excited

Welllll... tomorrow is my big day. At 3 pm I have an interview with a (different) store manager who will decide whether or not I am ready for a promotion. I have been working toward this interview since June so I'm really excited but also really nervous. I want this promotion pretty badly. I think I would be good at the position I'm interviewing for. Maybe even higher up, later on.
Starbucks has been surprising but a good work experience for me. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do or that there would be so many opportunities for me there. Initially I thought of it as just part-time, temporary employment. But I think I will pursue it for a while. One of my assistant managers commented to me the other day that she thinks I am "management material". It was a really nice compliment and it made me think.
I have never really had a job with a corporate structure like Starbucks... but I really like it. The way forward is always very clear. I work well in a system where I am given expectations to fulfill. If I know what needs to be done, I will do it, and generally to the best of my ability. So in that sense I think the corporate environment is a good fit for me, because I always know what's expected of me and what I can expect.
Anyway. Blah blah blah. I'm a little rambly because I'm nervous. It's been a weird and stressful week... starting with last Saturday night. But a couple months' worth of work is culminating in tomorrow afternoon/evening, so I'm really excited.
I am (also) a little nervous about the coffee tasting seminar Nate and I are teaching tomorrow night. I have put a lot into planning it, but I have no idea how many people will come. At first I was worried no one would show up, but I really don't think that is the case. I have spent all week giving people (family, friends, regulars, random customers, co-workers, etc) personal invites to this thing. I just hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew... I'm afraid too many people will show up and I will be overwhelmed.
I've been practicing the last couple days doing coffee tastings with my coworkers. It's been a while since I've done one for work so this week I tried all the new ones (Ubora, Joya Del Dio, and Anniversary Blend... Ubora is the best in my opinion, but I really like East African coffees). Anyway, I was going through the steps with my coworker today and she got really impressed (she's new) and asked me how long I'd been working for Starbucks. Then she said I'd make a good teacher. Which I'm really glad she said, because it put me at ease about tomorrow...

Anyway. I'm kind of a dork, especially about work. I just wanted to talk a little before I go to sleep... hopefully my jabbering will make me sleepy.
Who knows.

My aunt and cousin just got here from afghanistan... they moved back home a year early because of family stuff. They've been living in afghanistan for 12 years now, so nearly all of my life that I can remember. I'm glad to have them here (despite the circumstances) because they are my favorite family members.
We are going to have dinner with them tonight in newberg. I haven't seen them in over a year, so I'm excited.

From the archives

Saturday, July 01, 2006

i want to slap my little sister. hard.
i don't think she realizes the entire world does not revolve around her. i hate how smart she is and how smoothly and carelessly she manipulates everyone around her. i wonder if she cares about anything besides herself. i would like to think she does but so far every single time i've given her the benefit of the doubt she lets me down.
like everyone.
it makes me sick to think how much i've tried to do for her the past week. she is such a liar.
it scares me how mad i am at her right now.

there is no part of me, no secret hidden place in the innermost depths of my soul, where i can even begin to fathom acting the way my siblings have been acting over the past couple of weeks. I CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND IT. I cannot even comprehend actually responding to them in the way that I really want to. I am not so selfish that I am incapable of putting aside my own anger and letting them work through their shit.
because hey. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

but, seriously.
get the picture, guys.
we play as a team.
it doesn't work if you lie. or try and quit the game early.

A little over a year ago, I sat in my living room watching my parents sob into the wolvertons' arms. I was on the phone calling everyone who knew my brother, asking if they'd heard from him or knew where he'd be. In the back of my mind, I was trying to convince myself that my life would go on even if my brother's life had ended.
By some miracle, God in his unimaginable mercy did not allow my brother to take his life that night.
I have occasionally reflected back on that night with thankfulness, but I hate to remember it. It was the longest and worst night of my life. I have never been so afraid or hopeless. Even thinking about it right now brings me to tears because I can remember specific thoughts and moments where I felt like everything had been lost. My life was ruined; damaged; nothing would ever be the same.
On Saturday night I had a similar situation with my sister. And for the second time in a little over a year I found myself begging God for protection. Sobbing. Bargaining.
I don't know the extent of what the human heart can handle. I think I'm very close to my threshold. Because what you don't really think about is how losing someone to sin can be just as painful as if they were dead. In the past year I have lost my brother (and one of my best friends), my friend and pastor from childhood, and now I feel like I have lost my sister as well. I suppose there is still a chance for change, but it can be so hard to hope when life gives you no reason to.
I know I am going to be judged for saying what I am about to say, but I don't care. Whenever a Christian is suffering, they are told to read Job. For "perspective." Because no one's life can really be that bad compared to Job's, right? But when I read Job, I don't get perspective. My life doesn't seem any better in comparison. Sure, life could be worse. It absolutely could get worse than it is right now. But when I read Job I feel like I am reading my own prayers. There are many things that seem worse than what has happened to my family, and maybe they are, I don't know. But for me, life has hit me where it hurts the most and will do the most damage.

I am just looking for hope. I am beyond questioning God. I believe he has a plan and that all this, for some reason, is a part of his glory. I don't understand how and I've grown tired of asking that question, so I just won't. All I want is a little bit of hope. There's got to be more to life than this. I want to be able to see the good parts, too.

I might still love you but it's hard to tell

I am so unbelievably beyond the amount of other people's shit that I can take.

I want to freaking scream.

over too soon

This evening we (me + Matt) returned from a wonderful vacation with the Hartzell family. We were camping at Crane Prarie resort, which is out about a half an hour from Sunriver.
We had a few adventures... we kayaked down the Deschutes with Tim and Ashley, visited Sisters, and I even met the grandparents who road-tripped all the way from Mesquite, Nevada to hang out with us.
So all in all I would have to say it was a fun trip. I took 6 days off from work. I am experiencing the joys of paid vacation (I, in my youth, have never experienced such a marvelous thing).
The highlights were kayaking, hanging out with the family, and Russ' new(/old) toys. When his parents came to visit they brought with them the old video camera, circa 1940s (i believe). It was in great condition and there were several cans of film. We watched some of the old home movies on this neat little contraption you use to crank, cut and splice film. I have heard of these things but never seen one. As you can imagine it was good fun for me as a digital video student. I also got a kick out of the operation manual (complete with a foreword by Alfred Hitchcock on how to make a better home movie).
There were only a couple downsides. My phone crapped out Sunday afternoon and I couldn't get it to work again. I finally gave up and today when we got home I went to get a new one. It turns out my plan doesn't end until November so I'm not eligible for a new phone until then. So I ended up just buying a cheap one to last me a couple months. Hopefully it wokrs until then, because if it does I can return it within 90 days (when I get a new one) for store credit. So I guess that isn't too bad. Usually cell phone issues are brutal. I did, however, lose all the numbers on my old phone. So if you read this, text me your number, cause so far I have Ashby, my cousin, Beth Peterson, and Matt, and that's it.
Also I got sick on the drive home, which was pretty miserable. Traffic was bad so it took us like 5+ hours to get back. I did start to feel better after I got home and took a nap.

I don't know if I have ever needed a vacation as badly as I needed this one. It was good to just escape all the stress and chill for a few days. I will be thankful when (if?) life calms down enough that driving back into Portland doesn't feel so much like a cloud of dread sweeping over me. Ugh.
Well, I am going to try to stay positive and focus on the things that alleviate my stress. I'm excited to get back to work and see my friends there. I've got a free coffee tasting class coming up that I'm going to be teaching. I'm really excited about that. Tomorrow I'm going to spend some more time pinning down the details, so that should be fun.

Anyway, it is late, and I need to sleep... :)

If I were to sum up any one thing that I have learned in the past year and a half, this would be it:

I feel like I've gotten some idea of how God feels when we let him down over and over again.

It's really just a glimpse of a feeling. I have no idea how to deal with my disappointment in other people. At times I am so overwhelmed by all the hurt and bitterness that it's like I'm choking.
It's like someone else dug a hole and threw me in it. And here I am trying to find a way to climb back out.

I've been alive TWO WHOLE DECADES.... that's nothing.

Today is my birthday. As I was sitting in bed pondering that thought (the clock just hit 12:00) I remembered how different my life has become in the past 12 months. So much has changed for me. As an inventory of my progress, I figured I should record it.
So last year at this time, here is what was happening.
My family + Jessica Brackett were at the beach for a missions conference, along with the Lewis family, the Petersons, and Ashby. My brother was recovering from a suicide attempt on the 27th of June, and I think it's pretty safe to say my family was still in shock from it.
I was at home because I was doing night school. I was taking my first term of art history and completely loving it. My friends were back from their first year of college. My five best friends and I dressed up and went to a fancy dessert at Papa Haydn. This included Kristin, Brianna, Becky, Sarah and Jade.
It was a lovely birthday celebration, but a little bittersweet because I was finishing the downward spiral of what can only be considered the most painful and worthless relationship of my life. The friend I valued most at the time (who, ironically, couldn't care less about me) was headed off to Nebraska soon and I was pretty much devastated by that.
Life was, to be brutally honest, pretty horrible, and horribly overwhelming.
Flash forward to now... my brother, after some pretty crazy shenanigans, is (probably) solidly on his way to recovery. Jessica, our family friend, is about to get married. The Lewises have had a rough year but four of the six are about to be reunited, and that is something to be thankful about. I have been taking a break from school, but have been working for the past 8 months and getting close (I hope) to a promotion. My best friend is back from 6 months abroad and engaged, and I am going to be her maid of honor. I had coffee today with four of my favorite people-- my mom, sister, Kristin, and Caitlin (my cousin) to celebrate my birthday.
But, of course, the best part is that I am in love. And compared to all the other relationships I have ever been in, this one is the best. To the point where I didn't even know someone so good was waiting for me.

So, even though there are a lot of things that weren't so great about this year, it is still the pinnacle of my short life. Because nothing that I know of can top finding your soulmate and falling in love.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

I guess not

Turns out Evergreen is having a baptismal service tomorrow and NOT meeting in their usual place... which is good for them, but bad for us, because we can't visit (well, we CAN, but none of us really wants to). Bummer since I took tomorrow off especially for this (for the three of us to go together).
Anyway, Matt and I are going to go check out Imago Dei, just the two of us, which is still exciting. I have seen some pretty sweet stuff on their website about art and especially film in their community. I hope I get to see some of that tomorrow, I have been missing my art community at school... and last night for some reason I looked through the slideshow on the Ethnos website, and I almost wanted to cry. Our church used to be REALLY different... first off, over half the people in the pictures are gone. And second, do you remember when we used to do really cool stuff with sacred spaced? I don't know if anyone else misses it, but I sure do...

can't sleep..

I have the next few days off (4 of them in a row). But they are busy days... tomorrow is the celebration of my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. I'm not really excited about it because, well, my family is huge and I'm supposed to be taping everything, plus providing coffee, so it will probably be pretty boring. But I am excited for my grandparents! 50 years is a long time, and the fact that we all get to celebrate with them is a beautiful thing.
I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately, it's just on the brain... because of my grandparents, Jon and Kristin, etc. In fact, I had an enlightening conversation with Mer about it the other day. It reminded me of Ephesians 5:31-33 which describes the union of a husband and wife (as my translation puts it): "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." I love those words-- a profound mystery! Plus, as the passage says, it is our closest earthly representation of the relationship between Christ and the church...
Anyway, that passage, and 1 Corinthians 13, bring me so much joy when I think about people like my parents, grandparents, and friends-- all of whom are in different stages of the process-- what a gift! Love is an incredible gift... and marriage, the union of two people...
I don't know... I don't really know what that is like, but from standing on the outside, I would have to say that when people are obedient to God, that marriage looks both incredibly beautiful and profoundly mysterious.
Anyway... so that is tomorrow. Sunday morning (usually I work at 4:45am on Sundays) I have off and Matt, Nate and I are going to visit Evergreen. Should be interesting... I have heard a lot about Evergreen but never visited myself.
I am getting pretty tired now writing this, so I'm off to bed.

Ugh. Life is exhausting.

today =

going camping with my mommy, daddy, sister, brother, cousin, uncle and boyfriend.

And, meeting up with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (of which there are probably 30 or so), friends, non- and distant-relations, because they are having the 4th (5th?) annual Fortune Family Summer Campout, to which all are invited... oh, and, celebrating the July and August birthdays, of which there are several, including mine. :)

P.S. Harry Potter #7 is amazing......!!

I can't access my e-mail right now which is really obnoxious.
So, a few things that are going on in my life right now:
1) Yesterday I started what is going to be a multiple month-long bible study (I'm guessing it will take me til January or February) on the spiritual gifts of craftmanship and music. Assuming they are spiritual gifts, which I have not yet conclusively proven. I have a lot of questions about this topic and I feel like the church needs a decent and deeply theological explanation of creative worship, so those are my aims. Maybe when I am done we will teach this at school of theology, but I am skeptical about whether or not school of theology will happen, so I'm not sure about that. Regardless, I am going to study the topic for myself until I feel I have come to a conclusion that is in line with Scripture. And if there's no class I guess maybe I will blog about my findings when I am done, or something.
Anyway, here are some of the questions I'm hoping to answer:
A) What does the Bible say about the spiritual gifts of arts/music?
B) How can artists/musicians use their gifts in the church?
C) History of art and worship in the church
D) Corporate worship vs. Personal worship (which is the gift to be used for and is there a right or wrong way to use it)
E) Self-expression, why is art in the church different from art in the world and how should we view it differently
F) Icons, Idolatry, and Iconoclasm (specifically in the OT and early church)
G) Symbols and their relevance today
H) Explaining the complexity of artistic worship in the OT and how (or whether) that is relevant today... it is clear in the OT that art was highly valued as the way to worship and honor God, and that has been true in the European church throughout history (and is still true in many branches of the modern church) but is NOT true in the Western church. So my question is whether that makes sense because "times have changed" or whether there is still a place for the complexity of worship through artistic means.
So far I keep finding more and more questions. I have a thick stack of reference books piled up on my floor and I'm jsut starting... so I'm really excited about what this will mean for answering my personal questions about how to serve. I'm planning on devoting 1-2 hrs a day to this study, which is a big time commitment, so hopefully it will be a good learning experience.

2) Yesterday my super-cool boyfriend spent his lunch hour buying me the last Harry Potter book (which he knew I really wanted). Then when I got really sick at work last night and had to come home early, he came over and kept me company while I was all gross and sickly. (My coworker lent me Firefly so we've started watching that. It is way cool!)

Well that is all I have to say for now. I still can't get to the yahoo homepage to check my mail and that is annoying.
I'm off to make some soup.

alienated

I haven't made a post (at least not a real post) here in a couple months, and that is not because I haven't had thoughts, but because I've stopped myself from sharing them. I type and then I think... what is the point of being real? I don't think people want reality from me.

this video is really dumb and annoying

i suppose things are getting better

but I am still frustrated most of the time...

authority

I have always considered myself to be a person who is respectful of authority, from parents to teachers to government officials. Even church hierarchy. I have tried to have a good attidue and sense of respect for anyone who is appointed to any position in life that is above mine. I value structure very highly, so maybe that is why I think it is so important and force myself to be respectful, obedient, even submissive. I don't know.

I think that is a pretty rare thing for people in my generation. I would guess most people don't think authority is important. Probably because it burns people. And how do you balance what the Bible says about honoring your father and mother and government officials with the sad truth that power corrupts?

So how do you continue to honor Christ with your thoughts and actions when you feel like someone else is holding the reigns?

shakira shakira

I can't sleep. Oh, I wish I could... but I can't.
So here I am blogging instead.
I worked very early this morning and even though I didn't drink any caffeine I am not tired. Which will probably last right up until I get to church and plop down in the pew. Then I'll be exhausted and fall asleep during the sermon. I predict.
So, work has been okay lately except for one little thing. Today my favorite friend from work is leaving our store to work at Sylvan. It's a good thing for her because she got a well-deserved promotion. But it's a bad thing for me 'cause she has kinda been my mentor/buddy for the whole time I've been there. I'm sure I will get to see her plenty, but our store really won't be the same without her there, and that is sad. :(
Hmm. What else...?
There is really nothing going on in my life right now. Matt and I went to look for apartments the other day. For us and our coming baby, Pansy Tarragon Owen/Hartzell to "live in sin" in together until we can make it legit. Haha, just kidding. Man I'm hilarious. It's for him and Nate. They might possibly/probably be living together soon (hopefully I'm not spilling the beans on that one, we told the SW Hills Community Group so I think the cat's pretty much out of the bag already). Anyway, that was a kind of fun and interesting experience...
Oh yeah, we watched The Constant Gardener yesterday. It was pretty okay. Kind of predictable, and the camerawork sometimes made me nauseous, but the acting was alright and it captured my attention for the most part. So it was alright. I think I recommend it.
Ashby, did you go to the theater and see Evening yet?

something to cheer you up

you can't NOT smile when you look at this picture.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
James A. Baldwin

The Complete Financial Guide For Young Couples

I picked up this book yesterday and it is really, really good. I know that probably sounds weird, but finances have been on my mind lately. I've never really had a reason to save or spend responsibly, and I tend to be a little impulsive. Sometimes I get into pretty minor debt, but I always pay it off as fast as I can and get back on track.
The reason why this hasn't landed me in (too much) trouble yet is that I don't have a lot of money to spend, and I (purposefully) do not own a credit card, so there's not really an opportunity for debt, as least not much of it. But I'm pretty bad at saving money.
Anyway, this is something I know I really need to work on because at some point I am going to have more money and the way I use it will matter to more than just me. From what I have seen poor finances can be a huge stressor and source of fighting in a marriage. And I don't want that for my family. So I figure I should start learning now so that when I get married I can do it right.
This book is really wise, and I think every couple who is planning on getting married should read it (together). It's a good pre-emptive measure. Plus it has already made me re-evaluate some of the things I've been thinking. The author is a Christian and he teaches a sound Biblical approach to managing money. It's not really anything I've heard before, but at the same time, it seems like common sense.
The author spends a lot of time talking about how (and why) opposites attract, and he paints a very beautiful picture of the "oneness" of marriage... how two people are designed so their strengths and weaknesses, when brought together, balance each other out. It makes me very thankful for Matt because he is very organized and responsible when it comes to most things, especially finances, and it is a good check for me.

Anyway, all of that to say, I really like this book. It is helpful, and it is interesting to read. So I recommend it.

I mentioned that lately I'm trying to pay closer attention to the good marriages I see. But in the last couple weeks I have been reminded that I can learn from others' struggles as well- if I am attentive to them. So I am actively disciplining myself in areas where I know my weakness will damage my relationship. As a pre-emptive measure of my own.

school

Finished my last class on Thursday and now I'm taking a break. That means I'll be picking up more hours at work and hanging out with my friends who are home for the summer (or for small parts of it). I was almost certain that I was in trouble this term, but I managed to pull through finals week and maintain my GPA. So that's good.

I'm taking tomorrow off and I think I'll get up in the morning and go for a run. We'll see.

"Processing things in community" isn't all it's cracked up to be. It depends on people either all being on the same page or being understanding of someone who isn't. And of course these is pressure to "be real" with people but for what purpose? So others can judge the validity of your feelings or so that you can hear them repeated to people you would not have chosen to tell them to?
Where there is even the slightest opportunity for judgement or gossip, people will take it.
All of this to say, I really don't feel like sharing anything with anyone right now. I'm pretty much done.

There's this theory called the James-Lange Theory of Emotion. What it says, basically, is that your brain learns how to interpret feelings based on how your body is responding. That sudden drop in your stomach that tells you you're feeling anxious... or the tears running down your face that tell you you're sad... those are examples.
The other part of the theory is that you can control your emotions by controlling your body. Smile and stand up straight, and eventually you'll feel happier. Or lie in bed and mope around all day and you'll feel depressed.
My body tells me I don't want to feel better. I want to remain anxious and angry and afraid. But my mind tells me I need to move on. I need to get things done. I have a life that I need to tackle today, a project I need to finish, and a final to study for. I can't afford to be anxious or distracted.
So I am making a concious effort for the following things: to be focused. To work hard, even though I don't feel like I can. To forgive what I can (or move in that direction).
It's like putting a smile on my face and waiting for the happiness to follow. I guess I'm putting a lot of faith in the hope that it will.

Yesterday I hung out with Matt the entire day. We mostly just stayed at his apartment, cleaning and organizing stuff. It looks really nice. Also we vaccumed up enough hair to comprise an entire Zeus. That cat sheds like crazy. I wore a black shirt and by the end of the day I looked like a giant grey hairball.
It was nice to just relax after such a stressful week. I basically bawled my eyes out every day last week and by Friday I was really getting tired of it. And also dehydrated.
It was a blessing to be able to just hang out, have fun and enjoy each others' company. I'm really glad he's around, because he's pretty much the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.

Job 7:11-20 (NLT)

I am tired and there is no end in sight
God, I just want to run

Tonight Matt and I spent some time with the Rameys. It was weird-- a response to all of the things that have happened. Or that's what it was going in. It turned into something else, and that was weird. Sometimes you find yourself saying something and you think, where did that come from? And why didn't I recognize/articulate that earlier? Today was one of those days.
Anyway, on the way home I listened to this song on the radio, and it really means nothing about this current situation, but it just felt good to listen to this at this moment. I don't really expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about, I am just talking, after all.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I didn't sleep that well. Mostly because of the thunderstorm, but also because I feel nauseous.
And hopeless. I have built up some role models over the past few years. My parents, the Rameys, the Wolvertons, the Fergusons, the Lewises (my aunt and uncle)... to name a few. I have watched them all closely for many years.
Since Matt and I have started dating, I have paid even closer attention. How do they speak to each other? Or about each other? What do they do together? Do I see them argue? How do they support each other, what does that look like?
The thing is, I really want to get married someday, and when I do, I want it to be strong and healthy and beautiful. I want a relationship like the one my parents have. Or rather, I need that kind of relationship because failure is not an option. And I desperately, desperately want to be happy, and to be the best wife I possibly can be. I want to honor God and honor my husband. I want to be the one who helps him realize his dreams. I want to know how to build him up and support him and love him and I want us to grow closer together and closer to Christ.
I am absolutely terrified of messing this up. So I watch people. I watch people who I think have good, strong, healthy marriages and I try to figure out what makes them that way. And despite all the bad marriages that are out there, that I have seen, I have never felt truly scared of getting married until now.

let the torture end!

I desperately miss my friends. They have been gone since February and I haven't even spoken with them since then (except for an occasional e-mail or text). It seems like a ton has happened. Kristin got engaged, I started dating Matt (which I guess is small in comparison but it feels very big to me), and Becky has been living in an immersion program in Argentina where she is only allowed to speak in Spanish! Brianna ended school a few weeks ago but she has been touring with a theater troupe since then, so I have not gotten to see her yet.
Anyway, it is finally June, and that means they are coming home, one right after the other (literally). So now I am just counting down the days:
June 23- Kristin
June 24- Becky
June 25- Brianna

Yay! I hope this month passes quickly.

more drama at the Owen house

So last night my parents came home from their anniversary trip to the beach (it's their 25th this year), and I guess they were sitting around with my brother playing a game when they heard my sister screaming upstairs...
"Help me! Help me! I just pooped in the toilet and it overflowed!"

Thank God I was at work or I probably would have been roped into the family adventure of mopping up the mess...

some people are so rude

Today at work a customer brought back a drink complaining that there were coffee grounds in his cup. Of course he had already had most of the drink, but here's the thing. It was an espresso drink. There's pretty much no way coffee grounds could get in that cup.
Which really bothers me. There's really no reason to lie, because we remake drinks all the time for absolutely no reason. And yet people do lie. And sometimes I am soooooo tempted to just hit them with some smart retort. Especially when they're rude liars. But of course I don't.
This guy was particularly rude to me and even after we remade his drink he grabbed up all of his trash, stomped away, and on his way out of the store, threw all the trash on a nearby table.
Seriously, some people are so effing rude that I just want to slap them.
It's worst when they're regular customers, because I see these people almost every day.
Anyway... that's pretty much all I have to say.
I'm already over it.

matrix of meanings

A couple years ago, while previewing colleges, I picked up this book at Biola (which is supposed to have a pretty impressive film center). While I wasn't really thrilled with their facilities or equipment, they do seem to have a pretty well-developed understanding of the use and need for Godly people in the mainstream media. It was one of the only Christian schools I went to that didn't treat a career in TV or Film like something that was inherently wrong. Like God is absent from the mainstream media. I visited quite a few schools who believed that working in TV or film would only be "right" if you were doing it with a Christian agenda. Which I think is a pretty ignorant view to hold.
Biola is one of the few schools that understands the importane of pop culture. That sounds kind of dumb, but I really do mean it. Pop culture isn't bad in and of itself. God isn't absent from it. Rather, God uses these things to reach people in ways we never would have dreamed of... and that is pretty impressive. So being a Christian in this field doesn't mean running in the opposite direction. Or limiting yourself to directing movies that star Kirk Cameron (sorry, I'm not a fan).
Anyway, I digress. The point is, this book is cool. It makes me feel like there are others out there who find value in the things I value. Who really get the concept of being in the world but not of the world. And don't try to define God's power or reach over culture.
There is one thing that kind of made me smirk. The guy talks about postmodernism and the emerging church-- the "cool" new trend for the church. Then he talks about how, like with everything else in our culture, it has already begun to lose its edge. How POST-postmodernism is already beginning to form. (this was a few years ago that this book was written)
It makes me smirk because, on the one hand... what the..? Post-postmodernism? Are you kidding?
But, on the other hand, I see it. I feel it. Sometimes I feel just as alienated by the emerging church as any other church. Sometimes it feels like we've swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, and I kind of want to push back. I'm sure there are many people out there who would disagree with me. That's cool. I'm just saying... sometimes I feel like we're completely missing the point.

(Anyway, Kristin, there is an update for you. You can't withdraw your approval based on my blog. If so then I withdraw my approval from the entire continent of Australia. You haven't been updating too frequently either.)

jerry falwell is dead

Weird huh?

There are many reasons...

...why I hate gardening, but this is the biggest one:



The chances of encountering them greatly increase when you seek them out in their natural environment.


You may look at this picture and say to yourself "aww, that is cute! Why would anyone hate frogs?" but if that is what you are thinking, think again. Try image searching "mutant frog" or "three-headed frog" and see what comes up. Then you will understand the true horror of these repulsive creatures.

happy, and also jealous

My best friend is engaged!!!

I am really excited and happy for her. Unfortunately, both she and Jon (her fiance) are in Australia right now so we can't do the whole screaming/crying/obsessing over her pretty ring thing. Which I miss. And her.

I can't believe it. I am just really excited! Almost overflowing...

:)

Also though, I have an amazing and adorably sweet boyfriend who I love. And he makes me really happy.

So... life's not all bad. ;)

Can I just be honest

I have to say, I love Ethnos. I really do.
But lately, I am just burnt out on the church. I look at my schedule every week and it is full of church commitments. Things that I do out of obligation and because of pressure and not because I love my community or I love Jesus or I want to serve. I am surprised at how bad my attitude has gotten. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
The key word in all of this is pressure. Sometimes church just feels like an unrelenting burden that I carry around. I do things because I have to do them. Because if I don't do them then I am not fulfilling my role in this community.
So I started slowly dropping things and hoping it would make me feel a little better, when I was less busy and less stressed. No sacred space; no coming early on Sundays anymore. For a while I couldn't go to community group because of school. I missed it, and I came back. But still, there is this restlessness and stress that follows me everywhere, poisons my attitude and makes me not want to do the other things I have committed to doing. Girl's night on Monday night. Meeting with my mentor. Community group. Sacred space. Hermeneutics, Sunday Gatherings. Not to mention all the informal gatherings and stuff that I participate in. All of these things to do. And not that I hate any one thing, but the combination was so overwhelming. I feel like I am always "on", that I am always trying to fulfill all the "ministry opportunities" I'm being asked to participate in. And there is the constant push for more. Talk to more people. Welcome coffees. Children's ministry. If you're not doing these things, you should, because by not doing them you are being disobedient and you're directly responsible for the financial failure of the church.
I'm just saying. I know I have a horrible attitude. I am fully aware of how bad it really is. I'm just saying, this is how I feel.
The worst part is, despite doing all of these things, despite being surrounded by a community that loves me and wants to invest me, and who I am constantly spending time with, I still feel alone. I still feel like I'm waiting to be trained and invested in. And I don't mean that to accuse anyone or make anyone feel bad. Really. I just feel isolated. And I don't know why.
Sometimes, my parents tell me about the training they got when they were my age and in college, and I am so jealous. I wish someone would teach me like that. I wish I knew how to study the Bible and draw closer to God. I would go so far as to say that I don't just want these things, I desperately need them and I feel like I'm drowning without them. How do I keep doing ministry when I am this discouraged and when I don't feel like I am growing? I just want to quit everything.
Sometimes, on days when my attitude is particularly bad, I wonder why I don't want to do my part. I try to push myself to get over it and then end up resenting my commitments and myself for not following through or taking up my cross. I wish I didn't have this horrible attitude, but I don't know what to do. I pray that my heart will change but week to week I am more distracted and discouraged.
I wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to be part of a church plant like Ethnos. I don't know if I do. Seriously.

New term, new classes. I did pretty well last term (despite my fears and the nagging suspicion I might barely squeeze by in sound production). Suffice it to say that I am on track to reach my GPA goal (so far). I have some pretty sweet classes this term: Psychology and Editing, which I'm excited about.
Other than that, life is full of a lot of work and a lot of random commitments (sp?). Work is going really well... in fact, I have my 6-month review tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to, because it means I get a formal evaluation and a performance-based raise (YAY). It might sound funny, but I'm actually looking forward to the evaluation part of it, too. I want to know how I'm doing and what I can do better. I like my job, and I think I do it pretty well, but there are always ways to improve... and I like setting goals and feeling like I am reaching them. I don't know how temporary my position is (it's treating me well; I might stay at Starbucks for a while), but I think people are generally happier when they have a good attitude about their job, take pride in what they do, and do it to the best of their ability. So even if I end up leaving in another 6 months, I still want to be knowledgeable and friendly and just good at what I do for as long as I do it. It may not really be that important in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me happy.
The other thing I've been trying to do lately is get more organized, especially with my finances and stuff like that. I decided to start repaying my loans now, since I have a lot of disposable income and it would be really easy for me to just blow through this phase and waste money on random crap. That's usually what I would do. So I am trying to make more responsible long-term choices like paying off my loans, building credit, saving for retirement, planning/sticking to a budget, and trying to put money into savings. We'll see how all of this goes. It is not easy for me to think long-term about things like finances, so this is a big (but necessary) learning experience for me.


Anyway... this blog was probably boring but... oh well, I wasn't sleepy, so I just needed to bore myself a little.

I hate life

I feel horrible.
Today has seriously been the worst day that I can remember having in a long time. I can't decide if I want to scream or cry or punch someone or throw up or just sleep away the rest of the week. Probably all of those things.
Unfortunately for me I have over 2 hours left of my shift...

...I wish I could just skip the rest of the day.

...ugh.

:(

I apologize for not deleting those comments earlier.
I'm not really sure what to say. I wish I knew the wise/proper response to what has been said, but I don't. I am at a loss. I know we have all made poor choices and that a lot of people have been hurt. I have taken ownership of my mistakes and apologized for them. I have done what I can to repair the damage that has been done. I don't think it is right to publicly air private grievances.
It makes me sad, thinking about what we just talked about on Sunday... how slander can be such a destructive force. All I know is, it is not going to take place on my blog.
So, without disclosing anything more than what is absolutely necessary, I would like to make it clear that slander is not going to be tolerated here. And if there are any further inappropriate comments, they will be promptly deleted.

Do you think I'm beautiful?

"When I let myself search for the truth of my heart, underneath all the learned behaviors and coping techniques is a woman-- make that a little girl inside the body of a woman-- who wants to grow up and be beautiful one day too.
Maybe there is a design flaw. Maybe I shouldn't have been made with these longings that cannot be realized. When I think about beauty, I picture Cindy Crawford and immediately tell myself to shut up. When I listen to my heart's ache to be known, it only makes me insecure and afraid. To think about beauty and then think about my flabby everything gives me pain. It just seems better not to go there. Avoid this one. Smile a lot and act happy.
And so I have learned to pretend. (Besides, most of the women I know are pretending too.) Pretend that I have a handle on body image. Pretend that I am strong and sure. Pretend that I don't long to be held and protected in the deepest places of my soul. Pretend that I don't long for more than the world says I can have or more than marriage has to offer. Pretend that it doesn't really matter if I am known or if I am beautiful.
I am not alone in my pretending or my longing. All you have to do is walk into a room of women and look into their eyes, each one desiring to be known as beautiful. Some almost ask, "do you think I'm beautiful?" out loud and some have learned to never ask it again.
When no one notices, we learn to pretend that it doesn't matter. But, Lord knows, it matters. It matters in your soul and it matters in the way you wake up every morning and step into life.
Maybe no one has ever really noticed you either. And you've learned to pretend that it's okay. IT'S NOT OKAY. You were made to be seen and known and loved deeply. And it's okay to want what you were made for.
...I am realizing that the feminine design, my design, is both mysterious and complex. And yet, the design is completely God's idea. ...I am supposed to have a passionnate heart that does not have to be squelched. I am supposed to yearn for beauty and long to be known deeply. I came wired like this. Every woman I know came with very similar questions and desires.
...When life comes undone, when pretending is not an option anymore, when everything has fallen apart and fallen away, amazingly, it all becomes very simple. When no one can do anything to help and there isn't a straw left to grasp or a mask left to hide behind, God gets to move center stage. He has our undivided attention. The questions that we've held out to everyone remain, but there is no one to answer them except Him.
In that place, I finally came to see that the questions are rightfully mine, but the answers that truly fill and give strength will come only from God. It is so okay for my soul and yours to scream Do You think I'm beautiful? and there is a transformation happening as I listen to God tell me, resoundingly, yes.
The beauty that I desire is not really about body image. (Okay, it's a little about body image. Shoot, some days it feels like my quest for beauty is ALL about body image.) But the deeper beauty I long for is about complete acceptance.
God, do You see me flawed and sinful and still call me beautiful? Do You see the loneliness? Do You see me struggle? Do You see the unmet desires of my heart? Do You see me trying to manipulate and control? Do You see me yearn for the things I can't have? Do You see me cry for time that is lost and the life I will not know? God, do You see me in all this mess and still think I'm beautiful?"
-Angela Thomas

(I can't really add to this.)

exciting

Today is my last day of winter term! I've got two projects due (a sound edit/animatic and my script portfolio).
I'm really ready for a break... I mean, really, really ready. So hopefully all goes well, and I manage to not screw this up too badly.
Yay for spring break!

finally!

Today, finally, after 4 weeks of the most horrific and frustrating writer's block I have ever experienced, I found a plot for my script. Something that might actually work instead of just ten pages of useless junk (like what I have been spitting out lately).
So, I have a few hours to get a rough draft of this thing. I have somewhere between 3 and 5 pages left to write, maybe more. Depending on what I rework.
What a relief. The hard part-- finding an idea that works-- is pretty much over. I can write dialogue like nobody's business (even if it is OTN-- I don't care). So anyway, here goes...

I am tired. I don't know if I am tired physically, or emotionally, or both. I just don't feel that great. I don't know.
Pray for me to keep up on my quiet times. I got distracted/fell behind in the month of February and I'm trying to catch up. It is hard because there are a lot of distractions, mostly being in my house (it is pretty much the most distracting thing I can think of). But reading the Word lately has been encouraging, even though I am chugging along at a pace I can't really keep up for long (especially with my school/work load).

So, yeah. I don't know. Thanks Jon and Kristin for saying hi. And Becky, I will definitely e-mail you when I get the chance. Thanks for giving me the address... I tried to find it on your myspace/facebook and they don't exist anymore. So yeah... appreciated.

some things that may or may not be useful to you

I read this article today that said there is a link between cold feet and catching colds during the winter. Chilling the body constricts your blood vessels and cuts off the blood supply to the nasal passages. This is one of the primary ways germs enter your body and without the disease-fighting white blood cells to protect you, you're pretty much screwed. So, try to stay warm in general, and especially wear thermal socks in the winter! Because your feet are one of the first places you get cold.

Second, topically applied coffee grounds reduce the appearance of cellulite and can clear and brighten your skin. This is partially because of the chemical makeup of coffee and partially because of the rough texture of the grounds (pretty much a natural exfoliant). However, coffee is a natural laxative so it should always be used with a good moisturizer, or it can dry out your skin.

And... speaking of coffee... did you know that each coffee cherry produces only 2 beans? A full coffee plant will harvest only 1 to 1 and 1/2 lbs of coffee beans PER YEAR. That is insane. I was looking around our store this morning and trying to picture in my head how many coffee plants that represents, in just the beans we have sitting around right now. I can't imagine.
No wonder coffee is so expensive.

some things I want to get done today:

-brainstorm some ideas for my final script and email them to Jackie
-write a 5-page and 7-page first draft for scriptwriting
-finish studying the JVC300 manual for my certification test
-finish the rest of the text for sound production
-run 5 miles
-email Kristin

and maybe, possibly hang out with my dad and brother if I get everything else done (I don't think that's going to happen, though).

So, February is almost over.
Almost.


And on an unrelated note, does anyone want to help me shoot a short film?
...anyone? I'm guessing no, but it would be wonderful if someone did.

We're starting a bowling team. We being my buddies at Starbucks.


I am stoked.

Oh man. I seriously just want to cry. I am too tired to deal with my life right now.

My brother moved back home today, and I am scared. I think bad things are probably going to happen now that he is around. I am just exhausted by the drama he brings into our house. I wish I could escape everything. I wish I were pretty much anywhere but here right now.
I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling compromised, I hate a lot of things that I wish I didn't hate, and no matter how hard I try, there are really no words to describe the depth of my disappointment, confusion, whatever. I don't know. There are no words. None.
I had this weird thought today, when I was driving my dad's car back from the apartment. This was only the second time I have driven his car. The only other time he allowed me to was once when Daniel was in the hospital. So, it reminded me of that week. We went to the olive garden for dinner because it was right by the hospital. I hadn't slept. None of us had. And I ordered a meal that I never took a bite of. And we all kind of sat there staring at each other and being devastated.
The thing is, when everything falls apart so visibly, you are free to grieve, to fall apart, to be comforted, to be confused and anxious and disoriented and sit there doing absolutely nothing. But what happens when things fall apart quietly, piece by piece, until you can't even point to a moment when it all went wrong because the moments just surround you and box you in? What are you supposed to do then?
It feels just like grief. Like I want to lie in bed and stare at my ceiling and not think because it hurts.

I have no idea how to get through this.

WHAT?!

It is awesome that Izzie took a power drill to a guy's skull and somehow saved his life.
But... Meredith can't really die... can she?

I'm just saying. It's not Grey's Anatomy without Dr. Grey.

(I have a life outside of TV. I swear.)

The Happiest Place on Earth

Some things are just too awesome not to share. That picture being one of them.


Anyway, on Tuesday I got back from my trip to Cali. I spent a day at Disneyland, which, as well all know, is the greatest place in the entire world. Other than that, the trip did not have a whole lot of highlights. There were some tears on my part when I had to say goodbye to my best friend (she is going to Australia for a million years). There were also some other low points that I can only really describe as typical freshman in college scenarios. Not that we are freshmen... but, um... yeah. I'll just leave it at that.
Soooo, since everyone loves to be forced to look at other peoples' vacation photos, I figured I would privelege you with some of mine. They are dandy. (Yeah, I just said dandy.)


The Star Tours ride is about 82% of the reason I went to California in the first place. There is nothing quite as satisfying as riding in a space ship and blowing up the death star. Unfortunately, Andy was the only one cool enough to do this ride with me... Jon and Kristin were too busy making out on some roller coaster... or something.


Pirates! They added Captain Jack to the ride, and he is eerily life-like. Unfortunately you can't take pictures during the ride, or I would have, and just told everyone that I had met Johnny Depp. That's how real he looked.


This was when we were waiting in line for Mr. Toad's wild ride... which I wasn't too thrilled about, for obvious reasons. And if you are wondering... we are twirling our mustaches.



I was pretty excited about the artifacts on the Indiana Jones ride. Brianna was pretty excited about groping me.



Also, I suck at the Buzz Lightyear ride. We found this out and I cried from sheer disappointment and embarassment. This picture was taken before the tears, though.


This is my favorite picture from our whole trip... but it makes me miss Kristin, and Jon. AUSTRALIA IS FAR AWAY. AND FOUR MONTHS IS A LONG TIME.

COME HOME!!!

AHHHHHH.

Why is Pam with Roy?
Stupid Pam.

newport beach makes my heart ache

It feels so distant that it could almost be another lifetime; I stood on this pier with a different future and different dreams spread out before me. Different relationships with their own sets of strengths and their own weaknesses.
But there is beauty in the changing of the tide; in the push and pull of life. There is strength both in stepping forward and in taking a moment to look back. In the end, there is good, no matter how much pain it takes to reach it.
So far, that is all I know for sure.

I'm leaving

Well, despite what can only be described as a 4-day long asthma attack, I'm off to LA tomorrow. I'm a little nervous because my parents are gone on the elders' retreat, so if something goes wrong with my flight, or I mess anything up in any way, there will be no one around to bail me out. Hopefully I don't screw up and miss my flight, or lose my baggage, or lose my boarding pass, or accidentally pack a pocket knife in a carry-on, or get kidnapped, or somehow get on the wrong plane and accidentally fly myself to timbuktu.... then again, you never know...
Oh! I hope I don't get airsick. I didn't even think about that... but it is the most likely. :(
Anyway. I'm looking forward to getting away for a while and hanging out with Brianna and Andy (I haven't seen them in months) and my cousin Connor. Looking forward to a little Disneyland, a little sunny weather, the beach, In & Out burger, getting a crazy piercing or two... you know. All the fun stuff. ;)
However-- I'm really NOT looking forward to saying goodbye to Kristin. That part will suck.

I think I'm pretty excited, though. It's hard to know if I'm antsy because of excitement or because I'm still all drugged up and not getting enough oxygen. Only time will tell...

i feel horrible

So I am sick and I feel AWFUL. Every part of my body hurts. I tried sleeping it off but every time I sleep I wake up feeling even worse. Plus my asthma is trying to strangle me in my sleep. Literally. I kept waking up realizing I'd stopped breathing.
If I have ever felt this sick before in my life, I don't remember it. No matter what I just keep feeling worse and worse.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate life!!!
I seriously feel like I might die.

yuck

perspective

Lately, my parents and I have been having some really honest and encouraging conversations... I am glad that I have two very strong role models right at my fingertips so that I can constantly soak up their wisdom. They are pretty impressive people.
Anyway, I really like talking to my mom about the Bible because she knows so much scripture. You can seriously ask her questions almost like you'd look things up in a concordance or topical bible. She's that knowledgeable. I am glad, because I'm not there yet.

We had this amazing conversation yesterday about the stories in the Old Testament. I have been trying to immerse myself in scripture. (Okay, I'm not going to say that I've been trying it so much as that it's become absolutely crucial. If I didn't have the word to encourage me, I would be completely falling apart. So it's not a concious choice so much as a gut reaction.... sometimes I don't get the whole concept until it's thrown at me quite painfully. This being one of those times.)
Anyway. My mom and I were talking about the story of Hagar, which is one I read at the beginning of January, but was so touched by that I have prayed for her attitude almost every day since then. I was sharing all this with my mom and she said it was something I should blog about. So... here I am.
If you don't know the story of Hagar, you can look it up in Genesis 16 and Genesis 21. But here is the gist: Abraham is promised a son, but his wife (Sarah) is old and doesn't trust God that it will happen. So she tells Abraham to sleep with her maid, Hagar. Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarah is insanely jealous, and punishes Hagar so cruelly that she flees out into the desert.
Which is where this happens:
The angel of the LORD found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" She said, "I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai." The angel of the LORD said to her, "Return to your mistress and submit to her." The angel of the LORD also said to her, "I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude." And the angel of the LORD said to her,

"Behold, you are pregnant
and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
because the LORD has listened to your affliction.
He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
his hand against everyone
and everyone's hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen."

So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, "You are a God of seeing," for she said, "Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

There is something about this that just blows me away. First of all, the position that Hagar is in is one that is too horrible for me to imagine. She is a servant. She has a son by a man she doesn't even seem to like. Her mistress treats her so badly that she would rather run away into the desert than endure another day with her. She is at the end of her rope, completely alone, when she comes before God.
Now, the way that God treats Hagar throughout her life confuses me. It is something I don't pretend to understand, the way that he allows her to suffer. He listens to her complaints. He feels her pain. Then he says, "Return to your mistress and submit to her."
Even the blessings he promises to her are bittersweet. She will have a son, and her son will be blessed (there is more of this in chapter 21, which I will get to). But he will also be an obnoxious jerk. And Hagar herself does not get a blessing. She gets to go back and endure the unendurable for the sake of the glory of God.
But, what touched me when I read it was the way that she reacted. It's praise. She is satisfied and complete just knowing that God had heard her, even though he did nothing to alleviate her pain. He didn't even give her an explanation for the pain she felt. He just said, "I hear you, now obey me." And she said, "Praise God, I will obey."
That interaction caught my attention because it's hard to accept that from God. I feel like if he knows I am in pain and praying for comfort he should do something about it. If he doesn't, he must not have heard me. Because how can a good God hear your cries of pain, understand them, and then tell you to go back, grit your teeth, and bear it? Without any explanation or hope of change?
The thing about this story is, it gets better. Or worse, if you're Hagar. Eventually (chapter 21) Sarah DOES get pregnant, and then she becomes even MORE jealous. She insists that Hagar and Ishmael have got to go. And God tells Abraham to honor his wife. So Abraham sends them out into the desert, and Hagar is wandering around desperate AGAIN.
When the water in the skin was gone, she put the child under one of the bushes. Then she went and sat down opposite him a good way off, about the distance of a bowshot, for she said, "Let me not look on the death of the child." And as she sat opposite him, she lifted up her voice and wept. And God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he is. Up! Lift up the boy, and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation." Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy, and he grew up.
Yet again her attitude amazes me. Because even when she is on the brink of utter defeat, God calls her back and says, "I have big plans for this boy, so you've got to trust me on this." Again, it couldn't be clearer that this story is not about her. It's not about her being happy or blessed. It's about her being obedient for the greater glory of God. And she IS obedient, without questioning God about her pain. He heard her, and that is all she needs to endure.

...How crazy is that? I have been turning this over in my mind every day, praying for that same attitude, and praying for enough faith and wisdom not to question God about the role my pain has in his greater glory. I don't need to understand it. I need to trust and be obedient. I know that God hears me. He is a God who hears. And even if he doesn't change anything, I know he understands the pain that I am going through. I want that to satisfy me enough that I can leave my doubts behind and just OBEY.

Anyway, I thought I would share that. I have had a very humbling week, and it draws to mind my need for faith and, most of all, obedience. Which is what this whole thing is about.

suffering/joy

(I know this post is long, but I figured I owed a good solid one since I haven't written anything worth reading since last Saturday.)

Back when I took anatomy, one thing I found interesting was the way your body adapts to certain situations. Most of your senses-- sight, taste, smell, hearing-- immediately begin adapting to the stimuli being presented. When you step from a dark room outside into the sunshine, your iris contracts around your pupil to let less light in. When someone sitting next to you on the bus is wearing a ton of perfume or cologne, olfactory adaptation kicks in, and your brain adjusts until you can't smell it anymore. Adaptation keeps your brain from getting overloaded/confused and your body from being physically hurt.
The one sense that doesn't adapt is your sense of touch. No matter how many times a kid falls down and skins his knee, it is still going to hurt just as bad every time. Maybe that kid will get older and get used to it, so he won't cry as hard, and it won't seem as awful, but the exact same pain receptors respond every time in the exact same way. Unless your nerves die, they are as dependable as freaking clockwork.
When you think about it, it makes sense-- if you adapted to pain, then the older you got, the stupider things you would be doing without realizing the impact it could have on your body. If I run my finger through a flame once, and it hurts, but the next time I do it, it doesn't hurt, then what's going to stop me from doing it a third time? And meanwhile, even though it doesn't physically hurt me, my finger is being burned. My skin cells are dying.
What does change, though, is your control over your body; your tolerance of the pain that is inflicted. As you get older, you can recognize pain and differentiate what is dangerous and what is just annoying. If I fell down today and skinned my knee, I probably wouldn't cry as much as I did when I was eight. But not because it doesn't hurt just as much. Physiologically, the exact same thing is happening. But my brain can respond better. Instead of going, "Mommy, I'm bleeding!!!" I can go, "Look, it's just a little blood, it could be a lot worse, so go get a band-aid and you'll be fine." Pain doesn't ever hurt less, you just get smarter about it.
This is just theory from my own personal experience... but I think the same thing is true of your emotions. I have been through a lot of stuff in my short life. And even though, on some level, it gets easier, it also doesn't. Every time something bad happens, it hurts me just as much. The only difference I have noticed is that my response has changed. I am more logical; I have gotten smarter. I actually have the ability to, in the middle of a crappy situation, say to myself, "It's really okay, God is going to take care of it." Not, "Holy shit, this is so awful that I want to die." And I really think that is just a product of growing up and experiencing a lot of pain. It's the same as that split second you have when you look down at your bleeding knee and decide, okay, that hurts, but I'm not going to freak out about it.
Sometimes, it sucks, because it takes experiencing the pain to learn about it. And every time it happens, it hurts just as much. Just because you know you can handle a small burn or a skinned knee, doesn't mean you want it or go out looking for it. It just means that when it happens, you're ready, and you're not going to fall apart.

The reason why I say all this is because, on Tuesday in our studio meeting, we talked about suffering, and I have been thinking about it all week. And what I said to everyone on Tuesday was, there comes a point in the middle of all your pain where you just... balance out. A lot of times, nothing changes. Nothing "gets better". You just push through it and there is joy on the other end. The coexistance of joy and suffering is something so beautiful that is literally indescribable. It is the kind of thing that, until you experience it, you will always be skeptical of.
Anyway, I said this on Tuesday at the meeting, at which point I had a lot of issues on my plate already. But there were ones that I had handled. Then, yesterday, my brother made another poor life choice, and that messed up the balance again. So as I laid in bed awake early this morning, I thought to myself, do I still believe what I said before, that there is joy in all of this? Do I stand by that when there is pain too real and fresh to ignore or put away? And, even though I am hurt and mad and scared, the answer is yes. God doesn't change, and if he is my focus, nothing can really shake me. Which is an incredible feeling.

One other thing I thought about today: back in the day, when I first learned to type/use computers, they required you to put two spaces between a period and the start of a new sentence. I always got in trouble for ignoring that rule because it didn't make sense, and now, no one ever does it. People don't even capitalize or use proper punctuation anymore. I wonder what my elementary school teacher would say about that...

as calm as a dead fish.

Today was just one of those days where nothing so bad happened, but still at the end I felt like crap.
Maybe I am just tired, or stressed, or all peopled-out. I don't know. Maybe I am starting to get sick. I really hope not... but it's possible.

Anyway, I am having trouble focusing, so I am not going to write anything else right now; I am going to go to bed. That way I will not die when I try to wake up for the studio meeting at, like, dawn.

war photographer

I know that I have blogged about this before, but it was over a year ago, which means I don't feel redundant doing it again.
My first term at AI, Michelle had us watch this documentary, War Photographer. It is about the life of James Natchwey. He is one of my heroes-- the kind of person that I want to pattern my life after. After we watched it, I told Michelle that he was doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do with my life, and she told me that was part of the reason she showed it.
This morning I woke up with James Nachtwey on my mind. And not just him, but all the things he works for in the world. One thing I was amazed by is his dedication to his work. I do want to do what he does, but I get so easily distracted by all the other things I want to do. I wish I had the concentration and determination to just give everything up and go for it.
Or maybe I just wish I had the same one-track mind, I don't know.
Sometimes I pray that God will take away some of my other desires and passions so that I could focus and be completely fulfilled in doing his work. I get so tangled up in my own perceptions and my changing mind. At times I feel like I am holding on to a dream just for the sake of obedience. That is always so discouraging to me. I feel like I have always known what I am supposed to do with my life, and I have always been satisfied and complete with that knowledge. But as the reality of it draws nearer, I am less sure of what I am doing. I look for all of the things I can't do instead of the things that I can.
I remember that, a few years ago, I would pray all the time and praise God for the way he had worked out all my skills and talents to honor him. I saw how everything fit together so nicely. I knew foreign languages, so it would be easier to travel. I was very indepedent, so I could work without a team. I loved science and medicine, so I was passionnate about everything he was calling me to.
Lately, my prayers are so much more uncertain. It's like I am finally becoming aware of all the things in my heart that are barriers to obedience. I am shy, how will I travel alone? How will I stick up for myself? I hate change, and I need time alone in a place that is just my own, how will I jump around from place to place? How will I not have a "home" that is my own? Mostly, I want to get married. Not right now, but eventually. I know marriage and obedience in this case aren't mututally exclusive, but, trust me, it really does feel that way sometimes. I joke about it, but I don't know if I am ready to let go of my dreams of having my own family. I just keep asking, "Why me, God? I'm so wrong for all this!"
I take some small comfort in the fact that the Bible is filled with prayers that are so similar. Other people who are ill-equipped and reluctant, and who wonder why they are called to something so outside themselves. That, I get. I can persevere through that if it is for the glory of God. I can handle a lot if I know there is some purpose for the sacrifice, no matter how abstract and distant that purpose is. I'm not saying I would love to sacrifice all my hopes and dreams, I'm just saying I can. I can do it and keep going.
But, on the other side, there are people in the world, like James Nachtwey, for example, that do the hardest things and seem to be totally without doubt that they are doing exactly what they should be doing. Our culture puts so much pressure on being happy in the field you have chosen. I guess I feel like I shouldn't have doubts about this. Like being obedient should be enough to make me happy all the time.

Anyway. I guess I am a little jealous. But mostly in awe of the strength of spirit it takes to do something like this guy does. I hope that when it comes down to it, I have that same strength of spirit.

P.S. I just bought this documentary today, so if anyone wants to watch it, let me know...

a discovery.

So, my aunt bought me these sweet speakers for Christmas. They are really nice but they have a seperate sub and this plug-in control thingy (I think that is the technical term for it). Anyway, using the control you can adjust the volume and the bass. Somehow, it happened that they got stuck with the bass on the maximum level, and wouldn't turn down. I tried everything to get them to work again, but they wouldn't, so I was getting ready to pack everything up and try to return it (would have been a bummer since they are mounted on the wall and the cables are all mixed in with the cables to my computer/external hard drive/every other electronic device I own...). Then today, out of nowhere, I tripped over the cord, and everything started working again.
All I can say is Jesus must have been answering my prayers about fixing them, because I was very vocal yesterday about NOT wanting to take everything apart. ;)

slammed!

Today was another crazy day at work. I spent over 8 hours there and pretty much the only thing I did all day was attend to immediate needs. Forget planning ahead for anything. Usually we have a pretty good system down, but with the bad weather and people off school and work, it has been literally nonstop for two full days. Everybody was working really hard, and a ton of people couldn't make it in for their shifts, so people came in early and stayed long after they were supposed to. Shineadth even came in early and went to QFC to get us more milk (we ran out because our dairy shipment didn't come in last night). So, basically, things were... hectic.
I've heard the weather report for tonight is not good, and the art institute was closed all day today, which means I might miss my classes tomorrow. I am not too happy about that-- I really want to go. I guess it might be nice to have a break, but honestly, if roads/schools are closed tomorrow, and I don't get to go in for classes, I will probably just pick up an extra shift at work... they will probably need me.

Anyway. I am going to go do my homework, because if I do have school tomorrow, I want to be prepared. :)

snow days = no fun for baristas

Today was crazy. I am extremely tired. I am thinking of doing my homework for Thursday but I might just put it off until after work tomorrow. Not that it will be any easier tomorrow night... but I am just so tired...
I am supposed to pick a scene with good sound editing and bring it in to CO on Thursday morning. But I am running out of good stuff to bring him. Last class I picked Spider-Man and Band of Brothers. You really can't top those, so I'm basically screwed. I think I might do 12 Monkeys... I will have to go watch it.

I can already tell this whole week is going to be crazy. But I get the whole weekend off, and I am already really excited for it.

i pretty much love channing tatum

what I think you think

Do you ever wonder what people say about you behind your back?
I don't mean this at all in an angry way. It's just one of the things I think about.
Even if your friends don't talk about you behind your back, the close ones still know your flaws, maybe even better than you do. Don't you wonder what the things are that annoy them the most about you?
I consider myself to be a pretty good friend, but I know I have my flaws. I am the kind of friend who will drop everything to help someone if they need it. I am loyal, too. All the friends I have now are friends that have stuck for years and years. I am a pretty good listener. I usually know when to offer advice and when to keep my mouth shut.
But, if I were to guess the things my friends don't like about me, here is what I would guess: sometimes, I get a little snobby. About random things, too. I get caught up in the things I am doing and act like they are the most important things ever. Like school, work, and church. I also act like doing these things makes me the most grown-up person in the world, which is ridiculous... but it's still how I act.
My second guess would be that I don't spend enough time with them. This has only recently been an issue (in the last couple of years). But when they come home they are not always first priority and I think they notice that and are bothered by it. I want to be alone sometimes (ok, a lot of the time)... and it hurts my relationships and annoys my buddies. Someone once said to me that they felt like they had to always be in a state of emergency in order to get my attention. That made me feel bad, so I've been working on being a more attentive friend. It's been two years since that comment and I think by now I am finally doing a little bit better. I think.
The guys have different complaints, I'm sure. Probably that I get frustrated with them too easily and don't communicate why. Matt is a different story altogether (his is my most complex friendship), but he is pretty honest with me about stuff. And I know him wayyyyy too well (he is mad right now because I haven't visited him at school yet, for example. I can tell he is mad because he jokes about it frequently).

Annnnyway. My point being, I wonder sometimes what these things are, because if I knew, I could just fix them and then all my relationships would be great all the time. I know my friends won't tell me what they think I need to improve on, so I'm just guessing. I do know my own flaws pretty well, after all, because I get to deal with all of them every day.

n'est pas rien

Every time I run, I am getting closer and closer to my target distance. The last ten minutes or so, and especially the last five, I have to push myself to keep going. What I tell myself is that if I finish, I will feel good about myself. If I don't, I will just beat myself up over it later. So far I have never quit early or failed to reach my target for the day.

I wanted to write more but I am exhausted and I have a 6am shift tomorrow!

genesis 5

My mentor, Sarah Howson, and I have committed to reading through the Bible together this year. It really isn't all that big of a deal if you keep up with the reading, but for a while there I wasn't, so I read a huge chunk of it today to catch up. So far we are through Genesis 30 and Matthew 6.
It's a cool experience for me to be doing this right now because I just finished a book about Biblical theology. Having come from where I was six months ago, (which was basically that I had no idea where to find things or how to begin studying the Bible) I feel like I at least know how to get started. I have an extremely basic understanding of where things are and what they mean (or how to find out what they mean). So basically I feel slightly less clueless.
All of these questions have been coming up, though. A few days ago I was reading Genesis 5, which is where it talks about the descendants of Adam and follows all the way to Noah. But it also lists how old they were when they had sons and how old they were when they died. Back in the day, people lived a long freaking time.
However, as I was reading through the passage, something about the numbers struck me kinda funny. Methuselah in particular seemed like he lived longer than was possible, since he definitely wasn't on board the ark and the flood probably occurred during his lifetime. Lamech also seemed pretty close.
So, after letting it bug me for a few days, I sat down today between classes and worked out all the math. According to the ages and times listed in that passage, the flood occurred 1,656 years after the birth of Seth (Adam's son). Methuselah was born 687 years after Seth was born and lived for 969 years. Lamech (Methuselah's son, Noah's father) was born 874 years after Seth and lived 777 years (what a lucky number). The flood occurred when Noah was 600 years old.
So, according to my calculations, Lamech died 5 years before the flood occurred, but his father Methuselah died the same year as the flood. Which I was relieved to find, because I would have been extremely frustrated if the numbers didn't work out.
But it raised another question for me. Was Methuselah one of the unrighteous who died in the flood, or was it merely a coincidence? It seems like it would have been mentioned if he had, but then again the Bible is very sparse on the details sometimes, if you know what I mean.
I don't know, I just found the whole thing pretty interesting. I have been learning a lot from asking those kinds of questions and from reading in a new translation. Before I have read in NIV, but the bible I have now is NAS, which makes a difference. Things are worded a little differently and it definitely makes me think more deeply about what I am reading.

In other news... my class this morning was amazing. The professor is one I've had before and I really like him. Plus, it is an intermediate sound design class, so we'll get to do more tech stuff than we did before. I like the science classes (the ones in my field) more than the art classes. They are less abstract and touchy-feely, which can get tiring really fast. Hooray for getting a BS and not a BFA. What in the world would I do with an art degree...

Anyway, I'm out. I get to meet with Sarah soon and then I am off to scriptwriting later tonight!

hooray for learning!

school starts tommorrow. I'm excited. Even though it means getting up early another two days every week. I'm ready for it.

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about my education, and my plans, and my personal ministry philosophy, and it seems like I just keep getting myself more confused. I have never been more unsure of what I want or how to pursue it.
College is a funny life stage.

this thing that happened

First of all, I really hate putting on makeup, especially in the morning. I also tend to overestimate my own beauty right after I wake up. The result is that usually I decide I don't need any makeup at all and then I get to work and realize that I don't look nearly as good as I thought I did. However, I also hate getting hit on at work, so I guess it works out well in the end that I look kind of pale and sickly.
Speaking of getting hit on at work, I had this experience while I was sweeping the lobby today. It wasn't so much getting hit on as it was getting hit with a cup of 195-degree milk and coffee. (I know that it was 195 degrees because we had just finished steaming it for what can only be described as one of the most ridiculous drink orders I have ever heard. There were seriously at least two things in each box, AND the customer was rude, which made it worse.) Anyway. I am out sweeping and minding my own business when this customer comes charging through the hallway. She did not touch me. In fact she never even came close, but about two feet from me she just tipped her coffee straight over onto the spot where I was standing. I jumped back and managed to avoid most of it.
She looked at the empty coffee cup in her hand, looked at the floor, and then looked at me and said, "I just paid for that."
Uhhhhh. UHH. What? Really? Did someone really do that to me, you ask?
But I assure you it is in fact true.
Don't worry, I am fine. I wasn't too badly burned. I did clean up her mess for her, of course. And I obviously remade her drink. And apologized to her for the inconvenience. I even let it go when she told one of our other customers that I had run into her (impossible since I was standing still). He saw the whole thing anyway, so I'm sure he knew she was lying.

Anyway. I share that with you so that you can laugh at my misfortune. :) I had a good laugh about it later with my coworker.

P.S. Ashby, if you are reading this, it is people like THAT who deserve our mumblegrumble. A double tall, light carmel, carmel macchiato is nothing. A 3/4 decaf, triple grande, 2%, 2 pump sugar free vanilla, 1 pump regular vanilla, 195 degree, extra foamy, light carmel, carmel macchiato that ends up ALL OVER MY LEGS is something completely different.

justification of my previous post

Now you know.

channing tatum is the most attractive man who has ever been born. this is a fact; it is not open to debate.

Today I registered for:
-Sound Production (on Thursday morning) with CO
-Scriptwriting (on Thursday night) with Jackie
-Image Manipulation (on Friday morning)

I am pretty excited. I have missed school. This is nowhere near a full load, but I figure if I will be working and tutoring and all that I will need to start lighter and find out how much I can take. I don't want to get in over my head and falter.
I also met with Paul today. It was a good meeting, but it was supposed to be to solidify some decisions I had made. However... I walked away even less sure of what I want. It was weird. At one point Paul said something to me along the lines of, "it seems like you are feeling...[blank].." and it was the first time I can ever remember someone telling me something I didn't already know about myself. Clearly I haven't been spending enough time in my own head lately. I am totally confused about the next step in my life. I have only planned things so far, and I am getting to the point where I need to start putting some of my plans into action.

Anyway... now that I have been sufficiently vague... I also had the best run ever tonight. I have increased not only my time but also my pace this week and I haven't even been pushing too hard. Which is a very big deal considering I was sick yesterday and exhausted all day today. But once I started running I felt so much better and I ran farther, longer, and faster than I ever have before.

Anyway, I need sleep because I am going skiing with my dad/jeremy in the morning. Thank goodness I don't have to drive because I am going to sleep the whole ride up. :) yay!

Michael: I love her, Stephen. I realize now I love her more than I will ever love anybody else.

Stephen: STOP TALKING ABOUT LOVE. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing.

Michael: But it's true.

Stephen: Still doesn't mean anything. What you FEEL only matters to YOU. It's what you do to the people you say you love- that's what matters. That's the only thing that counts.

The Last Kiss

Decent movie, good acting, makes me want to stay single for the rest of my life.

Resolutions for 2007

I have been thinking about the past year. Technically, for my family, it sucked. But for me as an individual it wasn't too bad. Everything that I was personally in control of, I thrived in. I got excellent grades, got a great job that I love, grew spiritually and in my relationships, and even lost some weight and worked out more. Which is pretty good. So, although it was not a year I would ever repeat, I am proud of me.
I am also excited for this year. I got off to a good start with the first run of the New Year. Becky and I ran a 5k on Sunday night/Monday morning. It was soooo much fun. Easily one of the best new years I've ever had. It was nice not to have the social pressure and nice to start off in such a healthy way. I finished at 30 minutes exactly, which is even faster than I trained at. In fact it was my goal pace for mid February. So I was pretty stoked to have reached it.
This year I only set 4 goals for myself, and I am serious enough about them that I think they will actually stick. The first is to run 3-5 10-minute miles a day. I am working myself up to 5 by the middle of March. After that I will keep running 5 miles/day and add in a good weightlifting routine. I also want to swim one day a week and take one day a week off from working out. So I will run 5 days a week and swim 1 day a week. Today I ran 3 miles but not at the right pace. So I am still working towards the bottom end of that goal.
The second goal was to maintain a GPA of 3.7 or above. I don't know if that is possible but I am going to try. If not, I will shoot for above a 3.5 as my second choice.
The third and fourth goal I am going to be doing with my mentor, Sarah. That wasn't how I planned it but we randomly made two of the same goals and when we met today we decided to accomplish them together. So we are going to be reading through the Bible this year (starting tomorrow) and we are going to be running the Shamrock Run, which is a 10k (6 miles). That is double what I ran on Sunday so I figure it is a good second step. My goal for that is 50 minutes. We'll see if I can do. I have a long time to prepare so I think I can.

Anyone else have any cool goals? If you tell me what they are I will hold you accountable to them. :)