself and thus be a better wife/mother/employee, I have decided to enforce some general rules for my "work day". Like, for instance, coffee breaks and lunch breaks. Which means setting aside about 45 minutes of my day to stop working (and not because my baby just woke up and I have to feed/change her). But just to enjoy my meal and have a little bit of unstructured quiet time for myself.

So we'll see how that works out.
(And yes, I typed this during my first ever self-imposed lunch break)

P.S. my baby is awesome, also. This past week she has been like a totally different baby. Maybe it is just that I am settling in a bit better, but I really feel like she totally turned a corner right about the 6-week mark. Breastfeeding has gotten a LOT easier, and she has started to form a bit of a routine. She is on a very regular sleeping schedule at night, and she even takes a nap during Matt's work day, which gives me time to work on Ethnos and get things done around the house. In addition, she has greater stretches of time in which she is awake and happy and not eating, which makes her lots of fun to be around and puts me in a much better mood also.

For the first few weeks Matt was back at work, I was exhausted and moody by the time he got home in the evening, but now I feel really settled and happy with the pace of our life. Over the past year or so I have become a much more optimistic person, and that has been a huge help when it comes to the parenthood adjustment. For example: the last week or so, Kisa has started crying when she gets tired, and the only way to get her down for her nap sometimes is to hold her and rock her to sleep. Previously, she only cried when she was hungry (which was all or the time that she was not sleeping) and had to nurse herself to sleep. So I have decided that this new development is actually a good thing: it is tiring sometimes when she is really crying, but on the plus side, I know that it will be easier for me to wean her later on. Some babies have a hard time being weaned because they have to nurse themselves to sleep; Kisa has already developed a different nighttime routine. So, there is my silver lining.

There is always a positive, you just have to find out what it is.

I have read that it takes between 3-6 months to lose your baby weight. I gained a lot of weight while prego (more than 40lbs). Most of it is already gone, but I still have a little under 7lbs to go. I really want to lose these last few pounds before the 3-month mark, which is November 8th. So that is my goal for the next few weeks. The first 30+lbs have been easy, but I have the feeling that these last few will be a bit of a challenge. This past week I got the okay to start exercising again, and now that the weather has cooled down, I think it's time to take the jogging stroller out for a spin. Maybe that will make the weight loss easier. Plus, I really need to tone up and get into better shape.

I made a few promises to my husband for our anniversary this year, one of them being that I would do my best to lose all of my baby weight after Kisa came. I think it's very important for married men and women, especially parents, to take care of their body and their appearance. In my mind, this is one thing that I do to show Matt that I care about him and want to look my best for him. Not that I expect (or he expects) for me to be a perfect-looking supermodel, but I think it's important to be healthy physically, and to make an effort to look put together. I think it would be very sad to send the message to him that now that I am married, I don't need to make an effort. That says that he isn't worth it, when in reality, he is the only person whose attention I really care about.

Anyway... that was kind of a long shpeel, but the point is that I have been working hard to do this, for myself and for my husband. I am really close to my goal and that is exciting, since I spent nine months dreading my postpartum body.

a few things

First of all, I am really itching to go for a jog. I'm starting to understand what people mean when they say they have no time (or in my case, no energy) to exercise. I am almost to the six-week postpartum mark so I've decided I'm going to start jogging again, beginning this week.

Secondly, we are going camping tomorrow with the Hartzell family for five days, which will be our longest vacation in over a year.

Finally, the Strandys are coming to visit us at the end of this month. I am really excited to see them again.

Okay... time to dig into the housework.

I am feeling an overwhelming urge to reorganize the house today.

Wellllll I am trying to kill some time... Matt is over at the Ketah's helping Dave with the house, and I am about to go grocery shopping sans baby.

Anyway... I don't really have much to blog about, but life is finally settling down for me and after a week of stay-at-home mothering I am beginning to understand what life will be like with a baby. So far this has been a pretty smooth adjustment for the most part. I have been lucky enough to (mostly) escape the baby blues. Sure, there have been a few trying moments and tears shed, but given all the crazy hormones, recovery from childbirth, and dealing with a newborn, I'm pretty sure our transition has been smoother than most. Also, it gets easier with every day and as I gain more confidence (and lose more of those crazy prego hormones).

Part of my speculation about parenthood was a fear that I would never have time for myself anymore (or Matt for that matter). The last few weeks have been pretty Kisa-centric, but already I am starting to think about my personal goals and interests, and how I can make time for things that are important to me. Matt and I have been talking about my returning to work: a decision that, initially (as in pre-baby), seemed like a no-brainer to me, but as time goes by is becoming more of a question mark than a certainty. I'm feeling extremely conflicted about working... there are very clear pros and cons. I feel like my job is an opportunity for me to have some independence from my family. It's not a job that I love, but I do like the people I work with (well... some of them, anyway), and I like getting out and socializing and having a place where I am not serving the role of wife/mother. (That sounds really negative and I don't mean it to sound like I don't absolutely LOVE being a wife/mom, but hopefully people understand the point that I am getting at.) I also really struggle with the idea of not contributing financially. I know that being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time (and exhausting) job, not to mention that parenting is valuable in and of itself. Still, having the opportunity to stay home with my child seems like an incredible luxury to me, almost to the point of laziness. I know that I am capable of working and being a wife and mother. So choosing to do less work than I know I am physically able to do... that bothers me.

On the other hand, the hardest part of returning to work would be that I would be leaving Matt and Kisa for a significant portion of the time that we should be spending as a family. Especially with Matt, I feel like my time with him is limited already and I hate the thought of limiting it even more... giving up an evening or weekend together to go to a job that is, really, just a job... and not a career. It's not even something that I really care about.

One thing I have discovered in the last few weeks is that parenthood has not destroyed my quality time with Matt like I feared it would. In fact, in a way it has almost made things better. I think when you have less time, you tend to make more of the time you do have. Plus, after a week of taking care of Kisa alone, I am so excited to have him home with us all weekend. Parenting involves so much teamwork (i.e. you hold the crying baby while I brush my teeth, and then we'll switch) that I find myself really thankful for him and I feel like we are a stronger team than we were before.

Anyway... that last paragraph probably seems like a direct contradiction of the one before it, but the point is, family time is really precious to me, and time alone with Matt is precious to me, and I don't want to cut into either of those things.

Okay, it's time to do some shopping.

you know you are a mom when you blog about diapers.

Seriously though, I LOVE our diapers. I wanted to do cloth and Matt wanted to do disposables, so we compromised with g-diapers. They are environmentally friendly diaper hybrids; which means they have a cloth outside and a disposable (actually, compost-able or flushable) inner liner.

I was worried about whether or not these diapers would actually work... there was the potential for a huge mess and a lot of wasted money if they didn't. But they do and I love them. I love that we don't have poopy diapers sitting around our house. I also love that I am not throwing anything in a landfill. It also seems like they work at least as well (if not better) than the disposables.

So anyway, I am one happy mommy.

I have been waiting nine months for THIS DAY.

Perhaps it is silly and superficial but probably one of the most difficult things for me about pregnancy was all of the weight gain. What was even more frustrating was that it came at a time when I had just put a good six months into getting my body into great shape, and nine months later I am not only back where I started a year and a half ago, but I weigh more.

Oh well. What I gained is in the past (and it was the right amount, so I have no regrets). But I have been eagerly anticipating the day when I could get back on a regular diet and exercise plan. I don't expect to immediately shrink to my pre-pregnancy size, but I at least feel better about moving the scale in the right direction (aka down instead of up).

So anyway... today is the day I have been waiting for! I just re-enlisted in Weight Watchers. This time I am going to do it online instead of attending the weekly meetings. It's much cheaper that way and will probably be a lot easier with a newborn. They have meetings specifically for new moms, but it just sounds a little overwhelming to commit to being there every week (you have to pay for it even if you miss a meeting). Plus I am already in love with the online tracking system. Sooooo much easier than carrying around the little booklet, looking up all the points values and writing them down. I basically just enter the food and it calculates the points for me. I can even save stuff as favorites so I can quickly add stuff I eat every day.

Anyway... I'm kind of nerding out about this, I know... I'm just really excited to get started. I have a feeling this will be much easier the second time around because I know what I am doing... plus I get to eat a ton more food cause I'm breastfeeding, which is awesome.

Okay. The end. =)

MY labor story, sort of

For the moment I am enjoying some peace and quiet in our house! Kisa is down for a nap and Matt and I passed out with her... unfortunately I woke up, but oh well. I am feeling well enough rested for the moment.

I'm sure Matt will write a great blog with all of the details of delivery and our hospital stay, so I will just say a few things.

First, I feel incredibly blessed to have had such an amazing labor and delivery experience. I feel like everything went not only as I had planned but even better than I had hoped. I remember that I kept being surprised by the news the nurse would give me. She'd come in and give me an update on how far dilated I was, and I'd think, "really? Already? Wasn't it supposed to be hard?" I woke up from a nap at noon and was told (to my surprise and pleasure) that I was ready to push! I felt like I had barely even pushed and pretty soon they were calling in the doctor, and then before I even realized how close we were, they were putting my daughter on my chest!

When we got home and unpacked all the bags we had brought to the hospital, I kept pulling things out and kind of laughing to myself that we had never used any of the stuff we brought to cope with labor. We literally slept right through it. All I can say about that is God must love me, and I sure love epidurals.

Also, Matt was great and that made the whole experience so much easier than it could have been. He held my hand and encouraged me and even held his breath with me while I was pushing. He anticipated all of my needs and then met them without me having to ask. It was perfect. Over the last three days I have been thinking over and over how blessed I am to have him because he has been so good at taking care of me and Kisa. I really don't think I could have done it without him... which is a totally cliche thing to say, but true nonetheless.

Anyway, little Kisa is pretty much amazing and definitely the cutest person I have ever seen in my life, especially when she is sleeping or nursing or cuddling. When we were in the hospital we sent her to the nursery so we could get some sleep, so yesterday was our first night with her at home. She kind of gave us a run for our money. We had to call in my mom for backup. But today I am feeling a little more confident and well rested, so hopefully tonight will go a little more smoothly.

I don't really know what to say about Kisa. I feel like I am still getting to know her and I'm still kind of shocked that she is actually here. But I am also really proud of her. She is beautiful and she is doing so well. She seems to be eating, pooping and sleeping like she should be, so I'm not feeling very anxious about her the way I thought I would be. Plus, I just can't describe what it feels like to cuddle with her or nurse her to sleep. I guess other parents understand that feeling, but I can't put it into words.

Well, I should probably stop writing and see if I can catch a few more z's before the rest of the fam wakes up.. it could be another long night.

Selena Grace

Last night I went to the hospital with my mom to visit one of our friends who had JUST given birth. The couple just moved out from the midwest a year ago so they don't have a ton of family and friends in the area, and she delivered 2 weeks early so the family hadn't come out to visit yet. Consequently, my mom and I were probably the only two people to visit them yesterday.

I have hung out with them a few times over the course of my pregnancy, and it has been cool to know another pregnant mom... our due dates were only two weeks apart and we're both having girls, so it's been fun to compare notes. I was so excited that I got to visit them in the hospital and hold their newborn baby! She was probably only two or three hours old when we got to see her.

That was an incredible experience. I have never been in the hospital to see a baby before, and I have NEVER in my life held a newborn. This baby was also one of the cutest babies ever. She looks exactly like her parents already. It made me so excited to meet our baby and see her little face for the first time! What does a combo Matt & Ciara look like anyway? I guess we will find out soon enough...

I am getting pretty excited again. Every day that passes is one day closer to labor, and every day my chances of going into labor that day increase. No matter what, even if I go way overdue, there's a limited amount of time this can last. So, that is good. And pretty soon I will be holding MY daughter instead of someone else's. Yay!

I'm too lazy to think of a title for this blog post.

Well, these past few days have actually been pretty decent, considering. I am trying to keep myself busy in the last week of pregnancy. Every day I wake up with a huge list of things to do, spend all day doing them, and then go to bed at night with a new list. Yes, a lot of these things are very basic (like washing our bedding or taking out the trash) but it is extremely important to me that the house is as clean as possible every night when I go to sleep. I just keep thinking that if I don't do it now, I won't be doing it for a month, so I have to seize the day.

It's really hard to maintain the same level of preparedness/excitement for a month, so I'm having to be intentional about making sure we are prepared to leave at the drop of a hat. Because it really feels like it is never going to happen. And I don't say that to complain, I just say it because after a month, you get tired and stop focusing on things as important as your baby entering the world. Seriously, it is just impossible to be excited about that every moment of every day. Which I am glad of, because it makes the emotions a lot easier to deal with. I am sure we will get excited again pretty quick when I go into labor. But for now, we are just doing the same stuff we always do. (And with my luck, I will go into labor at three a.m. on the ONE DAY I didn't put the dishes in the dishwasher and forgot to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer. I know it is weird that I think about that, but I do. So I have spent my days doing things like cooking 15 freezer meals, running random errands, and making sure everything I am responsible for in this world is up-to-date, paid, cleaned, or otherwise taken care of.)

I'm also finding that it is about ten million times easier to be super pregnant when the weather is cool than when there is a heat wave. I think I cried every single one of those ten or so days. Now, for the most part, I am feeling much better. I won't deny that late pregnancy is still very uncomfortable (my back and feet have been killing me lately), but it is soooooooo immeasurably better than being trapped in the heat all day that I really have no (okay... minimal) complaints.

One thing I have been REALLY thankful for this week is that I am not working. Today was supposed to be my last day of work, and I honestly don't know how I could manage even just four straight hours on my feet, let alone eight. I guess I had assumed that since I am young and generally healthy I would not be affected as badly, and all the other pregnant women and doctors were exaggerating when they said many women couldn't work in late pregnancy because their feet and back hurt too much. I was WRONG, I will admit it. Now I know better. Luckily for me I got to learn this lesson from the comfort of my house instead of from trying to work all day on swollen feet and a sore back.

All of this just makes me so excited to not be pregnant anymore. It seems like it has been so long that I have actually forgotten what it is like to not have a huge belly or carry around a ton of extra weight... it will be cool to lose weight again and feel like I at least have a vote about how I look and feel.

Well, that's all for now. Matt and I have a dr. appointment later today (which I'm sure will be the same boring stuff it always is) but I have some stuff to get done before then, including taking a nap, and blogging wasn't on my list for the day, SO. I'm already behind.

HAHAHA

My friend Kristin shared this story with me today... which is worth reading if you ever plan on having kids because it is hilarious (but beware the f-bombs). Anyway, this is my favorite quote:

Marlo's due date was June 14th, and nine days before then my mucous plug came out. In fact, I twittered about it, meaning I told the over one million people who follow me on twitter that a giant wad of snot came out of my vagina:

The fact that I knew that a million people would read about my mucous plug DID NOT STOP ME FROM WRITING ABOUT IT. This is what Jon has to live with. Please send him flowers.

Many people wrote to tell me that this meant I was going to give birth RIGHT THEN. Or at least within the hour, right? Maybe later that day? And then I didn't go into labor right then. Or even that day. Or even that week. And in the middle of all my positive visualization my Hamilton brain took over and started going, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GO INTO LABOR. Also, you're going to die. And your hair is ugly.

I had to physically push all these negative thoughts out of my brain because people were sending me stories about women who had gone, like, 18 days past their due date. 18! OH MY GOD! Can you even believe that? Men, you don't understand this, but that number is just incomprehensible. Because once you go A SINGLE DAY past your due date you are suddenly unable to count past one. What comes after that number? Nothing, right? Because I can't go another day. I cannot walk, and my face is retaining so much water that I cannot lift it off this pillow, it is so heavy. Wait, two? There's a number two? TWO?! THEY NEVER TAUGHT ME THAT IN KINDERGARTEN, THOSE BITCHES!

And suddenly you think, that's it, I'm going to be pregnant forever. Ask any woman who has ever been pregnant and they will tell you that they have had that thought. And then followed that thought with a giant bowl of chocolate ice cream. And then some uncontrollable flatulence.

ohhh how I want to be skinny again
and have my back stop hurting
and dress my baby in all her little baby clothes and cuddle her instead of zeus... because zeus bites.
and along those lines, cuddle with matt without feeling like there's a huge beach ball between us...

all in good time, I suppose.

It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice!

I hate prodromal labor and would not wish it on any mother ever.

Oh man... I am exhausted.

Today...

Harry Potter 6 exists in the world, and I have not seen it.

So the past few days have been busy ones for us. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to cram all our parenting classes into the span of several days (which I'm now a little glad I did, because we only have one left to take and had I spaced them out more I'd be worried about missing out on taking them).

On Saturday I spent more than 8 hours at the hospital (Matt spent 5), and learned about nursing and caring for an infant. Last night we took a two-hour infant CPR class. We have our last birthing class tomorrow (that was a four week-long deal) and then we will be done! To be honest, the classes are a bit tedious, especially the one we took last night, which could have easily been condensed to a one hour class. And I'd forgotten what it's like to take classes with complete strangers.

The other thing we did this weekend was sit down with my parents and have a discussion about all of our expectations surrounding family and baby stuff for the next year. We did this same thing before we got married, and I felt like it was really helpful our first year to have guidelines and expectations we had all agreed upon beforehand.

After the conversation, I was feeling really blessed to have the parents that I have. I can tell that they have put a lot of thought into the kind of parents and grandparents that they want to be. I know it must be really hard to watch your kids grow up and not need you so much anymore, but my mom and dad have done a really good job of encouraging Matt and I to be independent, and have given me a lot of confidence in my ability to make the right choices for my own life and family.

We told my parents about the baby early last December, and since then the main message they have given to us over and over again is that they are confident in our ability to parent. In fact the FIRST thing my dad said to me was "I'm just really excited and I KNOW you are going to be great parents." That is a very reassuring message for a first-time mom or dad to hear. It raises my own confidence and my confidence in our relationship as parents and grandparents of this new baby.

It seems like there is so much going on and so much anticipation building... on the one hand, I am trying to focus on this little person I am soon going to meet. It could be any day! That is a terrifying and exciting thought. On the other hand, I am treasuring the last few days and weeks that Matt and I will have alone to focus just on each other... and hoping to draw them out as long as I possibly can. And to add an extra layer, since I don't have a ton of distractions at the moment, I am completely tuned in to my body and waiting for signs of labor, for this whole process to begin... you better believe I am feeling every contraction now and I can't wait for my appointment on Thursday.

Also, somewhere in the way back of my mind, I am still hoping to get a chance to see Harry Potter 6 before I go into labor.

I think I take a lot of things for granted in my life.

You know when you are sick, and you throw up, and immediately afterwords you feel SO MUCH BETTER? Even better than if you had never been sick in the first place? Or you go for a hike and you're REALLY THIRSTY and when you get that first sip of water it's sweet like candy?

I just think that sometimes I forget how great everyday life is until something comes along to shake it up a bit. And I've realized that relief is one of my favorite sensations in the entire world.

The last few days have had some moments of pretty severe stress (I would go so far as to label it panic). For example, preterm labor, stolen cars, and possible stolen identities are all things that really get your heart rate going. I also have a very active imagination so I tend to extrapolate situations in my mind to the worst possible outcome. I try to pray and recall scripture when I feel myself panicking, but I think maybe I have a superpower: worrying. It just comes very naturally to me. What can I say... I have a gift.

Anyway, my point is that, in all these situations over the past week, I have panicked. But in the end, things have all turned out okay. And the rush of relief when you realize that there was no need to panic in the first place is probably one of the best feelings ever. Really, you're just returning to life as usual. But it feels SO AMAZING because you've just had a huge burden of worry lifted off your shoulders.

So... I am going to try to work on not panicking in the first place (although I do feel that every instance of panic over the last week was probably warranted and would be experienced by almost every other person in my situation(s)), but for the moment I am just basking in the relief of everything being (momentarily) right in my world.

work and birthing class

I just woke myself up and can't get back to sleep sooooooooo blogging it is.

I have been thinking about what to do about work and I am having a hard time coming to a decision. My doctor ok'ed me to go back to work on Monday (7/13), but my boss basically refused to schedule me hours the last time I talked to her. I think that despite all of my warnings to her, she was not prepared for me to leave work more than a week early... so when I went out on bed rest I think she got overwhelmed. Now she doesn't really trust me to be able to come back to work, even though my doctor is saying I can.

On the one hand... I don't blame her, because the reality is that if I came back I could have to leave again pretty much any day. I understand that is a difficult position to put her in. Still, it doesn't really seem fair, because she would literally be in the exact same position had this whole bed rest thing never happened. If I had worked the past week with no problems there would STILL be a chance (probably about the same likelihood) that I go into labor sometime between the middle of July and the 10th of August (which is when my maternity leave is scheduled to start). So that is pretty frustrating.

Ideally, I would love to just NOT go back to work and go into labor next week or the week after. But I'm afraid that won't happen and that I'll be out of work (and unpaid) for two or three or four weeks. So I might try to get my coworkers to toss me a couple of shifts a week just so I am getting some sort of pay.

But then there are other things to consider... like how Matt feels about me being at work. I think he would rather me stay home until I'm past 37 weeks. And then he would rather me not work 8 hour shifts. But I don't know... if I'm scrounging for hours I can't really afford to be picky.

And also, even though, like I said, I completely understand the tough position my boss is in right now, part of me wonders if there is some law protecting my right to work. Because if my doctor says it's okay, then they can't just not schedule me because I'm 8+ months pregnant. At least... it feels like they shouldn't be able to do that. But again... who knows, and how much is it worth to me to press the issue?

Anyway. To be honest, work is really the last thing I want to be worrying about right now, but I can't get it off my mind... and I feel like this bed rest threw a big wrench in my plans and all of the options I had before aren't open to me anymore. So that is frustrating. I am praying about what to do and I have been talking to Matt about it, but I kind of feel like the whole thing is out of my hands and I may just have to roll with the punches.

On a completely different note:

Tonight Matt and I went to birthing class (the only dr-approved exception to my bed rest... so you can imagine how thrilled I was to leave the house). We learned about delivery. I wouldn't call it fun exactly, but it was good to get all the information, even though most of it I have read or heard other places. Lately I have been watching episodes of A Baby Story (which, for those of you who don't know, is basically a reality show that follows different moms through the birth process... something I would usually NEVER watch or be interested in, but the past month or so my interest has been piqued and I have probably watched about 10 or so deliveries, all thanks to cable :) ). Matt makes fun of me because every time (EVERY time) the babies are delivered and are handed to their moms for the first time, I cry.

Well, tonight in class we watched a couple moms give birth, and right as the babies came out Matt leaned over and started teasing me about crying in public (because of course I was). So I looked around the room and literally EVERY SINGLE WOMAN was wiping their eyes. Even Matt had a sappy little grin on his face. There is something pretty cool about watching a baby come into the world... especially when you are anticipating that moment in your own family. It's beautiful.

And then they delivered the placenta. And I almost threw up.

a question to ponder

Does it make me old that lately when I watch sitcoms the parents are always my favorite characters?

some good news

So I just got off the phone with my benefits representative and it turns out I'll get to collect some pay while I am stuck at home after all. I get short term disability any time I miss more than three days of work for a medical disability (like bed rest). I was afraid I would have to start my maternity leave early, but it sounds like I will still get my full 6-8 weeks of maternity leave plus ten days of disability. So, I am pretty pleased about that. Also I have 40 hours of vacation saved up... which isn't a ton, but it's enough to fill in the blanks if I have to miss any work in between the two.

So, that is my good news for the day.

Some plus sides to preterm contractions:

I have decided to think positively about our little escapade yesterday (you can read Matt's version of the story here), and I have discovered there are some definite pluses to everything we went through:

1) We basically got a trial run of what we are going to experience when I actually do go into labor: we got to go the hospital, visit the maternity ward, meet the doctors and nurses, etc.
2) I am on bed rest (which I am really not thrilled about, but, again, we're thinking positive here) which will give me a chance to rest for the last couple weeks before the baby comes. As much as I don't want to be sitting around useless all day, I also really don't want to be working when my feet are killing me, I'm grumpy, and nothing is within reach. And I am also going to be getting a glorious amount of sleep every day. So perhaps that is another hidden blessing.
3) I now know what contractions feel like, so when I go into labor I am definitely going to know what's going on. I really had no idea I was even having them until they told me.
4) I got to practice my breathing techniques.
5) It put us on alert. We knew a baby was coming, but honestly, I wasn't expecting her for at least another three weeks. We were soooooooo unprepared yesterday that I am just thankful for the opportunity to come home, pack our bags, try to get together some essentials, pick a name, etc. We're not going to get caught off guard again.
6) I am newly reminded that God is in control, for which I am very thankful. I don't really want to give birth today or tomorrow or even next week, but if I do, I know that it is all in God's plan and that he will protect all three members of our little family. So as nervous as I was yesterday, today a general peace has settled in. Actually, I can be thankful I made it this far already... we are told that babies born around this point actually do pretty well, so even if she does come earlier than we'd like, she will more than likely be fine. My sister was born earlier than this and she is healthy, so that's a comfort to me.

Anyway, that's all for now. Trying to stay positive!

Rude.

One of my pet peeves working in a customer service job is women who store necessary items in their bra. Money, credit cards, cell phones, etc DO NOT BELONG IN THERE! I don't want to have to touch the sweaty money some lady just pulled out of her cleave.

Seriously, I know all money is dirty and there's probably nothing different on boob money than the money I keep in my purse/wallet (WHERE MONEY SHOULD GO), but I feel like it is really rude and trashy to expect a random stranger to accept money that you store in the same place you store your genitals. I'm just saying.

Father's Day Thoughts... a little belated

The other night at work I saw something really cute. There was a dad there hanging out with his wife and little daughter (she couldn't have been much older than 18 months). The little girl was very upset and started to cry... but not just a little bit... she broke out into these huge, earth-shattering, heart wrenching sobs. Of course, her daddy scooped her up, pulled her close to him, and she buried her head in his shoulder and just started wailing.

I was watching this scene unfold and I was reminiscing about being a little girl myself and crying like that in my dad's arms. There is something really calming and reassuring about being held and encouraged to just cry it out. I doubt many adults feel comfortable enough with anyone to cry the way little girls do with their daddies.

Anyway, it made me think of my own dad, and the most random memory popped into my head. I know it is kind of weird that this is one of my favorite memories of my dad, but maybe it just goes to show that good dads are still your daddy no matter how old you get or what else is going on in your life.

So... here it is. My freshman year of college, I was living downtown with a roommate, and since she and I didn't always see eye-to-eye on things, I ended up coming home often and staying at my parents' house. They were (very generously) allowing me to drive their car on the weekends if I needed it, and feeding me when I came home (even though they gave me grocery money and paid my rent when I was in the apartment).

Anyway, this particular day was a Saturday, and I had a final in one of my classes... one that I wasn't doing very well in, so everything depended on the project I was about to present. I was staying at my parents' house, so I got up early and drove their car to my apartment, where I parked it on the street with my school project and backpack in the backseat. I ran upstairs to get something, and when I came back down to get in the car, I realized there was glass everywhere... all over the street, the curb, and the inside of the car. Also, my backpack was missing: although, thankfully, my project was still intact.

I had no cell phone and no way to contact anyone, so I had to drive to school and park the busted car on the street (and borrow someone's cell phone) while I tried to contact my parents and the police. I don't remember much of my final, except that my professor took pity on me and passed me regardless of the fact that I was probably on the verge of tears throughout my entire presentation...

But here is what I remember really vividly from that day. As soon as I finished my presentation, my professor released me and I was standing waiting for the elevator to go down to the lobby and wait for my dad. I forgot to mention that my dad was preparing for a trip to Malaysia (I was planning on taking him to the airport that afternoon). But he had said he would come down and help me work out all the details with the car- his car, which I had just, in my stupidity, caused damage to.

Well, I was standing in front of the elevator and the doors slid open, and there he was, standing there, looking worried. And the first thing out of his mouth was probably something like, "Are you okay?". And I just burst into tears like a two year old, and buried my face in his shoulder and cried and apologized for being so stupid and irresponsible. I was probably about 17 or 18, but I don't know if I remember another time where I was so thankful to see my dad. And what amazes me now when I think about that story is that really, he had every reason to be pissed at me, but instead he comforted me and seemed more concerned about my tears than the car window (which cost a LOT of money to replace). I don't know if I had cried like that for years and years, but there was a sense of "your dad is here, everything is going to be okay."

Anyway, that is probably my favorite memory of my dad. (The original blog post from that day is here: http://beatlesxforxsale.blogspot.com/2006/03/saturday-march-18th.html)

Also, watching this whole interaction, I got a little excited. I find it really telling that this child was there with both her parents, but she ran to her daddy for comfort. I was thinking of Matt and how he will get to be that source of strength and protection for our little girl. It was really beautiful to watch. I thanked God that that little girl had a daddy like that, and that I did, and that my daughter will.

I love being married. What an incredible gift.

Some things

Tomorrow we are leaving for our anniversary camping trip. I am really excited! I kind of wish we could be getting away for longer, but such is life. I am getting really burnt out at my job, and my schedule is basically the opposite of Matt's right now, which sucks.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to work while being so pregnant. Standing up for eight hours is hard enough when you are not prego, but by the end of a day of work my feet are killing me. Things are out of reach, and it's getting to the point where I can't even move things so that they are comfortably within my reach. That's hard. Especially if I am working with someone who is not understanding or helpful... that makes the whole thing worse.

I am allowed to take breaks more often now, but physically there is no possible way to do it, because we never have enough people working. I feel like it is reasonable that I should at least be able to take my breaks when they are required for normal (aka non-pregnant) employees, which is once every two hours, but even that can't happen. Most days I go three or four hours without being able to even sit down, and that makes me pretty feisty. Which, as you can imagine, is not ideal in a customer service type setting. I feel myself getting more short-tempered. I have a little less than two months to go, which is a long time to be so unhappy and uncomfortable...

The other thing is that my maternity leave is proving to be a difficult situation. I can't really go into detail, but I am starting to get a little worried about my job and whether or not I am going to be treated fairly for the next few weeks (and when I return). It is frustrating. I know that there are laws to protect me but I don't want to have to struggle for something that I have been promised. I suppose I don't yet know what the outcome will be, but I'm starting to prepare myself for the possibility that this may not be easy or go down quite the way it should.

The last vacation I took that was more than two days long was last summer for our wedding and honeymoon, and two days away from your job is not really long enough to feel refreshed and renewed... I want a solid vacation, and unfortunately this year it isn't going to happen. I'm looking forward to getting away from work and spending time with our baby, but that's not the same as taking a week off to relax. Which is what I really want.

Anyway, all of that aside, I am really excited to be going away for the weekend and spending time with my husband. I'm sure this is our last pre-baby getaway, so hopefully I will have plenty of energy and we can make the most of it and do some fun stuff together. I am looking forward to pwning him at mini golf. :) And showing him the sights around Fort Stevens 'cause he's never been.

Well, today I have a lot to write about, because I have been ruminating on some things for a while.

First of all, I have been reflecting on all the things I have learned about myself while being pregnant. I am the first of most of my friends to have kids, so I am trying to take notes so I can be a better support to each of them if/when they become parents. I am trying to think about which advice was most helpful, what comfort I needed (and when), what products I used, etc. I am trying to think of the interactions I have had with others that made me feel happy and supported, and the ones that made me feel insecure and worried. I am trying to store away all this knowledge so that I can be a good support system to my friends if they need it, but know when to keep my mouth shut if they don't.

For the last month or so I have been buckling down and reading a lot more about birth, parenting, relationships etc. I feel like I am finally ready (mentally) to face the prospect of giving birth. I was trying to describe the process of preparation to Matt... most of the time, in life, pain comes unexpectedly. It is weird to be staring the most physically painful and emotionally demanding event of your life in the face... and trying to prepare for it and accept it-- even look forward to it.

Angie gave me a good book early on, Birthing From Within, which I have been enjoying reading. It's about the mental and spiritual process you go through to prepare for birth and motherhood. There was a great quote in there, (I am going to paraphrase it because I'm too lazy to get up and get it) basically, that if women were really as weak as our current society would have us believe, the entire human race would have gone extinct long ago. I find that comforting and empowering, and I have tried to identify and deal with the fears I have regarding labor and parenting an infant. It has helped me ease my mind and approach the changes in life more confidently.

Finally, I have been reading up on family/marriage relationships once a baby is introduced and trying to think proactively about how Matt and I will tackle parenthood without losing our relationship. I picked up another fantastic book, And Baby Makes Three, last week and I have been totally engrossed in it. I love how it is so full of information and practical tips. I feel like every page is just crammed full of useful knowledge and I'm trying to take it all in.

It's comforting, in a way, to be reading about relationships, because I'm learning that Matt and I have a really good foundation in terms of our marriage and how we relate to each other. I know we are going to be facing a lot of stress and changes, but it seems like our habits and methods are basically on track and that is a big part of keeping your relationship healthy and vibrant (from what I am reading). We were talking about this last night, and Matt was commenting that maybe we haven't been married long enough to really fight about issues. But I can tell a difference even since the beginning of our relationship with how we approach conflicts. I would say we "fought" far more when we were dating, especially in the beginning, than we have since being married.

I am not saying that we are a perfect couple, but rather that I feel we are on a healthy trajectory... I know things will be different, and probably difficult, but I feel confident that we have the skills and resources to manage (and thrive). In a way it is a blessing to be forced to be more proactive with your marriage. It is easy to just let things happen, but having a newborn will mean we are forced to be more intentional with our relationship (something we probably should be doing anyway).

Lastly, I have learned to see some other blessings in our lives as I consider our new baby and the world she's going to be born into. Matt and I had originally hoped I would be a stay-at-home mom when our children were born. Because of where we are right now that isn't really a possibility. But I am learning to see the blessing in all of that. We are planning to arrange our schedules so that I can work part time while Matt stays home with the baby. I will be able to work a little bit less, so that in and of itself is a blessing. Also, I am excited about Matt being able to provide the majority of the childcare when I am away. I think it will give him time to gain confidence on his own as a dad and bond with his daughter. So many dads aren't really able to spend one-on-one time very often with their kids. So that is a hidden blessing in all of this. Also, I think it will be good for me to be able to get out of the house, even if it is to go to work.

I have also been thinking about the very special privilege our daughter will have because of Ethnos. My whole family attends church there so it is literally a family experience for us. It is cool to think that as our daughter grows, she will witness my parents' example of ministry as well as mine and Matt's. We will have three generations of one family in the same church... that is pretty crazy to think about. I don't know how long we will all be serving together like that, but unless God calls us away we plan to be at Ethnos as long as the doors are open. So the prospect of raising our daughter in an intimate, family church where she is known and loved is exciting to me.

Anyway... I have been blogging a long time and there are other things I need to get done today, so I will stop there.

Ahhhhh WHY IS IT SO HOT????

I seriously just briefly considered pulling out the hair shaver thingy Matt owns and Sinead-ing it. And possibly shaving the cat too because he seems equally miserable.

...And yet he, for some reason, wants to cuddle. Maybe because he knows we are both about to die and he wants to show me some love in our final moments...

Goodbye cruel world

Yay!

I just made reservations for us to celebrate our first wedding anniversary!

It is coming up a little over a month from today (June 28th), but because of crazy summer schedules, we are going to celebrate it a little early. So we get to go away in just a couple weeks.

I was feeling sad about missing out on summer camping this year. Usually we spend about a week camping with the Hartzells every summer, and my extended family (all one million of them) rent out a loop of yurts for a weekend every August. Not to mention the second annual Ethnos camping trip. The latter two are happening in August, and the Hartzell Family trip got canceled due to impending baby. Needless to say I was bummed our camping gear would sit in our garage getting dusty all summer.

SOOOO... I decided we should seize the day and go camping for our anniversary, and I am super thrilled to have just booked us a campsite! It is at a KOA campground, which is not usually so much our cup of tea, but I have to admit a hot shower and a free pancake breakfast sound nice at 7+ months pregnant. Not to mention the pool and mini golf. So I am excited, even if it's not technically "camping" (by my own definition).

I can hardly believe we've been married almost a year already... time flies.

So I just got off work... it has been a crazy weekend because of the holiday, and these are shifts I don't normally work, so I am exhausted. Not to mention I am noticing certain difficulties with my usual work habits and practices. Like sometimes I can't reach things on the counters because my belly is in the way and my arms are too short. And if I drop anything on the ground (which happens a lot because I'm moving fast and I'm clumsy) it takes a long time to pick it up/is uncomfortable and annoying.

I have taken to moving little things around on the counters so they are within my reach while I am working, a habit which is totally necessary but pisses off all my coworkers. (Of course they can't really be mean about it once I explain the reason, but I can tell they're exasperated.)

I'm 29 weeks today... which means our little girl could be arriving in about 10 weeks (or more, or less)! Hooray for the home stretch... I'm sick of pregnancy.

I am really into bubble tea right now. Talk about the weirdest pregnancy craving ever... those little tapioca balls that they put in the bottom of the cup? I swear I could drink a cupful of just those things.

Cold Mountain

Not to be all woe-is-me but I really wish I weren't sick this week. There is a lot of stuff I need to do, and I am finding it really hard to stop (or even slow down) and rest. I am in the pregnant mommy mindset and am so conditioned to ignore my random complaints and ailments that even though I know I should probably be taking it easy it's hard to do so. My parents taught me that illness is your body's way of slowing you down when you are putting too much pressure on yourself.

Anyway, I have to go back to work today, even though I'm not really ready and I feel guilty for exposing others to my contagious swine flu germs.

On a completely different note... last night Matt stayed home (usually on Tuesdays he does guy stuff) and we watched Cold Mountain. I have been wanting to see this movie for a while, primarily because the editor (Walter Murch) is one of my heroes in the film industry, and also because I have heard a lot about it and how great it is.

I don't think it fell short of any of the reviews I had heard, although for some reason, no matter what character he plays, I still hate Jude Law and have trouble loving his characters. The whole main love story was a little Romeo and Juliet-esque for my taste. It's not that I don't believe people can fall in love so quickly and completely... I do believe that, it happens all the time. What I don't believe is that they can then spend multiple years apart obsessing about each other with no communication and then come back together and so quickly fall back into love after so much has changed. I don't know, perhaps I am too much of a cynic, but I didn't connect as much with the main love story. It probably doesn't help that we are currently watching the show Rome which (I feel) has a much better example of this same dynamic (a husband returning to his wife after 8 years of war and her believing him to be dead). Of course TV shows have a lot more time in which to develop more realistic situations and characters.

There was one really fantastic and heartbreaking scene in the movie (I cried a little bit) where Jude Law's character comes to stay at a house where a widow and her sick baby are living. She lets him borrow some of her late husband's clothes and then asks him to sleep in the bed next to her. You kind of have to see the scene to get it, but even though very few words are exchanged it was by far the most powerful and beautiful scene in the film. (By contrast the final death scene was so predictable and cliche that it just seemed like a waste of time.)

Anyway. That little scene was like a little gem, and perhaps it is because of where I am in life that I found it so moving, but seriously... that is probably something that will stick with me for years.

Well, it is 2:30 in the morning and all the powers of the universe have aligned against me to keep me from sleeping soooooooo here I am blogging. I'm pretty sure I am coming down with something because when I left work a few hours ago my throat was just starting to hurt and now it is killing me. I'm also pretty sure my work/boss would freak out if I were to miss even one shift.

Work has sucked a little lately because one of the other members of our management team broke her foot and as a result has a bunch of restrictions on the time of day and length of shift she can work. The good thing is that I have been picking up a bunch of her hours, but my boss has been stressing about it. Not to mention that the schedule has been less than ideal because I've been working a ton more nights and weekends and not been able to spend as much time with Matt. And there is literally no back up plan if one of the remaining three of us gets sick or injured... it makes me worry a little bit about what is going to happen down the road if I have to miss work or leave early for some reason. I have not once (so far) called in sick because of pregnancy symptoms, and I doubt that is going to change, but it would be nice to just feel like I had the option if I needed to take advantage of it.

Needless to say I am looking forward to dialing it back a little come September.

Aughhh I think I am gonna have to miss work tomorrow... I feel crappy.