ahhhhh i am so sick
it sucks

today mostly just sucked.
i was sad.
very sad, and tired.

young jimmy stewart looks like (and reminds me of) my ex-boyfriend.

My hands are tied
My body bruised
You got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to lose.

eddie vedder knows how i feel almost all of the time.

The waiting drove me mad,
You're finally here, and I'm a mess.

Everything has changed.
Absolutely nothing's changed.

It's your move now...
I thought you were a friend...
But I guess I hate you.

-Pearl Jam

he is a beautiful man.

i am painting my room grey.

the good thing is, though, that I aced my art history course this last term. I just remembered that I needed to check up on it.

Not that there was really any question (I aced every quiz and exam leading up to it), but I was not as prepared as I could've been going into the final, and going on only 3 hours of sleep and a full 8 hour work day, starting at 6 the morning of.
So, it still feels good to have pulled off the perfect grade in that class.
It wasn't even an A-.

new low

So, in case you haven't noticed, this year sucks for my family. It has been (has been as in, prior to today, it still was) the worst year of my life so far. And seriously, that is saying a lot, because a lot of crap has happened to me over the course of my short life.
But it gets worse.
Way worse.

And after today, I am convinced that the only thing that could be worse is if someone died. That is the only struggle we really have left. Besides my parents divorcing or my sister getting pregnant. And even that last would have the payoff of a cute baby at the end.

So yeah. Life sucks. I feel like, over the last six months, I have earned the right to bitch a little. I am sure that on the outside things seem so happy and we seem so blessed, and it is not that we aren't or that we haven't been. I feel like nothing that has happpened has been self-inflicted or provoked in any way. It just feels like punishment or attack. And it makes everything seem like an illusion.
The vision that you have of the perfect life, with the perfect family and all the perfect things you own, and good health, and everything... that is all fake. That can all crumble at any moment and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I almost feel like it is worse to start with these things. Because then you have the pain of them being snatched away from you. Which, I must say, is a pretty awful kind of pain.

Anyway. I don't mean to be cryptic but I'm not sure if I am allowed to share the news yet. You will all hear soon enough I'm sure. And then we will be back in the fishbowl dealing with all our crap right out in the public for everyone to see.
Lovely.

I am weary.

Kristin, I miss you.

I am off to cry myself to sleep (yes, literally, and I'm not just being emo).

Come visit me at work tomorrow. 8-5. Seriously, if you're in the area, I love it when my friends stop by. :)

i love kessler

So all my friends are home for Christmas break. It feels great (once I got past the initial shock of welcoming them back, of course). I have yet to see Becky or Matt. But I am looking forward to it. I miss them both a lot.
But the best part has been seeing Kessler. He randomly grew up a ton over the past year and is now this awesome, amazing man of God. I am so impressed. We have talked about all kinds of things from relationships to the Bible to movies to family. I have been friends with him nearly ten years and we have never had that kind of relationship before. In fact, besides Kristin, I have not had that kind of relationship with many of my christian friends from high school. It is cool; it is a blessing.
Tonight we went and played pool, and afterward we went and saw The Holiday, which I think is a good movie, if a little long (my butt started going numb like halfway through). I have to admit I got a little into it. But Kess did too. He was "oohing" and "awwing" and cheering for Jack Black right along with me. And then on the way home, we talked about the guys I have "dated" over the past year (technically I have been single this whole time, but in reality I have had a series of crappy relationships, one of which has basically crushed my spirit and left me completely useless and depressed for the past six months. To be honest, I still feel like it could take forever to recover from it. So there's that). Anyway, we had this deep talk and he was telling me how I should know that I deserve much better and that I shouldn't settle, etc etc. I know this, but still, it feels good that he knows too and that he cares enough to make a point of telling me.

I have been very thankful lately that God has provided so many good brotherly figures in my life, because, as we all know, my real brother has not been acting in that role for quite some time. It wasn't something I prayed for but it was definitely something I needed and he was wise enough to provide. I feel blessed. I have never really been a girl's girl (I have never had a ton of girl friends), and I have missed all the boys in my life more than I realized. I honestly wish I had gone to them earlier for support. But oh well. You live and learn.
I feel so blessed.

:)

i'm still shivering

it is so freaking cold out that today I had to scrape my windshield twice, once when I left for work (at 4 am) and once when I left work to go home (at 8). My car was so covered in ice that when I set my cup on the roof it just slid right off.
Why is it this cold and not snowing? It's not fair!

I need to hit the slopes, and SOON. I miss the mountain. :)

wise words from a wise man

people are just people
they shouldn't make you nervous.

and if you kiss somebody
then both of you'll get practice.

people make me anxious

P.S.

Right now, I really wish I were dancing.

it ain't no lie, baby, bye bye bye...

I think that if I ever found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, my punishment for him (besides, of course, ripping him a new one) would be that I would break up with him via boy band mix cd. I would compile a mix of songs like NSync's Bye Bye Bye or the backstreet boys' Don't Want You Back and I would burn multiple copies. Then I would sneak them into every cd player he owned, so that no matter where he was (in his car, at home, going for a jog with his ipod, whatever) he would be bombarded with the screeching music and ridiculously shallow lyrics, and the reminder that his prescence on the earth is just as painful to me as theirs is.

I think this is a fun game.

I don't really think it's true but I'll go with it since these are very beautiful people. Except for Kirsten Dunst, which is (unfortunately for me) the one who looks like me the most. So it goes.

6 weird things about me

Terry posted this on his blog a while ago and I just decided to post it back, mostly because I am really bored and too anxious to go to sleep.

1) When I was in sixth grade I got a very bad case of the flu and I was sick for two or three weeks. When I came back to school everyone was very anxious because missing three weeks of school is a lot when you are in sixth grade. One girl in particular wouldn't leave me alone and kept bugging me and asking me what was wrong with me. I finally got annoyed and told her I had epilepsy. I didn't know what it meant at the time and she wasn't my friend and I was in sixth grade and crazy. Not that that's really an excuse, but whatever. Eventually the rumor got around to my real best friend. She confronted me about it, in tears because she thought I was going to die. I still feel guilty about that sometimes.
2) The above is (surprise!) NOT the biggest lie I have ever told.
3) I organize my DVDs alphabetically and by genre (classics on the top shelf, action in the middle, sci-fi, comedy and drama on the bottom). The ones that don't have a clear genre really annoy me and they are filed somewhere else entirely.
4) I have a full-sized bed that takes up a large portion of my room (which has a broken heater which makes it really cold). Because of this I do a lot of things in bed and random items will get tangled up in my bedcovers from time to time. I can go for a long time before I even notice this stuff since the bed is so large. Earlier today I cleared out the following: two boxes of tissues (one full and one empty), five waterbottles, a textbook, one plastic knitting needle, a pencil, a shoe, three socks (none of which match), and a portable hard drive.
5) In elementary school I got trained to be a conflict manager. We wore special t-shirts and we would hang out at recess and help kids who were having problems with each other. One day when I was on duty a kid made me really mad and I punched him. After that I wasn't allowed to be a conflict manager anymore.
6) The first pet I ever owned was a fish that I won at a carnival. I named him Freddy and I built a train track around his fishbowl so he would feel at home (since his booth at the carnival was right by the train). He died two days after I got him and we buried him in a little box in the side yard. I cried. Two years later my mom grew strawberries over Freddy's grave and I refused to eat them.

i tried to do it the legal way...

...but the system failed me.
On Friday I went in to see my doctor as scheduled. My appointment was at 11 and I didn't have work until 12:45 so I figured I would be ok. I got there 5 minutes early and was all set up and waiting by the time the clock hit 11. Well, they left me waiting nearly 30 minutes and I was starting to get kind of nervous. It isn't unusual to have to wait that long, especially with my doctor, but I figured once I got into the room it would take at least 45 minutes to check me out and diagnose and everything. Which left me leaving the office at 12:15, with just enough time to get to work before I had to clock in.
So needless to say I was getting pretty antsy around 11:30 or so, and was just about to say something when the nurse came out and called my name.
...But she wasn't calling me to tell me it was my turn. She was calling me to tell me the doctor was running over an hour behind and there was no chance of seeing anyone until well after 12:00.
Well that didn't work for me so I had to go through the whole process of cancelling and rescheduling my appointment for Monday, refunding my co-pay, etc. which took another 15 minutes because the receptionist didn't seem to want to do any work that day. As it turned out, I ended up scheduling my return appointment during the time I was supposed to be at work (grr). The whole thing was just really frustrating, plus I felt like crap and had wasted over an hour and accomplished absolutely nothing. No one even apologized to me for the inconvenience. The worst part is that I had given up an extra 2 hours I could have worked that day so that I could go to this appointment.
When I got home I told my mom the whole story and she said, "don't worry, I can just give you some of my emergency antibiotics." I followed her out to the garage where she has a box full of random medical supplies and, among these items, a bottle of prescription amoxicillin. What the...? I started taking them, though, and today I felt much better.
Don't ask me how or why my mom stashes prescription drugs in our garage because I'm not exactly sure there is a good explanation. All I know is that it paid off.

Okay, okay. I have been sick for two weeks now. TWO WEEKS. And I am running out of things to do. I hit bottom after watching three seasons of Grey's Anatomy (I really hate to admit it, but I really like that show). So now I am blogging because... well, because I have nothing else to do. And also because for some people, like Kristin, Lee, Terry, my cousins, etc. it is my main method of keeping them up-to-speed on the happenings of my life.
So... yep. I have been sick. Nothing major, except that I keep thinking I am getting better when I am actually getting worse. I tried everything imaginable. I slept as much as any human could possibly sleep. I took vitamins, even Airborne and Emergen-C. I drank plenty of water. I even tried running it out on the treadmill. But nothing worked, and I feel worse. So I am going to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will make me all better.
My main annoyance about the whole being sick thing is that I haven't been able to work out as much as I would like to. Becky and I are running a 5k on New Year's which, although it isn't a huge deal, isn't something I really want to go into without any prior effort (especially since Becky is a super athlete). Apart from that, I had been making an effort to work out every day and had been doing a really good job of it up until I got sick. Three miles a day. And as of today I haven't been to the gym in... three days. Not so awesome.
Ummm... what else. Next week is finals week, and then I have three weeks off before I go back to full-time. I am pretty excited. I recently found a really great postgraduate program at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. Trinity is pretty prestigious so eligibility for admission might be a bit of a struggle. I have made a goal of working harder to step up my grades and find out what supplemental courses I may need to take to qualify.
The program is amazing. Seriously-- it is perfect for me. It's a Masters of Science in the field of Global Health. Which is a program that basically takes students from all kinds of science fields and integrates medical, political and cultural studies. The goal is to train medical/business professionals who will be working in international health careers how to address health issues that span the globe.
I have never really pegged myself for the post grad type, but as it turns out, I am good at the whole school thing when I apply myself. So I am going to work hard toward this, and see where I end up.
I need to get perfect grades from now on, which is going to be really difficult. But I think I can maybe probably do it. The school asked me to become a peer tutor next term. I think it's funny since they tried to kick me out the first term, and now they want to pay me to teach other kids. Ha. I will probably say yes, not because of the money (it isn't even minimum wage, and it's only about 4-8 hours/month), but because it will be a good thing to put on my application and because I think I might actually be good at it.
Which brings me to my last point of update: work. Work is great. I love it. Especially my coworkers. They are very nice people. And I'm not just saying that because my boss might someday read this. :)
The other day a girl came in from another store when I was working on the bar. She started talking to me and I got all nervous. She had a very complicated drink and once I knew she was a Starbucks employee I was trying very hard to get it right (since I knew she would know if I didn't). Well, I was so concentrated on making sure I steamed her milk to the right consistency (not too foamy), that I forgot to put any shots in her drink. That was pretty embarassing. When I told Shineadth she laughed at me and said, "well, you can only go up from here." (I like her the most out of everyone.)

Okay. I should probably sleep now. I get to go to the doctor in the morning! I am excited.

FIN!

I think I am going to spend the time I used to spend blogging, journaling instead. The reasons for this are twofold:
1) I don't see the point of blogging if not for community, and it doesn't seem like it is really providing the same community-building opportunities it used to
2) I am restricted in my ability to speak freely on the web, and the time I spend writing these blogs replaces the time I would be able to spend journaling in a private diary... which I think would be more beneficial to me as an individual at this point in my life.

This doesn't mean I am never going to blog again, it just means I probably will do it Todd-style from now on... you know, every six months or so.

Did other people see that police tazering video at the UCLA campus? Awful; apparently that officer has a history of using excessive force...

Oh, Brother...

I know that people used to read my blog because I was very open and honest about the crap going on in my life (I call it crap because that is what it is) and what I was learning from it. Recently I have not been writing much about my personal life/feelings, and that's because I am extremely aware of how public a place this blog really is. Yes, I want to be open. With my community. But I'm not entirely sure how open I want to be with the whole world.
In some situations, such as things I have created within my own mind, I tend to be more open. Things have happened to me and the way I deal with them. Things like depression, Mike, cutting. Things like that I am okay with sharing.
Where it gets shaky is when it involves other people because I don't want to compromise anyone else's privacy. Relationships are, of course, always the greatest source of drama. But who am I to decide what is and is not broadcast over the web? (Okay, it just occured to me to put a disclaimer on this... I am not in any way AT ALL referring to Matt and Terry. I am just talking about myself here. Maybe no one else is drawing this parallel but I want to be clear. I don't mean to in any way judge or involve myself in something going on between two of my friends, no matter how public the issue, and this is not at all aimed in their direction. This is jsut about me.)
It's a hard thing. I feel like I have not been very honest the past couple of months. Not sure if this is an improvement or a de-provement over spilling my guts online the way I did just a few months ago. I don't want to create or increase drama, but I do want people to know that I value being open and I WANT you to know what is going on with me. More importantly, I WANT to know what is going on with you. The key to opening trusting relationships is risk; I do that in sharing some pretty personal things on this blog from time to time. But I haven't recently.
All of that to say that maybe it is time. Some of these feelings have cooled more than others. You can probably tell when I present them. But here is what I am dealing with inside my head...
My brother is screwed up. Really. He does a lot of things that I hate and I can't trust him at all. But worse than that is the fact that he is not even my brother anymore. Anyone who has known me for more than a few months can attest to the fact that Daniel used to be my best friend and I was closer to him than to any other member of my family. This is not true anymore.
Tonight he had a huge (and scary) fight with my dad that turned into kind of a yelling match. I left the house and went to the gym and ran for miles; when I came home, it was over, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I really can't decide what hurts the most-- either watching the steady dissolution of a person that you love, or feeling like you don't really love them anymore, or trying to take all the harassment and criticism they throw your way. I honestly don't know what is the worst part. Tonight he, among other things, attacked my faith and made some statements about how I was "pushing church" on him. I seriously hate it when people give me this crap. I am the least offensive person I know when it comes to issues of faith. If anything I err on the side of saying too little, which is something I'm working on. But I HATE it when non-Christians point at me and, because I'm a Christian, say, "YOU ARE FORCING YOUR BELIEFS ON ME." I have never done that to anyone. I have no right or reason to force my own moral standards on the world. The way I live and the things I beleive are what I choose to believe. If someone doesn't like that or believes differently, that is their choice. I can't force them, and I don't try. ESPECIALLY about stupid legalistic things like how to act. Of all things, that is the least important thing to me.
What I feel is him projecting his own guilt onto me, and that isn't fair. I understand it and have felt the same way at times, but it still isn't fair.
There is a lot behind all of this, obviously. But the scary thing about everything that happens with him is that each time I get further and further away from love. Right now I don't feel like my brother and I will ever be able to reconcile our relationship. It sucks, and what sucks more is that I'm not sure how much I care. Part of me says, fine, be gone, stop wasting my time and energy. Stop draining my family and hurting the people that I love. Stop hurting ME.
I am ashamed to admit that, but it is the truth. It is hard to forgive people. I am learning that. I have never really been in a position requiring this much forgiveness. I'm not prepared to give it yet. I am trying really hard, but I keep coming up empty.
The only thing I can compare it to is the way I just shut down when I lost Mike. I didn't really feel anything. That is how this is. I am just progressively shutting down towards him until he goes away.

Anyway. This is honest, maybe you wanted to hear it and maybe you didn't. If you weren't at least curious you wouldn't have gotten this far. But please understand this is merely an attempt to be intentionally open with my life... if I am not sharing anything "real" with you guys (and trust me there is a lot more I could be saying) then there is no point in blogging or even being in community.

That is all for now. Tomorrow my shift starts at 5:30 am, so I need some sleep.

coming to you live from seattle

So I just woke up, and Kristin is away at class, and I am a little bored... she is coming back at 12:30, so I have to occupy myself for a couple hours. So I figured I'd write in here for a bit.
Ummmmm. So think has been a really fun trip. I have been here since Friday night. But it seems a lot longer because we packed in so much stuff on Saturday. I had breakfast at their dorm cafeteria,we went to Archie McPhee (which is this party store that has just a bunch of random things) we went shopping at the mall and went to IKEA, came home and had dinner and a Brdiget Jones marathon with her 4 roommates. Oh and ate chocolate. Later that night we visited Jon (Kristin's boyfriend) and his friend who were camping out to wait for the Nintendo Wii, which was released yesterday. (We got to play it earlier that day when we were at the mall and let me just say it is fantastic and I am in love.) They had to wait all night, of course, but we only joined them for a couple hours. We came home/went to sleep around 3:30. It was a fun day, but I was sooooooo tired.
Yesterday (Sunday) we got up early and I visited Kristin's church. It was rad. They have a really cool story about how they got their building. The pastor was basically called to move to Seattle from some midwestern state (I forget which one) and he spent a few years trying to build his church in the Seattle area. They were meeting in peoples homes because they didn't have a building. Then out of nowhere a church just gave them a building right in the perfect location. And it is beautiful.
I have to admit I was a little bit jealous when I heard that story. Plus, it sounds like they have never really had any financial difficulties, even though their church is comprised mostly of college kids and they had around 30 regular givers. I was a little jealous of that, too. But they have a really cool church. Their worship band was comprised of these super talented musicians, but they sang church songs that I knew, which was nice (I hate visiting churches and not knowing the songs). The pastor gave one of the most convicting sermons I've heard in a long time. Apparently the church is working their way through proverbs. Yesterday they were dealing with repairing broken relationships and he talked specifically about gossip, forgiveness, etc. It was crazy and hit home in every possible way. I also think it was what I needed to hear in terms of dealing with my brother...
Anyway. After church on Sunday we basically pooped out for the rest of the day... hung out with Jon for a bit, went to a coffee shop... I took two naps and still managed to fall asleep around 9:30. It was rainy and cold so it was the kind of day you want to spend inside anyway. It was quite enjoyable. We watched Sense and Sensibility and I read my book (Glass Castle, which is awesome by the way... EVERYONE should read it).
And now, having woken up, and blogged thoroughly, I should shower so that I can be ready to eat my last dorm meal when Kristin returns...
yup, I'm off.

BUSINESS TIME:

GANGSTA RAP BATTLE:

ALBI THE RACIST DRAGON:

I am off to seattle tomorrow after work. I am going to visit Kristin (and maybe spend a little time with Kess, although his parents will be in town, so I might not see him much). I am also going to be getting away from my family for a little while, which, as much as I love them, is a necessity due to the fact that there is neverending drama in this house. I need to recharge my batteries a little before I can take on a task as insane as Thanksgiving with the extended family...

I have also heard a rumor around the store that Friday is the day we get our paycheck. I really hope this is true, and if it is, then the first thing I am going to do with my paycheck is buy myself seven pairs of brand new socks.

marathon

Today I worked for eight hours (5:30am-1:0pm) and went to school for three (6:00pm-8:45pm). And studied in the in-between time. It was not a bad day; not like you'd think. I like the morning shift. It is quiet and dark outside so it is all calm and cozy inside the store. And I'm pretty sure I aced my test tonight.
However... I have been up for a good 18 hours now, and those were an active 18 hours... so I am pretty tired!
Off to sleep for me!

Iconography in the Church

Some churches oppose the use of artistic representations of Jesus or the saints because they believe it violates the second commandment. Here is what Albrecht Durer had to say about that:

"A Christian would no more be led to superstition by a picture or effigy than an honest man to commit murder because he carries a weapon by his side. He must indeed be an unthinking man who would worship picture, wood or stone. A picture therefore brings more good than harm, when it is honourably, artistically, and well made."

It seems Mr. Durer and I are in agreement on this point. Although he was an egomaniac, I have to admit he was a fantastic artist, and I loooooove his work. (This self-portrait is one of my favorite pieces... check out the detail.)

terry purcell, this post is for you

This is the kind of smartass essay I wrote in my high school AP US History class. I figured you would enjoy it since you may get something similar at some point in your journey as a high school history teacher:
(The question we were asked to answer was what was the main reason for US involvement in Vietnam. I believe. It is kind of hard to tell, since this essay has absolutely nothing to do with anything. At all.)

INTRODUCTION: Have you ever wanted to know why there is war in the world? Well, I am about to tell you.

BODY: My theory begins with female drivers and an explanation of why they are such road hazards:
When there is a mirror around, most girls cannot resist the urge to check their hair/makeup/clothes, etc. to see how they are looking. After a thorough examination of their face (estimated at 30 seconds) and hair (est. 25 seconds) they realize that their mascara is running, their lipstick is smudged, they have a bump in their ponytail, etc, etc, etc. Fixing one or more of their appearance issues takes even more time (at least 15 seconds each, and likely more). This causes some problems when girls are leaning into their rearview to reapply their lipstick, and simultaneously driving 65mph down the freeway.
In addition, feminism on the rise in America has led many women to believe that they are superior to men in several ways, one of which being that females (and females alone) possess the ability to multi-task. This may be true in some cases, for example talking and eating at the same time (which- SURPRISE!- boys can do too!) or breathing and thinking simultaneously (which only a small percentage of women can actually succeed at). But I don't care how talented and intelligent they are (or aren't, as is most often the case), it is impossible to put on mascara and drive at the same time. I have never known someone who cares enough about their makeup to apply it in the car... and doesn't care how it looks as a result. Therefore, use of a mirror is a necessity, which means that much more time spent with their eyes off the road.
The average time spent "primping" per road trip estimates at about... 1.5 minutes. The semi-intelligent women utilize time at stop lights, but the majority of the world seems to think that freeway on-ramps, railroad crossings, and especially dangerous intersections are the perfect time to fix their flyaway hair.
These unintelligent female drivers cause a significant number of automobile accidents every year, which leads the rest of the American nation to become angry and insecure when leaving the house for their morning commute. Who wants to be on the road with Malibu Barbie, especially when her brain didn't last the ride home from the toy store? As accidents are on the rise, so are incidents of a little thing we like to call "road rage", which is society retaliating against dumb blondes and their inability to drive.
Road rage has become increasingly common in the United States over the past few decades for this reason. In fact, it has become so common that it is readily accepted as a good method for population control and traffic regulation. These ideals, however, are not shared by our overseas friends, and this rage is increased when Americans travel abroad under driving conditions they are not used to, for example... driving on the left-hand side of the road in the UK, or 8-lane roundabouts in France. The sadly unintelligent traveler is pushed to violence by thoughts such as, "Why is that !@#$%^& driving straight towards me?" or "How the @#$%^&* do I get out of this @#$%^& roundabout?" Having never learned to deal with their road rage at home, it comes out with all the more force overseas. Thus you hear of British drivers beaten over the head with baseball bats by well-meaning, patriotic Americans who have simply never learned to conquer their fear of the road, or learned that road rage is not a good foreign policy.
These incidents of violence serve to generate a negative public opinion of Americans in places such as France, where we are viewed as @#$%^&*-loving pigs. As anti-American emotions percolate, the offending countries begin to look for any possible way to go to war with America, hoping to distinguish the @((@#$%^ing @#$%ers who have so perfectly interrupted the flow of peace in their hometowns.
America, quickly picking up on the debilitating hate wafting 'cross the seas, thus decides to strike first, sending over 2 million troops and an atomic bomb with hopes of "securing the peace and democracy overseas." Unfortunately, the opposing nation does not recognize this for what it is (a peace offering) and therefore proceeds to blast away the army and the bomb, expending all of their military in defeating this small force. America returns with an expanded military, more atomic bombs, and more talk of peace, only to blast away the entire nation and proceed to soak it up into its democracy-loving sponge.

CONCLUSION: Thus, all world wars can pretty much be blamed on dumb blondes.

(I don't remember what possessed me to write this, but I am no longer surprised by my near-failure of this class...)

Okay, I probably should not have posted that last post. It was deleted for privacy reasons. Sorry, and please don't spread that info around.

What to write?

I worked for 9 hours today, which was a lot. It was fun (I learned how to make drinks!!) but my neck and back are kinda sore. Also, I spilled eggnog in my shoe.
It does not smell pleasant.

A Revelation.

I have just come to a realization about why staying in Portland and going to the Art Institute has completely rocked my world. And this the realization:
The first term (actually the first couple terms, and even the first year or so) were REALLY difficult to adjust to because everybody moved and became totally involved in their respective campus lives. It sucked for me because there is literally NO campus life at the Ai. So for a long time I felt like I was really missing out on the standard college experience. In a way I still do believe that, but I didn't realize what I had traded that experience for. And now that I do, I think it's totally worth it.
In the last year, while attending school, I have made a ton of contacts (mostly through Ethnos and Ethnos-related networks) that have commissioned work from me of all types (fine arts, graphic design, digital media, etc). I have built up a substantial collection of commissioned artwork and I have learned a TON about my field. I am getting to the point now where I feel a lot of my friends respect me as a designer and are willing to promote me to others. This is such a blessing and over the past month, paying jobs (in my field, no less) have literally begun to fall into my lap. I have realized the potential to make money doing what I am trained to do.
And all of this is happening my sophomore year of college.
What I have been doing for the past year (without even realizing it) is steadily building a network and client base that could potentially support me when I graduate. I do not know how many kids my age find steady work in their fields of interest, even as unpaid interns. But I'm guessing the numbers are not that high. Not only am I working doing what I want to do, but I am successfully freelancing my design skills. That is a HUGE deal for any artist, but it is an even bigger deal for me, a college kid. I am being treated, in some of these cases, as though I am a professional in my field-- I am getting that much respect. That is freaking crazy; there is no way I have earned that.
I have literally been blessed with this beyond my comprehension and I am sooooooo thankful and excited. I would not trade these opportunities for dorm life any day.

P.S. I made a contact today that works with a chain of NPOs in the Portland area and will hopefully be interested in hiring me, Matt, or both of us to do some work for these organizations. This could be a really huge opportunity for both of us so pray that it works out!

sales tax

I am not usually vocal about political opinions but I happen to feel very strongly about sales taxes (I am against them) and about private property rights (although that is a whole different story).
So this morning in our sacred space meeting I mentioned that I was against sales taxes and no one agreed with me, which I was expecting. However when they asked me why and I responded "because implementing a sales tax hurts me," nobody seemed to think that was a valid reason for voting against them. Paul said I needed to think more holistically than that and Ashby said something along the lines of, "Whatever, she's 19." As if that somehow invalidates my opinion, I guess because 19 year olds are selfish? Or ignorant?
Anyway, since we live in a land of democracy it is my right to vote in my own best interests and I am always going to vote for what I honestly believe is the best option. Which I feel is the case with a sales tax. I don't have a very high income and right now I don't own property, so I am paying relatively low taxes. As it should be. People with large incomes who own property (like my parents) should pay higher taxes than I do. That is the way it works now, and that makes sense.
Low-income wage earners spend a larger percentage of their income than do high-income wage earners, and by implementing a sales tax, they are the ones would be most affected. (Many of these people are low-income families trying to raise children, and this would affect their ability to pay for groceries and other necessities. There are promises that only non-necessities will be taxed, but who determines what those are? The government?) So essentially it would work the opposite way our taxation system is working right now, and the rich would get richer while the poor get poorer. How does that make sense?
I think property taxes are fair. Land is not free, and people who are wealthy enough to own their own land should pay for it. It is an issue of social responsibility in my opinion. We are each held accountable in spending the wealth we are blessed with. Some are blessed with more than others. Those who are more blessed have a greater social responsibility.
I do not deny that there would be some benefits from implementing sales tax, such as tourist revenue. Also all the other states have sales taxes. I know this; but I still don't think it is the best method of taxation. Just because everyone else does it doesn't mean it is good. I still think the people it hurts most are the people who need the most help and have the lowest incomes to begin with.
So while I realize that people may disagree with my opinion, I see nothing wrong with voting in my best interests. I represent low-income wage-earners who would be negatively affected by sales tax, and there are plenty of us and some more at risk than others. If I am not going to vote for what is best for that group of people, then who will? And why shouldn't I vote my opinion? Isn't that the purpose of democracy?

artistic license

It's something artists are allowed to take only when specified or in the absence of adequate information while completing a commission (and then only after repeated requests for clarification). However, what most employers don't realize is that artistic license is often more effective than the original commission. Think about it: designers are TRAINED to create effective designs, how much sense does it really make to tell them *exactly* how to create an advertisement/art piece/whatever?
Just some food for thought. And, speaking of commissions, here is the video I just (just, early this morning) made for Brad's Passion 4 People event tonight:

there was a triple homicide this morning across the street from where we live... and i have to admit, even though the police are claiming it was not a random act of violence (and therefore the rest of the neighborhood is safe), it is still pretty freaky. we didn't know these neighbors even though one of the kids, stephen, went to my high school. the whole event is just surreal. so far no suspects but the police keep saying not to worry. i don't know, maybe you have all seen this on the news... crazy. we live in a crazy world when our neighbors are found shot to death for absolutely no reason...

yeah, i don't really have anything to say.

The Prestige

Here's an idea for all the feature filmmakers out there: stop trying to make epics. You are not the next Peter Jackson or David Lean. 130 minutes is a lot to demand even for a great movie, let alone one as predictable and ridiculous as The Prestige.


P.S. Sometimes Hugh Jackman is really hot:



And sometimes he is really not:



Funny how one bad hairstyle changes everything.

I think I am slowly outgrowing my shyness. It's nice. Today I went out for coffee with Alissa (who is totally rad by the way), and I didn't feel shy or anxious at all. It was a notably pleasant experience.
Also, I am exhausted today. Seriously. Soooooo tired.

The Cult of Artistic Genius

In the last few weeks I have become increasingly aware of the shift in thinking about art over the last 500 years. Did you know that during the High Renaissance artists were considered to be the most valued members of society? It was thought that the skill set that enabled people to be talented painters also enabled them to be excellent scientists and mathematicians. Artists were among the most highly educated and well-traveled individuals in society. Talented artists were considered to be geniuses. Literally. And in some cases, this was true (take Leonardo da Vinci for example, or Raphael, who painted murals so complex that it took the assistance of theological and philosophical scholars to decipher their meanings).
I don't know if I believe that being an artist automatically makes you a genius, although creative thinking is a higher level brain function, so a TRULY talented artist would have to be incredibly intelligent. However, it is interesting to me that we no longer treat artists as though they have so much to offer to the world. Think about it-- kids who exhibit artistic tendencies early on are often encouraged to pursue other, more practical fields. Art programs are among the first things cut from education budgets in times of crisis. Art students are not offered a higher-level education equivalent to that of their peers (in terms of academics) the way they once were.
I don't know why I am posting about this, I just find it a fascinating shift in thinking. It's not that I feel personally devalued in any way. I should clarify that lest people think I am either complaining or bragging. I am not. I am discussing society in general terms.

Most ridiculous drink order I saw yesterday: (this was the Starbucks code on the side of the cup)
DECAF
4.5 P V
NON
NF
XW
PSL
WR

Which, if you're wondering, is a grande decaf, 4 and a half pump vanilla nonfat no foam, extra whip pumkin spice latte, with room for condiments.
Dallas let me call out the order but when I put it out on the bar it took two of them to coach me through it because it was so complicated. Not sure if I remember it all the way (I'm surprised the customer even knows this stuff. Holy crap) but if it wasn't this it was something equally crazy.

I got to make a Frappucino yesterday. It was fun. And easy. So far that is the only thing I really know how to do, because I don't even know how to make regular coffee. I think they let me do it because it's almost impossible to screw it up. The only thing you can do wrong is not put the lid on tightly enough, and make a mess. (Which I did, once.)

some funny little blessings

So Jeremy got me a job working at the Starbucks branch he manages. It is perfect since it's within walking distance of our house and it will be something I can continue after I go back to school. It's only part time though, and I wanted full time, so I was praying for some other money making opportunities, and hoping for something more within my skill set (like a design job).
Now here is a cool thing that happened today at church. Justin mentioned the VisGrace video I made, and Brad said to me, "Oh Ciara, I didn't know you did videos!" I looked at him like, duh Brad. I'm in film school. Apparently he didn't know this. So we talked for a while and he said he wanted help doing videos for Luis Palau. I said, sorry, I can't volunteer my time unless I'm going to get paid for my work. He said, of course we will pay you. Probably around $500-$800. He asked for some samples of my work, and I said I would get him some, so he could show the board and they could decide whether or not they want to hire me. Then he mentioned he needs videos for something he's doing next Saturday. I offered to do the video for Saturday for free, and he can hire me based on the quality of work I do for that.
Then he said that if I do a good job and it works out for me at the Palau association, he has tons of evangelist friends that are looking for cheap video editing services. Since I have free access to amazing equipment through school, and I'm working on my own, this is basically straight profit for me, and he could get my name out to his friends.
Why this is cool, is because starting something like that and building up a client base right now puts me well on my way to being able to start my own business if I wanted to. Stuff like this spreads by word of mouth through networking with people. And it would be a pretty cool opportunity, especially doing something that I am actually trained to do.
So hopefully I don't blow that opportunity.
Also, my first day at Starbucks is tomorrow. It's just paperwork and training and stuff. But... I'm excited!

Shameless advertising

Here is a video about Visible Grace. I uploaded it for everyone so you can link it and share it with whoever you want. I think you should do it 1) because it's easy and 2) because Ashby works hard and deserves as much support as we can possibly offer...


Woody, I miss you! Thank you for reading my blog. How are things in Colorado?

pneumonia? how sweet!

Let's take a moment to discuss individual responsibility for contagious illnesses:

Last night, after school, I drove out to BCC to pick up my sister from youth group. I had been in class for three hours and I was pretty tired and wanted to get home, so when she asked if I could give her boyfriend a ride home I was already a little annoyed (never mind the fact that he didn't know how to get to his own house). I asked her why he didn't have his own ride home and she said, "Please just give him a ride! He's sick and he doesn't have a jacket."
So of course I said yes. Well, this guy gets in the car and I said something along the lines of, "So, Daniel, you're not feeling well?"
He responds with, "Yeah, I've got pneumonia."
(First thought entering my mind: OH DEAR GOD! ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS AND THROW HIM OUT OF THE CAR!) (Second thought entering my mind: Why is a little boy with pneumonia out IN PUBLIC IN LATE OCTOBER WITHOUT A JACKET?)
So I very calmly rolled down my window, pulled my jacket around my mouth and nose and said, "Pneumonia, huh? So why are you out of the house?"
My sister then turned to him with these giant puppy eyes and in her sickly-sweetest flirtatious voice ever, said, "Isn't it so sweet? He still wanted to hang out with me."
(Thought going through my head: That isn't going to be so sweet when everyone in the car gets pneumonia.)
"Ummm, don't you think that's a little irresponsible to be out with such a contagious illness?"
He shrugged (he is not a very expressive young man), and told me he had already had pneumonia seven times before. I told him I had asthma and I have had pneumonia before and did not want it again. He said he had asthma too (again: WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING A JACKET? WHY ARE YOU LEAVING YOUR HOUSE? WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE YOUR INHALOR STRAPPED TO YOUR FACE LIKE AN OXYGEN MASK???!).

My personal feeling is that people who are sick with dangerous illnesses should not leave their houses until they are through the contagious period of their illness. My sister was very mad at me later for voicing this opinion in front of Daniel, but I stand by it... plus she does not have asthma and has never had pneumonia, so she could not possibly know the full repercussions of his actions.

I really hope I don't get pneumonia this winter. Or the flu. I would die.

married...?!

To be quite honest I don't know if marriage is for me.
You know how in movies, girls get proposed to after knowing their boyfriend like 90 minutes? And when the guy pulls out the ring they're all, "Oh my god...(long emotional pause)... yes... YES!! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER ASK!!!" (after which they burst into tears and make out to the tune of the closing credits)?

I am not at all that girl. I am more likely the type of girl to go, "WHAT? YOU WANT TO GET WHAT? BUT DON'T YOU KNOW IF WE DO THAT WE WILL HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?!"

I can't sleep

Uuuugggggghhh. It is so late/early and I am so bored and so, so tired... last night I took the Rameys home from Ethnos, which means I had to load all the SS stuff I brought into their van instead of into my car like I normally do. Well, it didn't work so well because my painting got kind of trashed. So... yeah, that's fun. :(

Speaking of things that are fun... you guys will enjoy this. Here are some exact quotes from the note Mer left me for taking care of the boys:
"...Noah seems to be suffering from 4th grade attitude. He needs gentle but stern reminders to be respectful. Please don't hesitate to put him in his room for a cooldown if necessary..."
"...Evan can get upset easily. If it looks like he's close to meltdown- WATCH OUT. The best thing for him is to have some alone time in a seperate room..."
"Jonah seems to have respect issues right now. He tries to get away with whining, screaming etc. and doesn't want to listen... he usually responds to time out (even if you physically have to carry him there)..."

That made me laugh... although so far they have been behaving perfectly. No time outs necessary. :)

P.S.

...oops.

a bunch of random thoughts

First of all, I talked to my best friend and he is coming home next weekend from Corvallis (YAY! I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE HE LEFT IN SEPTEMBER). So we are going to get to spend some time together. It's going to be a busy weekend, but I am really excited to see him since it's been so long. So, I will make time.

Next, I am really excited about what I am studying right now, and I have been thinking about asking Renata (my history professor) if I can do an independent study on the history of art and the church. I was just talking to the hermeneutics group last night about how I haven't written a paper in almost a year (writing used to be one of my passions, before I discovered all this other stuff). But this stuff I am studying actually motivates me to research these topics and even attempt to bring them up in normal conversation (this doesn't go over very well because most people find this stuff really boring).

Here is what this has made me think. The position that I am in right now at Ethnos is that I am serving on a team that comes up with ways to creatively respond to teaching. This is, essentially, a position leading worship, not unlike what Paul does with music. I think this type of creative response is intertwined with postmodernism and I think it will expand in the coming years to become a significant part of worship gatherings in the Christian Church.
Now, one thing Paul has always said to everyone is that a strong Biblical knowledge is essential for leading worship. I think that is so true, because in order to worship, it requires we understand (at least a little, obviously not completely) the God we are worshipping and why he deserves it.
Now, if you think of creative reponse as an aspect of worship, it only makes sense that any leader participating in creative response should also be well-educated for the same reasons the musical worship pastor would need to be.
I think it's possible that in some churches this could create a third pastoral position (not that there are always two, but I'm going with the model of what we are doing at Ethnos). So, if we didn't have the team, it would make sense to hire someone to fill this "creative response" leadership role.
The reason why I bring this up and why I've been thinknig about it is that I believe this is important and I also think it is something I could do, down the line. Obviously there is a team to fill this role at Ethnos, and that is the main way I serve there. But, honestly, there are a ton of things under the umbrella of creative response that could use more structured and detailed leadership. For example, one of the things we have really wanted to develop is an appreciation for fine arts and their meaning in worship (paintings, drawing, sculpture, etc). In my opinion this hasn't really taken off yet, because there haven't been a lot of artists interested in sharing their skills with the community. I am working on how to encourage people in that respect. There is also a film and photography team that hasn't happened because of much the same reason. Getting these things off the ground is supposed to be a piece of my role in the church. But sometimes this seems like a bigger job, one that could easily be a full-time worship position.
I guess what I am saying is, I see this as a new area for ministry and through Ethnos my eyes are being opened to it. It is something I have really developed a passion for. Through that I am slowly learning the complexity of how we worship and respond to God, and why that response needs to be based on Biblical truths and not human emotion.

I feel like none of this has made sense at all, and I can't really pick out the right words to describe what I think or how I feel (this is one of the downsides to being me... ugh). I am working on putting together some material on the value of art/creativity in worship that Paul and I are (hopefully) going to talk about when he gets back. That is my first step in involving more people in art and film in the church. But yeah... hopefully when I write that stuff down it comes out more articulately (?) than all of this has.

Why does it seem like things always make more sense in my head?

Dear Ethnos family,
I am linking your blogs and myspaces from my myspace to get people interested. If this bothers you let me know and I will take you off. Go look.

frustrated...

Ugh.
So I have been trying to help Brad get the Stations of the Cross together for his conference next week. And I am SO CLOSE, I just need one or two more things and I can pass it off to him compeletely. But the problem is, no one knows where these things are. I have asked every person I can think of, including (and not limited to): Justin, Paul, Mer, my mom, Ashby, and various other people involved in the initial planning. Paul, Ash and I waded through piles of crap perched precariously on top of one another in the storage room. Paul got so excited I thought he was going to fall off a stack of boxes and hurt himself. But, no luck. Still missing.
My only hope now is Todd, but I haven't been able to get a hold of him yet. And if I don't then I am stuck trying to figure out some way to recreate this stuff (which I might have to do anyway even if I do talk to him because, let's face it, with our luck, the files were probably all on Justin's crashed laptop).
Anyway. It is just frustrating. I hope I hear back from him soon so I can stop worrying about following through on this.

#1 Most Played

According to itunes, I have listened to the song "Everything Zen" over 40 times. It's not so great of a song that it deserves that much play time (especially considering that this doesn't include the times I listened to it on cd/in my car). The only other things that even come close are albums that I accidentally left on repeat overnight.

What is your #1 played song? Anyone?

this man is a HORRIBLE person

(not borat)

frog attack

Last night as I was walking out of my door, seven or eight frogs hopped right across my path (one even on my shoes). They were literally only inches from my front door, and I am convinced they wait there for someone to open the door so that they can hop inside. I know people don't believe this so I took a picture to prove it. Four or five of them hopped away, but three stayed right next to the door for later attacks. They are the ones in this picture.
This is part of the reason I hate fall: there are more frogs in fall than any other season. They are hopping around everywhere all the time. I hate it!
I promise you guys, this "frog infestation" I joke about is actually real!

what the... ?

Right now I am studying the use of symbolism in Early Rennaissance art in Northern Europe. This piece is Robert Campin's Merode Altarpiece and it is a depiction of the Annunciation. That means the Angel Gabriel is here telling the virgin Mary that she is going to bear the Christ child. (Ironically, Mary doesn't seem to care too much, but that is another story...)
Let me just say, before I make fun, that this is an amazing piece of art with some unique symbolism and incredible depth (note the hyper-realism: it actually shows more details that the human eye is capable of perceiving all at once, making it more impressive than a photograph... although, admittedly, Campin's perspective could use a bit of work).
However. My favorite part of the painting (and something that I can't help but laugh at) is the teeny tiny, cross-toting naked baby Jesus flying through the air in a ray of sunshine. Can't see him? Click on the picture and look at the figure above Gabriel's wing.

PLEASE someone do this with me!

The Bodies Exhibition is on display right now in Seattle up until the end of December. For those of you who don't know, they basically took a bunch of human bodies, dissected them, preserved them, and positioned them in a bunch of different positions. You can see all the organs and all kinds of cool stuff.
Anyway, I really want to go drive up there one day and check it out, is anyone interested in making the trip up there with me to see this? (please?)

...It won't come back to the northwest for a long, long time!

I WILL END YOU

So my little sister hangs out with this guy I don't really like (Brent). Don't get me wrong, he is a cool kid, but he treats my precious little sister like crap-- and I am not cool with that. His recent thing has been juggling a relationship with two seperate girls (one of whom is my sister). He leads her on and pretends like he likes her until the other girl is interested in him, then he drops her. Not cool.
Anyway, a month or so ago he invited my sister to homecoming at his school. Apparently he had also invited this other girl (who, I should mention, my sister doesn't really like, for obvious reasons). The dance is this saturday and my sister designed and sewed her own dress for it.
Little did we all know that he not ONLY invited my sister, he invited morgan (the other girl) as well. Somehow he thought it would be ok, the three of them going together. Well, clearly it didn't work. Morgan threw a hissy fit and Brent, being the dumb guy he is, called my sister and un-invited her to the dance so that he could go with morgan.
Anyway, I am done being tolerant of this kid. My sister has been moping around the last few days, depressed. And I swear that if I see Brent again, he is going to get quite an earful from me (if not a swift kick in the ass).

In other news, my brother announced today that after a night of sleeplessness and prayer, he has finally decided to stop smoking pot. Forgive my skepticism, as I know this is a good first step, but I have heard this announcement several times in the past few years. It's hard to get excited about something I don't really believe.
Also, he is postponing moving out indefinitely.

weird al/seattle/how NOT to flirt:

Okay. I will post something.
I spent the weekend in Seattle visiting Kess and Kristin at SPU. It was a very college-y weekend. It was a little surreal being in an actual college environment since Ai is anything but. There were people my age! In fact, pretty much everyone in that part of town was my age. Crazy. Except for Jade, I have not seen another 19-year-old in months.

Um. This term I am taking art history from gothic to neoclassism. So far it is amazing. Yet another subject I could easily major in, if I had a million lifetimes in which I could major in every possible field. I love it. So far we have studied a lot of Christian art and architecture (due to the Crusades which coincided with the Gothic period, most surviving artwork was Christian). It is sad that we are missing similar pieces from other faiths. How dumb.

Also. There is a ridiculously hot guy in this class. I noticed him the first day of class, which happened to be the day I was sick and decided not to wear makeup or brush my hair. I was wearing jeans and this giant Red Sox jacket I got from Kristin, and I looked like poo... anyway, I ALWAYS get comments about this jacket and I am not a fan at all. I don't really know anything about baseball. I didn't even know it was a red sox jacket until the red sox were in the world series my senior year, and someone pointed it out to me.
Anyway. I was wearing this jacket and was walking by the hot guy in the hallway during our break. He smiled at me (gorgeous smile by the way) and said, "So, are you from Mass?"
I was feeling a mixture of excitement at the fact that he was talking to me and confusion because I had no idea what he was saying. I smiled back my cutest possible I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about smile, and asked, "What?"
He repeated the question. I was frantically trying to think of what this sentence could possibly mean. For some reason it occured to me he must have been thinking he knew me from somewhere else. So what did I say?
"Oh... no. I'm not even Catholic."
...Boy did I feel retarded when he started laughing at me. "No, I meant, are you from Massachusetts? I'm from Boston."
I managed to shake my head and blush all the way to my ears before hurrying away in embarrassment. Man, I am so smooth.

(Later that same day, my friend Louis asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated, and I said "become an independent doctormentarian.")

I guess people will have to take my word for it that I'm smart, because I certainly have a hard time showing it.





P.S. Angie, you are probably right about the frogs orchestrating the jar incident. I would not be surprised in the slighest. I will have you know I had two very close (and very horrifying) encounters with large frogs this afternoon. The rainy seasons are the worst for frogs because them jump out of their little holes when they flood, and come up on the sidewalk (and into your houses). Watch out for them!

I am too busy to blog.
It sucks.

9 things that can make you dumber:

Some of these you may know; others you may not. This is a list of 9 things that can lower your IQ, either temporarily or permanently:

1) You weighed less than 5.5 lbs at birth (3 points)
2) Expose to secondhand smoke (4 points)
3) Smoking pot (4 points)
4) Sleep deprivation (5 points)
5) You left high school before your junior year (6 points)
6) You cried constantly as a baby (9 points)
7) Your pregnant mother took aspirin several times a week (10 points)
8) You constantly use IM or your BlackBerry (10 points)
9) You were born into poverty (14 points)

I am guilty of 4,6, and 8, which adds up to... a lot of points. If I had all those points, maybe I could be a genius (I don't know that for sure; the IQ points I lost were the ones that would have enabled me to do basic addition). Oh, the things that could have been.
And how ironic that text messaging actually makes you just as dumb as smoking pot AND dropping out of high school COMBINED. Terry, I'm sure you will get a kick out of that.

I am going to add as #10 blows to the head, because I am now significantly dumber than I was yesterday.

**The information in this post was collected by WIRED magazine, which is almost as true as the Bible, with exception to the article they recently published entitled "10 Reasons Keanu Rules".

ouch

I just had a glass jar break over my head. It fell off a shelf and onto my head. It hurt really bad. I am tired now but my mom told me not to go to sleep, so I am blogging to keep myself awake.

I don't really have anything to write about. Lately I have not been that excited about blogging. even if i write i don't read other peoples' very much, which makes me feel bad.

Ouch! my head hurts. I wish i had made cookies earlier because i want one right now.

Quake: the recap

So, I was planning on writing about this before now and since I didn't I don't remember what all I would have said. I'm not going to repeat anything because matt already said a lot about the conference on his blog.

So what I will say is this: I really enjoyed helping out at the Quake conference this past weekend, and I felt God moving through everything. It was a unique experience for me, I think, because I kind of fell within the target age group (it was supposed to be for junior high--college kids). So even though I was helping out, I still felt like I had a bit of a different perspective in terms of the way everything went, and it did have some kind of impact on me spiritually, although many of the themes didn't apply personally.
What I kept thinking all day on Saturday as I watched these kids respond with stories about painful family relationships was I am so thankful for my parents. As I was putting the prayer stations together, one verse really stuck in my mind: "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."
The whole day I could not get that verse out of my head. I thought about the heartbreaking reality that some of these kids have lived through. I was so aware that this was not the case for me, and the gratefulness for that incredible blessing just shook me. During the last session, they asked for teenagers with christian parents to gather and lay hands on kids without christian parents and pray for them. I had th eopportunity to pray with an amazing girl whose father and stepmother don't know Christ. My heart broke for her, and it reminded me of my friend Caitie, whose atheist father died this last summer.
I don't know how to describe the reality that settled in me at that moment. But it was one of thankfulness coupled with painful conviction, and the understanding that I have not been blessed for my own benefit, but I have been blessed so that I may bless others. It definitely shook me. I feel foolish for not having grasped that concept before, but I am so glad that it sunk in the way it did.

On the other side of things, it was awesome to feel involved and to see the level of work that goes into these things. I was very impressed by the entire band, but especially by Joel. I sat with him in the sound booth for the better part of the sessions. Honestly, I don't know how he does all that he does. Between the two of us we managed to complete all the crazy tasks Mike threw at him last minute. But it was still hectic back there, and yet Joel was calm throughout everything.
I was so glad to be able to serve with Joel because he has such an amazing attitude and such a servant's heart. I hope for his sake that he has some help lined up for the next conferences, because it was WAY more than a one-man job. The only time he showed even a hint of how difficult his work was, was when Paul dismissed the students. Joel leaned his head back on the pew behind him and happily said, "It's over," closed his eyes for like two seconds, sighed, and then got up and started tearing down the equipment. I was amazed.
As for relationships, I feel like the sacred space team really bonded over this whole conference. Paul and I had some pretty good talks about the team and at one point, as he was thanking us for coming, he said, "It feels like my family is here." I was really touched by that because it felt so true. It made me realize how much we have grown together in that we look out for each other and truly care about each other. Even Jeremy, who just joined the team a couple weeks ago, has already become part of the family. It was a good realization.
We also had to opportunity to meet and train some amazing (AMAZING) women in the Tri-Cities. They were helpful, joyful, efficient and some of the nicest people I have ever met. They are going to do a great job with the creative planning for the rest of the conferences, and I was blessed by spending time with them.

I guess that is all I can say about it for now. I would say so much more but it would be hard to explain the rest anyway. Overall I came away with an appreciation for the ways God has blessed me in my family, both at home and with ethnos.

I got frustrated almost immediately after sitting down to type this because so many ideas came into my head that seemed so unrelated. However, the more I thought about these things, the more they became tied together.
If I were to sum up what is going on, I would say that I am finally being convicted about my lack of humility and my frequently self-righteous way of thinking. The conviction has led me to finally realize how much this wrong way of thinking has permeated my life.
I have many thoughts to share on this topic, and will probably do so later this week... right now I am still too frazzled to begin to explain.

Also, the plaster is coming off of my faith painting because I haven't yet had a chance to varnish it, and it doesn't like traveling back and forth to Ethnos every week. So that is high on my list of priorities tomorrow, because today when I picked it up to bring it to church the thumb fell off on one hand.
Now that is quality artwork. About as fragile as a wet paper towel.

P.S. Kristin, I am coming to visit you on Thursday, and we are going to see the Paul Allan art exhibit on display at the EMP because I heard you can see original gaugins and monets and the cost is only $8/person. Also... I hear the Dead Sea Scrolls are on display somewhere up there?

Quake--Teamwork--My little sister

Okay, so the last few days have been a crazy whirlwind of activity trying to get everything together for Quake. I think there was a lot more work there than I had initially realized. Maybe if I could go back in time I would change things so it didn't require that magnitude of work.
The thing is, we are supposed to be going up and training another sacred space team. I want to show them the best that the Ethnos Sacred Space team can do. I take pride in our work and am passionnate about the way we serve in the church. I also love every member of our team. If we can relate that sense of team and worship to another group of people, and share that with them, that will be awesome. I am excited for that opportunity.
Still, even for that, this was a TON of work. What makes it harder is that everyone was so busy around this time. With your friends (with a true team) you are more willing to pick up where other people leave off, to cut people slack, to take on more than your share here and there because you care about the people you are working with. And you don't want them to be overstressed. If I didn't care about the team at Ethnos I don't think I would have put so much work into this conference.
Guys, if you're reading this, consider it a labor of love.

I wasn't last night, but when I woke up this morning I was excited. I feel like we have a great opportunity here. My sister is riding up with me to attend this conference, and I am stoked for that. I am looking forward to spending some quality time with her, and getting her better introduced to the team. She is going to help us set up and everything. I think this is important for her because I feel like she could really be serving and getting involved if responsibility was given to her. She is a lot like me, and could take on most of the ministry responsibilities I have at Ethnos. I think it would be awesome if she could get more involved there. She would really love helping out with something like sacred space. She is a VERY talented artist (MUCH more so than I was at her age). But shy. Like me.
Also, I know how conferences like this can impact middle school and high school kids. I am praying for something like that with my sister.

Okay. I should go take a shower and pack up the car... that's all I have to say right now. Pray for everyone this weekend!

Yikes.

I got so much done!

Today was such a productive day!
It feels good to bump a few things off my to-do list.

Also-- School starts on Wednesday.
I got a letter in the mail today from the Dean, and it informed me I am in fact working toward a BS and NOT a BFA. I am pleased; I never wanted a BFA. I think for my particular field of interest a BS will get me much further.
Ahhh... I love science.

P.S.
(I know everyone is going to laugh at me or roll their eyes and go "This girl has problems." But I have to write about this.)
Today as I was working in the office I noticed there was some gross ball of fuzz on the floor. Although there was absolutely no reason to think it, I had the fleeting worry, "what if that's a dried frog?" (I have thoughts like this because I am crazy. I cannot prevent them, but I try to ignore them when they come up.)
So, instead of indulging my fears, I continued on with what I was doing at that particular moment, and when I was finished, leaned over to throw away the fuzz.
But in that moment my worst fears were realized, as it was in fact a dried-up frog lying on its back. Don't worry, I didn't touch it. I gasped and ran out of the room, went and found my brother, and asked him to take care of it for me. I couldn't go back into the office until I knew it was gone.
Even after that I was grossed out, and as I sit here I can't help but wonder if there are other frogs in this room.
Perhaps this was the frog that tormented me last week when I was trying to do my Bible study? If so, I am pleased that nature got its sweet revenge.

...I think I need therapy.

Let me be the first to personally welcome you into the month of Auctiontober. I would have done so yesterday, but I was not feeling up to the challenge.
This is how Auctiontober goes: everyone is stressed. When I say "everyone" I primarily mean my friends on the Sacred Space Team, all of whom are to the point of pulling out their hair and having spontaneous meltdowns. However, I assume this trend will prove itself for the rest of the church and our friends outside the church as well.
Why is October such a busy month? I don't know. All I know is, day #2 and I'm already wishing it were over. I don't even have an auction like Ashby does, a GIANT presentation like Doug does, two conferences to lead like the Paul Ramey Band does, etc.
I'm a little frustrated with myself because I expected to have found a job right now, and I'm so busy with other things that I haven't even gotten myself together enough to really start looking.
(Okay... Mike Thibedeaux just called me TWICE in the time it took me to type that last paragraph. And right after that he paged me his number. And he left two messages. I don't really have anything to say to him and I know if I answer my phone I will be caught up in a conversation that lasts, like, 45 minutes (at the least). I told him to wait until Tuesday for the video stuff he asked me for and I'm betting he wants to "check in" on that again...)
Ugh.
The point is, welcome to October. Everyone is really stressed, so please pray for us all. Pray that October will end really really soon.
Thanks.

today, my asthma has decided, is a good day to try and strangle me.

ashbyduck (9:40:24 PM): (jenn is buying tickets to a michael w smith concert. what should i do?)
audioangel2 (9:40:31 PM): OH NO
audioangel2 (9:40:36 PM): INTERVENE.
ashbyduck (9:40:44 PM): HOW?!
audioangel2 (9:40:54 PM): is she doing it on the computer?
audioangel2 (9:41:00 PM): THROW THE COMPUTER OUT THE WINDOW

rough draft

Haha. Thank you all for your photoshop advice/sympathy! When I tried it again this morning it worked perfectly (I think in my sleepiness I may have been forgetting to hold down the control key to trim my path). Jenn, good advice though on the magic wand tool. I didn't think of that, and it would have been REALLY easy to do it that way.
Anyway:



This is the first draft of the layout for our new (ETHNOS-ized) Basic Discipleship studies. We are starting each section off with a story from someone in the community, thus the photo and parchment graphic. The rest is pretty basic and just filler for right now until I build more graphics. I want to create some sort of watermark for the pages, but I haven't gotten to doing that yet... (I threw in a celtic knot graphic in the basic idea of what I want to do, but hopefully it's a lot cooler than that).
When it's printed we'll probably print it on recycled paper so it will have a creamy-looking background instead of white.
Oh, and don't bother trying to read the text... it's just filler and it's all in latin anyway.

I found this Napolean Dynamite review on the rotten tomatoes website:
"In a way, I find this movie similar to Lost in Translation. It's totally boring with zero purpose, zero message and yet, a segment of those who did like it point at those of us who didn't and say, "oh you're just to shallow to get it." Well yeah, you're right. I DON'T get boring movies. Maybe only dull people can relate to dull movies."

Haha... I actually don't mean to offend anyone who liked these movies, but they were both the epitome of boringness to me, so I find this review very amusing...

School for Scoundrels has gotten really bad reviews. I am disappointed; I wanted it to be funny.

I HATE PHOTOSHOP.

Seriously. I am trying to build graphics for our Basic Discipleship studies and my pen tool WON'T WORK, so when I go to load elements from Photoshop into InDesign all of the scratch area shows up. It is a problem because I want this parchment to be the background and then I'm going to build elements on top of it... but when I have all the white space showing up they won't work together.
I want to cut out the scratch area but my pen tool is MAKING ME CRAZY.
ALSO. This is supposed to be done in Duotone but for whatever reason I can't change the color mode??? AHHHHH. PHOTOSHOP, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KICK SOMEONE.
I KNOW that I know how to solve this problem, and at the very least I have it written somewhere or in my textbook, but I'm probably past the point of productivity tonight, so I quit...

I need a new Bible. My old Bible is falling apart (I've used it since I was 12). Literally, it is duct-taped together and even with that the maps are still falling out of the back.
I've been saving up for a new one, but I'm still $10 from the goal, and it's one of those things that gets shoved to the back burner when a more immediate need comes up (such as buying gas or groceries or whatnot). It feels like I will never get all the way to having enough money all at the same time.
Anyway... that is what I am thinking of right now.

Deputy Mikhail Gerba

After a columnist in the Oregonian posted a story about Deputy Gerba and the Lukus Glenn shooting (remember... he is the deputy who helped my family this summer), my mom wrote a letter to the editor explaining our family's story. The thing is, it was a similar situation, and events like this can destroy a police officer's career because of bad publicity and self-doubt.
The editor called my mom to ask if she could publish the story, and I think it is going to run in tomorrow's paper, so look for it.
My dad also wrote a letter to Mikhail Gerba, thanking him for the help he gave my family, and offering to do whatever he could to help him (be it releasing a public statement, testifying in a trial, whatever). He also mentioned he was praying for him. Gerba routed the letter to the rest of the Washington County Police Department for encouragement, and the sheriff called my dad yesterday to thank him for his prayers and for offering to help.
What I just realized today (this information brought me to tears) was that this man was supposed to go on vacation the next day after the night they found my brother. Because of an error on the part of the Tillamook PD, my brother was checked into the hospital in Tillamook voluntarily (which means he could check himself out at any time). The deputy offered to postpone his vacation to drive to Tillamook himself to pick up my brother and safely transport him to a hospital in Portland, where he could be checked in by the officer so that he would be incapable of checking himself out until he was declared healthy by trial. This turned out not to be necessary, but it was such a selfless offer that I can't help but be touched.

I don't know why I am sharing all of this. It is kind of emotional to talk about. But I feel like since he did so much for us, my family should really return the favor by doing as much as possible to help him.

it's addictive

I love the new version of itunes! I love the jukebox-esque slider that shows all the album covers.
I am missing a lot of the album info though, so I had to go back and fill in a bunch of it. It's one of those things that is pointless and a waste of time but still addictive and somehow gratifying. I love it when the black box goes away and turns into pretty album art.

Hmmm.

Today was my dad's birthday, and next wednesday is my mom's birthday. They are both turning 47 this year. Don't tell them I told you how old they are, but do say happy birthday when you see them next.

my brother is moving out, and i am happy

At the moment I don't really feel like being mature about this, so I'm just gonna say it like it is and people can draw whatever conclusion they deem appropriate.
My brother is a big effing jerk and I don't like living with him at all. This entire summer has been one shit storm after another, and the majority of it has been entirely his fault because of his immaturity and inability to put ANYTHING AT ALL before his own personal happiness. I have watched my entire family suffer through his mood swings, his substance abuse, his irresponsible behavior, etc this summer to try and support him. Not only does he not accept our support he actually treats us poorly in response to all of our love and sacrifice.
Tonight at the dinner table, he yelled at me, cussed me out, and told me to shut up because he didn't like the topic of conversation we had brought up. Basically my mom asked him to let us know when he was going to be coming home on nights he goes out partying. This seems like a fair request on our part because of the way this summer has gone and the level of anxiety that accompanies any of his extended trips out of the house. If he isn't where he says he is going to be when he says he will be there, we all panic a little. It is inescapable.
His response to my mom (which was said in a really disrespectful tone) was, "You can always call me." I pointed out that nobody wants to call him at 2 or 3 in the morning, and it really would just be easier if he told us where he was going/when he'd be back before he left.
Then, he yelled at me to shut up, said, "What the fuck do you think you are, my mom? You're not my mom!" My parents both immediately told him to simmer down but he kept just yelling at me and cussing me out so finally I said, "I think you are a jerk," and got up and walked away.
As I was walking away, my mom pointed out that he really has been a jerk lately (let me remind everyone here of the facts, they are as follows:
1. in the past week, my brother has ditched me (with absolutely no warning) more than three times. when confronted he makes no response or apology.
2. my brother is an alocoholic/stoner, and as such literally incapable of carrying on an interesting conversation. i avoid speaking to him whenever possible because he has a tendency to fly off the handle for no reason and insult/demean the people he is talking to.
3. his behavior is disrespectful to everyone else in the house and can even be dangerous. for example, when i came home from church tonight he had left a pizza in the oven and gone out. he had left the house with the oven on and something inside of it. how stupid do you have to be to do something like that?
4. let us not forget that after having attempted suicide earlier this summer, he now goes out at all times of day and night without informing anyone of his whereabouts. he does not answer his cell phone or respond to messages until he feels like it. this worries everyone in our family. again, when confronted he makes no apology.
5. lastly, his response to this conversation is not out of character because it is pretty much how he responds to anything he doesn't want to hear. cuss the person out and tell them to shut up. they won't fight him back because he's sick and has low self esteem).
He made no response after that, and we finished our meal without talking to him. When he excused himself from the table my mom apologized to me.
I am so tired of him, though. I just don't want him around anymore. After all the things I have done for him, for my brother to treat me the way he does is just disrespectful and wrong.
I don't believe moving out will be good for him. He is incapable of caring for himself in even the most basic way. I worry that he will hurt someone else with his irresponsible behavior.
But I am glad he is moving out so I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore. And neither does the rest of my family. If he doesn't want my support, fine. I am more than happy not to offer it to him.

It is sad; this is my brother and I'm supposed to love him no matter what. But I have honestly never known someone to disappoint me and dismiss me more than he has, and I'm tired of it. I'm so freaking tired of him.

I knwo this is probably not the response God wants me to have but right now I just don't care.

ACSS, for your enjoyment

Since no one responded in the positive (except for you, Terry) I can only assume you don't know what I'm talking about (or that you don't read my blog, or that you don't like them and don't want to crush me... two possibilities that I will ignore).
So here are a couple Afro Celt videos. They mix African and Celtic sounds (thus the name). WHICH in my opinion is genius, because I love both, and they make a really cool sounding mix.
So here are two videos... the first is featuring Peter Gabriel, the second Sinead O'Connor (who I love!!!!!!)





My favorite part of all Irish music is the bodhran. It is a traditional Irish drum that I think has the coolest sound ever. We have one and when I went through my drum phase I used to play it a lot... the end result being that it is now broken and unplayable.
Maybe I should just buy a new one. Bodhrans are way cool in my opinion. There is a guy playing one in the second video and he is a total BAMF. Like how I could be, if only I had a sweet bodhran....
If only...

Afro Celt Sound System

Does anyone else like them? Because I think they're genius.

the light at the end of the tunnel

This is my favorite painting ever.
For a while after my Buddhist phase (and before I came to Ethnos) I was shopping around for churches, and I went to the Bridge pretty regularly for about 6 months or so. I really liked the worship there because it was so honest and raw. One of the things was that they let everyone do art during the services.
It was very different than what we do at Ethnos. They had tables covered in butcher paper, and tempera paint, and sometimes I couldn't even find brushes.
Anyway, the day I painted this was a particularly bad day in my world. I remember feeling really hopeless and lost, and praying that God would somehow help me find a way out of the darkness (thus the subject matter... and caption).
They had laid out pieces of foamcore all over the floor and told people to paint if they wanted to. However it was so dark in the club that I couldn't see what I was doing at all, and since I couldn't find a paintbrush, I used my hands and what I thought was black, red and white paint. It wasn't until I got outside that I realized it was purple.
Anyway, the reason I like it so much is that it pretty much sums up the way my head worked during that time of my life. And I remember the passionniate worship that day and having my hands in paint up to my elbows...

Another funny thing is that I was so shy, I pretty much ran out of the service afterward, and wouldn't show the painting to anyone (even my dad when he came to pick me up), so it sat in the drum room for a year and a half, until just now when I fished it out.

for you, Lindgren:

This isn't the one I was talking about, but it is almost as bad.

You make me wanna.... flip.

He is kinda cute though.

blessings for the church

There are different ways of looking at situations life throws your way. You can learn from them or you can be frustrated by them. Usually it's a little of both. Lately God has been teaching me some pretty cool stuff through the church, though.
I know the budget crisis for Ethnos is not a good thing. But I do think it has had some positive effects on our community. Justin shared how he has been in prayer more lately than ever before. I have been learning a lot about conserving money through sacred space stuff.
It is not that I spent a lot of church money before, or anything. I've always tried to be cautious about buying stuff for the church. But lately I have been more cautious than ever because there is literally no money at all to spend.
What it takes is a lot of creative thinking about how we are going to make things happen. Which, in my opinion, is a good thing that we miss out on when we have a budget and things come easily. I know from experience in art and film that usually the best things happen when you are forced to do something creative to make up for materials you don't have. This looks like using a wheelchair for tracking shots in El Mariachi or reusing old canvases for paintings. Things like that.
Now... a couple of pretty sweet things have happened in the past couple days that prove this point. The studio team has been helping put together some sacred space stuff for the upcoming Quake conference that the PRB is serving at. We have no budget for this either, but a lot of work to do, so we've been trying to find ways to get everything done on time and for cheap/free.
One of the things I had to do was get together a bunch of verses on parchment paper and matboard. We have no more parchment paper, so I went to the store where we got the first batch (for cheap). The store was closed, so I had to get creative. I ended up finding a whole ream of paper for under $7, which is more than enough for the conference. But I was still worried about finding so much matboard. Matboard is really expensive. I figured I would just have to look for some really cheap somewhere and conserve it as best I could.
Well, I went to craft warehouse to see if there was something I could use (they have low prices), and I found a whole stack of like 30 or 40 pieces of recycled cardboard sitting on the floor in the aisle. It was perfect-- exactly the sizes I needed and plenty of it, because they were the cardboard inserts that come in the back of a ream of cardstock. I took them to the front counter and explained where I had found them and asked if I could buy them for cheap (the store usually just recycles them). After some haggling the clerk decided to give them to me for free!
It was so much better than my original plan because it took so much less work to put everything together, and the whole thing ended up costing only $7. Plus, I know for the future how and where to get those materials for much, much cheaper than we've gotten them in the past.
The next blessing was that we were looking for a whole bunch of cardboard to put together some stuff for the stations. I had called around to find somewhere I could pick up free refrigerator boxes, but the closest place was in SE Portland, so I had decided not to do it today. I went instead to pick up my sister from school. She goes to school in downtown Beaverton, and I sat waiting for her in the parking lot, I thought to myself "You know, the recycling center is right down the street, maybe there is some cardboard there?".
She and I went by the center, and I was planning on basically dumpster diving, seeing if there was anything usable I could salvage. As we pulled into the parking lot it started raining, and I thought, "great, all the cardboard will be soggy now". Then we saw a truck pulling in and a man unloading huge cardboard crates.
I went over and asked him if I could take the crates (he was lifting them on a forklift). He goes, "Lady, these boxes are the size of your car, there is no way you can take them home with you. Plus, they're full of cardboard."
I asked him if I could look around inside them, and he agreed. What was in there was HUGE pieces of cardboard EXACTLY THE SIZE I NEEDED. My sister and I completely loaded our car with as much as we could, and just in time. We managed to get all of the cardboard into the car while it was still dry (it was protected from the rain by being stacked inside the box).
So, my point in writing all of this, is that God is good in the small things. These two things, even though they are not all that important in the grand scheme of life, saved me a lot of time and money this week. And I am really thankful for that, because if we had had a huge budget, I probably would not have tried these options. I would probably have bought cardboard and matboard and expensive parchment somewhere else, thinking I was saving myself time, and actually just making more work for the team.
So I hope these lessons stick with me even if our budget troubles change (and I really hope they do). Because it is good to know that what I think is the easiest way actually may not be, and God blesses us when we are faithful and good stewards of the what he has already given us....